Mr Punch's Model Music Hall Songs and Dramas Part 12

[_Now the Martial Star will draw his sword and unfasten his revolver-case, taking up the exact pose in which he is represented upon the posters outside._

As you were!... Form Square!... Mark Time!... Slope Arms!...

now--'Tention!... (_These military evolutions should all be gone through by the Artist._) Forward, Guards!

[_To be yelled through music._

_Chorus._

Onward every 'ero marches, In the Guards! Doncher know?

All the "'Ughies," "Berties," "Archies,"

Of the Guards! Doncher know?

They may twist their long moustarches, For they're Guards! Doncher know?

Dandies? yes,--but dandy _lions_ are the Guards!

Bing-_Bang_!

[_Red fire and smoke at wings, as curtain falls upon the Military Impersonator in the act of changing to a new att.i.tude._

MODEL MUSIC HALL.

DRAMAS.

[Ill.u.s.tration: THE LITTLE CROSSING-SWEEPER.]

I.--THE LITTLE CROSSING-SWEEPER.

DRAMATIS PERSONae.

_The Little Crossing-Sweeper_ By the unrivalled Variety Artist Miss JENNY JINKS.

_The Duke of Dillwater_ Mr. HENRY IRVING.

[_Specially engaged; Mr. Punch is sure that he will cheerfully make some slight sacrifice for so good a cause, and he can easily slip out and get back again between the Acts of "Henry the 8th."_

_A Policeman_ Mr. RUTLAND BARRINGTON.

[_Engaged, at enormous expense, during the entire run of this piece._

_A Butler_ (_his original part_) Mr. ARTHUR CECIL.

_Foot-pa.s.sengers_, _Flunkeys_, _Burglars_.--By the celebrated Knockabout Quick-change Troupe.

SCENE I.--_Exterior of the_ Duke's _Mansion in Euston Square by night. On the right, a realistic Moon (by kind permission of_ Professor HERKOMER) _is rising slowly behind a lamp-post. On left centre, a practicable pillar-box, and crossing, with real mud. Slow Music, as_ Miss JENNY JINKS _enters, in rags, with broom. Various Characters cross the street, post letters, &c._; Miss JINKS _follows them, begging piteously for a copper, which is invariably refused, whereupon she a.s.sails them with choice specimens of street sarcasm--which the Lady may be safely trusted to improvise for herself_.

_Miss Jenny Jinks_ (_leaning despondently against pillar-box, on which a ray of limelight falls in the opposite direction to the Moon_).

Ah, this cruel London, so marble-'arted and vast, Where all who try to act honest are condemned to fast!

_Enter two_ Burglars, _cautiously_.

_First B._ (_to_ Miss J. J.) We can put you up to a fake as will be worth your while, For you seem a sharp, 'andy lad, and just our style!

[_They proceed to unfold a scheme to break into the Ducal abode, and offer_ Miss J. _a share of the spoil, if she will allow herself to be put through the pantry window_.

_Miss J. J._ (_proudly_). I tell yer I won't 'ave nothink to do with it, fur I ain't been used To sneak into the house of a Dook to whom I 'aven't been introdooced!

_Second Burglar_ (_coa.r.s.ely_). Stow that snivel, yer young himp, we don't want none of that bos.h.!.+

_Miss J. J._ (_with spirit_). You hold _your_ jaw--for, when you opens yer mouth, there ain't much o' yer face left to was.h.!.+

[_The_ Burglars _retire, baffled, and muttering_. Miss J.

_leans against pillar-box again--but more irresolutely_.

I've arf a mind to run after 'em, I 'ave, and tell 'em I'm game to stand in!...

But, ah,--didn't my poor mother say as Burglary was a _Sin_!

[Duke _crosses stage in a hurry; as he pulls out his latchkey, a threepenny-bit falls unregarded, except by the little_ Sweeper, _who pounces eagerly upon it_.

What's this? A bit o' good luck at last for a starvin' orfin boy!

What shall I buy? _I_ know--I'll have a cup of cawfy, and a prime saveloy!

Ah,--_but it ain't mine_--and 'ark ... that music up in the air!

[_A harp is heard in the flies._

Can it be mother a-playin' on the 'arp to warn her boy to beware?

(_Awestruck._) There's a angel voice that is sayin' plain (_solemnly_) "Him as prigs what isn't his'n, Is sure to be copped some day--and then--his time he will do in prison!"

[_Goes resolutely to the door, and knocks--The_ Duke _throws open the portals_.

_Miss J. J._ If yer please, Sir, was you aware as you've dropped a thruppenny-bit?

_The Duke_ (_after examining the coin._) 'Tis the very piece I have searched for everywhere! You rascal, you've _stolen it_!

_Miss J. J._ (_bitterly_). And _that's_ 'ow a Dook rewards honesty in _this_ world!

[_This line is sure of a round of applause._

_The Duke_ (_calling off_). Policeman, I give this lad in charge for a shameless attempt to rob,

_Enter_ Policeman.

Unless he confesses instantly who put him up to the job!

_Miss J. J._ (_earnestly_). I've told yer the bloomin' truth, I 'ave--or send I may die!