Ever Heard This? Part 7

TABLE TALK

An ingenious gentleman had been showing at a dinner-table how he could cut a pig out of orange peel. A guest who was present tried again and again to do the same, but after strewing the table with the peel of a dozen oranges exclaimed, "Hang the pig! I can't make him." "Why no,"

said the performer, "you have done more--instead of one pig you have made a litter."

TROUBLES

"I'm sorry to see you giving way to drink like this, Pat," said the village priest, "you that were always such a respectable boy, too."

"Shure, an' Oi'm obleeged to do it, your 'anner," replied Pat. "Oi have to dhrink to droun me trubles." "H'm," said his interrogator, "and do you succeed in drowning them?" "No, begorra," cried Pat, "shure an'

that's the warst uv it. The divvles can shwim!"

A SOUTHERNER AND SCOTLAND

A Southerner with no love for Scotland returned from his first trip to the North, and was asked by a Scot if he had not acquired a better opinion of Scotland. What did he now think of it? "That it is a very vile country to be sure," answered the traveller. "Well, sir!" retorted the nettled Scot, "G.o.d made it!" "Certainly he did!" came the instant acknowledgment; "but we must always remember that He made it for Scotsmen."

DRY HUMOUR

An Irish post-boy having driven a gentleman many miles during torrents of rain, was asked if he was not very wet? "Arrah! I wouldn't care about being very wet, if I wasn't so very dry, your honour."

THE CHURCH ORGAN

"Friend Maltby, I am pleased that thou hast got such a fine organ in thy church." "But," said the clergyman, "I thought you were strongly opposed to having an organ in a church?" "So I am," said Friend Obadiah, "but then if thou wilt wors.h.i.+p the Lord by machinery, I would like thee to have a first-rate instrument."

COMMON PRAYER

A little boy had been brought up with much care. On his eighth birthday he was given a nicely bound Prayer Book by his aunt. After a brief examination he pushed the book on one side disappointedly. On being asked the reason he said, "I don't like anything 'Common.'"

SHORT COMMONS

At a shop-window in the Strand there appeared the following notice: "Wanted, two apprentices, who will be treated as one of the family."

TRUTH

"My lord," said a witness, "you may believe me or not, but I have stated not a word that is false, for I have been wedded to truth from infancy."

"Yes, sir," replied the Judge drily, "but the question is, how long have you been a widower."

A WRONG CHOICE

"I can't stand the missus, sir," said a servant in a complaining voice to her master.

"It's a pity, Mary," said the master sarcastically, "that I couldn't have selected a wife to suit you."

"Sure, sir," replied Mary, "we all make mistakes."

FISH AS A BRAIN FOOD

A visitor at a Devons.h.i.+re fis.h.i.+ng village asked the parson what was the princ.i.p.al diet of the villagers. "Fish mostly," said the Vicar. "But I thought fish was a brain food, and these are the most unintelligent folk I ever saw," remarked the tourist. "Well," replied the parson, "just think what they would look like if they didn't eat fis.h.!.+"

A CHARACTER

A gentleman lately dismissed a clever but dishonest gardener. For the sake of his wife and family he gave him a character, and this is how he worded it: "I hereby certify that A. Brown has been my gardener for over two years, and that during that time he got more out of my garden than any man I ever employed."