Ever Heard This? Part 3

WISDOM

A country clergyman, meeting a neighbour, who never came to church, although an old fellow above sixty, reproved him on that account, and asked if he ever read at home? "No," replied the man, "I can't read."

"I dare say," said the clergyman, "you don't know who made you." "Not I, in troth," said the countryman. A little boy coming by at the time, "Who made you, child?" said the parson. "G.o.d, sir," answered the boy.

"Why, look you there," quoth the honest parson. "Are you not ashamed to hear a child of five or six years old tell me who made him, when you, that are so old a man, cannot?" "Ah!" said the countryman. "It is no wonder that he should remember; he was made but t'other day, it is a great while, master, sin' I was made."

WHY NOT?

Jimmy giggled when the teacher read the story of the man who swam across the Tiber three times before breakfast.

"You do not doubt that a trained swimmer could do that, do you?"

"No, sir," answered Jimmy, "but I wonder why he did not make it four and get back to the side where his clothes were."

THE OLD FARMER

An old farmer lay so dangerously ill that the doctor gave no hope of recovery.

Whilst lying in an apparently semi-conscious state, he suddenly opened his eyes, and said to his wife, who was watching by his bedside: "Mary, that's a nice smell, it's just like a ham cooking. I almost think I could eat a little, if it is cooked."

The reply was, "Thee get on with the dying, that ham is for the funeral."

ANY CHANGE FOR THE BETTER

In the course of the play one of the characters had to say to a very plain actor, "My lord, you change countenance"; whereupon a young fellow in the pit cried, "For heaven's sake, let him!"

TACT

Little Jimmy had been sent early to bed, but he could not sleep.

Presently he called out to his mother in plaintive tones, "Mummy, bring me a gla.s.s of water, I'm so thirsty." No reply being vouchsafed him, he repeated his request after a short interval. And this time received an abrupt answer, "If you don't be quiet I'll come up to slap you."

Suddenly a thought struck him and still in plaintive voice he cried, "Mummy, when you come to slap me, bring me a gla.s.s of water."

THE RETORT RUDE

A young dude (with a monocle) and very irregular features while travelling by train was at first much amused by the grimaces of a boy who was sitting facing him. The boy, however, was obviously laughing at him so the dude asked him if he could share the joke.

"Joke!" said the boy, "it's your face I'm laughing at."

"Well, I can't help my face, can I?"

"No," replied the boy, leaving the train, "but you _could_ stay at home."

THE QUAKER AND HIS HORSE

A man once went to purchase a horse of a Quaker. "Will he draw well?"

asked the buyer. "Thee wilt be pleased to see him draw." The bargain was concluded, and the farmer tried the horse, but he would not stir a step. He returned and said, "That horse will not draw an inch." "I did not tell thee that it would draw, friend, I only remarked that it would please thee to see him draw, so it would me, but he would never gratify me in that respect."

CERTAINLY NOT ASLEEP

A country schoolmaster had two pupils, to one of whom he was partial, and to the other severe. One morning it happened that these two boys were late, and were called up to account for it. "You must have heard the bell, boys; why did you not come?" "Please, sir," said the favourite, "I was dreaming that I was going to Margate, and I thought the school-bell was the steamboat-bell." "Very well," said the master, glad of any pretext to excuse his favourite. "And now, sir," turning to the other, "what have you to say?" "Please, sir," said the puzzled boy, "I--I--was waiting to see Tom off!"

THE BEST JUDGE

A lady said to her husband, in a friend's presence:

"My dear, you certainly want a pair of new trousers." "No, I think not," replied the husband.

"Well," interposed the friend, "I think the lady who always wears them, ought to know."

A THIRST FOR KNOWLEDGE