Ever Heard This? Part 6

A gentleman who was on a tour, attended by an Irish servant-man, who drove the vehicle, was several times puzzled with the appearance of a charge in the man's daily account, entered as "Refreshment for the horse, 2d." At length he asked Dennis about it. "Och! sure," said he, "it's whipcord it is!"

THE THOUGHTFUL PATIENT

A Scotch minister was once sent for to visit a sick man. On arriving at the house he enquired:

"What church do you attend?"

"Barry kirk," replied the invalid.

"Why, then, did you not send for your own minister?"

"Na, na," replied the sick man, "we would not risk him. Do you no' ken it's a dangerous case of typhoid?"

KISMET

A lady who had named her house Kismet engaged an Irish servant. Bridget desiring to know the meaning of Kismet was told it signified "Fate."

Shortly after, Bridget was painfully and laboriously descending the stairs. "What is the matter?" asked her mistress. "I've got fearful corns on my Kismet," was the reply.

THE YOUNG IDEA

A small boy, asked to name the four seasons, replied: "Pepper, salt, mustard, and vinegar." Another, asked for the princ.i.p.al gases, said: "Oxygen and Cambridgen."

THE NEW BABY

Jack was rather put out on the arrival of a new little brother. "But, Mummy, he has no hair." "No, Jack, he has no hair." "Mummy, he has no teeth." "Oh, no, Jack, no teeth now." "Oh, Mummy, dear, you've been had; they have given you an old 'un."

HOOK AND AN INSPECTOR OF TAXES

One of the best remembered of Hook's efforts in extemporising is that recorded of his improvising at a party when Mr. Winter was announced, a well-known inspector of taxes. Without a moment's break in his performance Hook went on:--

"Here comes Mr. Winter, inspector of taxes, I'd advise you to give him whatever he axes, I'd advise ye to give him without any flummery-- For though his name's Winter his actions are summary."

THE SHE BEAR

A thoughtful child said to her mother on the way to church: "Mummy, dear! Shall we have that hymn to-day about the she bear?" "I don't remember any hymn about a she bear, darling," replied the perplexed mother. "Whatever do you mean, child?" "I mean the hymn that goes, 'Can a mother's tender care, Cease towards the child she bear?'"

KNOWLEDGE

A girl of tender age was a witness at a trial.

"Do you know what an oath is, my child?" asked the judge.

"Yes, sir, I am obliged to tell the truth."

"And what will happen if you tell lies?"

"I shall go to the naughty place," replied the child.

"Are you sure of that?"

"Yes, sir, quite sure."

"Let her be sworn," said the judge; "it is clear she knows a great deal more than I do."

A STORY FOR BOOKSELLERS

Calling one day at Saunders and Otley's library, a subscriber was very angry because certain books that he had ordered had not been sent. He was so heated in his indignation that one of the partners could stand it no longer, and told him so.

"I don't know who you are," was the customer's retort, "and I don't want to annoy you _personally_, as you may not be the one in fault; it's your confounded house I blame. You may be Otley, or you may be Saunders; if you are Saunders, d.a.m.n Otley! if you are Otley, d.a.m.n Saunders! I mean nothing personal to _you_."

THE EARLY BIRD

A father chiding his son for not getting up early, told him as an inducement, that a certain man being up in good time, found a purse containing money. "That may be," replied the son, "but he that lost it was up before him."