Ever Heard This? Part 4

"Young man," said an inquisitive old lady, to a tram conductor, "if I put my foot on that rail shall I receive an electric shock?"

"No, mum," he replied, "unless you place your other foot on the overhead wire."

A s.h.i.+PWRECK

An Irish fisherman pa.s.sed himself off to the captain of a s.h.i.+p near the coast of Ireland as a qualified pilot. He knew nothing of the coast.

"This is a very dangerous sh.o.r.e here," said the captain to him, when he was on board. "Yes, it is, your honour," replied the fellow. "There are a great many dangerous rocks about here, I believe," observed the captain. "Yes, there are, and," a dreadful crash coming, "_this is one of them,_" coolly returned the fisherman.

A SAFE CASE

A briefless barrister was spending his time at the Courts when his clerk came to him with the news that a man was at his chambers with a brief.

The barrister immediately hurried from the Courts for fear the client should escape him. "Stop, sir, stop," cried his clerk. "You needn't hurry, sir, I've locked him in."

THE WATCH MENDER

A private in a company of engineers gained a certain reputation for mending his comrades' watches. His reputation reached his captain's ears, who one day said to him, "Jones, I hear you are clever at watch-mending, here take this one of mine and see what you can make of it." Some few days after, Jones took back the watch. "Well, Jones, how much do I owe you?" "Three s.h.i.+llings," was the reply. "Well, here you are, and thank you," said the captain. "Oh! I forgot," said Jones, "here are three wheels which I had over."

THE CITY CHURCHES--AND OTHERS

"Do people ever take advantage of the invitation to use this church for meditation and prayer?" a City verger was once asked. "Yes," he replied, "I catched two of 'em at it the other day!"

HIGH PRINCIPLES

A Methodist who kept a grocer's shop was heard one day to say to his a.s.sistant, "John, have you watered the rum?" "Yes." "Have you sanded the brown sugar?" "Yes." "Have you damped the tobacco?" "Yes." "Then come in to prayers."

THE MIXTURE AS BEFORE

A gentleman who had an Irish servant, having stopped at an inn for several days, desired to have the bill. Finding a large quant.i.ty of port placed to his servant's account he questioned him about it.

"Please your honour," cried Pat, "do read how many they charge for."

"One bottle port, one ditto, one ditto, one ditto." "Stop, stop, stop, master," exclaimed Paddy, "they are cheating you. I know I had some bottles of port, but I did not taste a drop of their ditto."

CANNY SCOT

Robbie met a neighbour smoking some fine tobacco sent by his son in America. He took out his own pipe ostentatiously. "Hae ye a match, Sandy?" he queried. The match was forthcoming, but nothing more. "I do believe," said Robbie, "I hae left ma tobacco at hame." "Then," said Sandy, after a silence, "ye micht gie me back ma match."

A NICE DISTINCTION

_The Vicar_ (discussing the Daylight Saving Bill): "But why have you put the small clock on and not the big one?" _Old Man_: "Well, it's like this, sir; grandfeyther's clock 'ave been tellin' th' truth for ninety year, and I can't find it i' my heart to make a _liar_ o' he now; but li'le clock, 'e be a German make, so it be all right for 'e."

NOT TWO-FACED

"Well, you're not two-faced anyway," said one man who had been quarrelling with another: "I'll say that for you."

"That's a very handsome acknowledgment," said the other, mollified.

"Because if you were," the first one continued, "you wouldn't be seen with that one."

CLERICAL WIT

An old gentleman of eighty-four having taken to the altar a young damsel of about sixteen, the clergyman said to him--"The font is at the other end of the church." "What do I want with the font?" said the old gentleman. "Oh! I beg your pardon," said the clerical wit, "I thought you had brought this child to be christened."

A COSTLY EXPERIMENT

An Irishman was once brought up before a magistrate, charged with marrying six wives. The magistrate asked him how he could be so hardened a villain? "Please, your wors.h.i.+p," says Paddy, "I was just trying to get a good one."