Mr Punch's Model Music Hall Songs and Dramas Part 13

I'm on'y a Crossing-sweeper, Sir, but I'd scorn to tell yer a lie!

Give me a quarter of a hour--no more--just time to kneel down and pray, As I used to at mother's knee long ago--then the Copper kin lead me away.

[_Kneels in lime-light. The_ Policeman _turns away, and uses his handkerchief violently; the_ Duke _rubs his eyes_.

_The Duke._ No, blow me if I can do it, for I feel my eyes are all twitching!

(_With conviction._) If he's good enough to kneel by his mother's side, he's good enough to be in my kitching!

[Duke _dismisses_ Constable, _and, after disappearing into the Mansion for a moment, returns with a neat Page's livery, which he presents to the little_ Crossing-sweeper.

_Miss J. J._ (_navely_). 'Ow much shall I ask for on this, Sir? What! Yer don't mean to say they're for _me_!

Am I really to be a Page to one of England's proud aristocra-cee?

[_Does some steps._

_Mechanical change to_ SCENE II.--_State Apartment at the_ Duke's. _Magnificent furniture, gilding, chandeliers. Suits of genuine old armour. Statuary (lent by British and Kensington Museums)._

_Enter_ Miss J., _with her face washed, and looking particularly plump in her Page's livery. She wanders about stage_, _making any humorous comments that may occur to her on the armour and statuary. She might also play tricks on the Butler, and kiss the maids--all of which will serve to relieve the piece by delicate touches of comedy, and delight a discriminating audience._

_Enter the_ Duke.

I hope, my lad, that we are making you comfortable here? [_Kindly._

_Miss J. J._ Never was in such slap-up quarters in my life, Sir, _I'll_ stick to yer, no fear!

[_In the course of conversation the_ Duke _learns with aristocratic surprise, that the_ Page's _Mother was a Singer at the Music Halls_.

_Miss J. J._ What, don't know what a Music-'all's like? and you a Dook!

Well, you _are_ a jolly old juggins! 'Ere, you sit down on this gilded cheer--that's the ticket--I'll bring you your champagne and your cigars--want a light? (_Strikes match on her pantaloons._) Now you're all comfortable.

_The_ Duke _sits down, smiling indulgently, out of her way, while she introduces her popular Vocal Character Sketch, of which s.p.a.ce only permits us to give a few specimen verses_.

First the Champion Comic Steps upon the stage; With his latest "Grand Success."

Sure to be the rage!

Sixty pounds a week he Easily can earn; Round the Music Halls he goes, And does at each a "turn."

_Ill.u.s.tration._

Undah the stors in a sweet shady dairl, I strolled with me awm round a deah little gairl, And whethaw I kissed har yaw'd like me to tairl-- Well, I'd rawthah you didn't inquiah!

All golden her hair is, She's Queen of the Fairies, And known by the name of the lovely Mariah, She's a regular Venus, But what pa.s.sed between us, I'd very much rawthah you didn't inquiah!

Next the Lady Serio, Mincing as she walks; If a note's too high for her, She doesn't sing--she talks, What she thinks about the men You're pretty sure to learn, She always has a hit at them, Before she's done her "turn!"

_Ill.u.s.tration._

You notty young men, ow! you notty young men!

You tell us you're toffs, and the real Upper Ten, But behind all your ears is the mark of a pen!

So don't you deceive us, you notty young men!

_Miss J. J._ (_concluding_).

And such, Sir, are these entertainments grand, In which Mirth and Refinement go 'and-in-'and!

[_As the_ Duke _is expressing his appreciation of the elevating effect of such performances, the_ Butler _rushes in, followed by two flurried_ Footmen.

_Butler._ Pardon this interruption, my Lord, but I come to announce the fact That by armed house-breakers the pantry has just been attacked!

_Duke._ Then we'll repel them--each to his weapons look!

I know how to defend my property, although I _am_ a Dook!

_Miss J._ (_s.n.a.t.c.hing sword from one of the men-in-armour_).

With such a weapon I their hash will settle!

_You'll_ lend it, won't yer, old Britannia Metal?

[_Shouts and firing without; the_ Footmen _hide under sofa_.

Let flunkeys flee--though danger may encircle us, A British b.u.t.tons ain't afeard of Burgulars!

[_Tremendous firing, during which the_ Burglars _are supposed to be repulsed with heavy loss by the_ Duke, Butler, _and_ Page.

_Miss J._ 'Ere--I say, Dook, I saved yer life, didn't yer _know_?

(_A parting shot, upon which she staggers back with a ringing scream_.)

The Brutes! they've been and shot me!... Mother!... Oh!

[_Dies in lime-light and great agony; the_ Footmen _come out from under sofa and regard with sorrowing admiration the lifeless form of the_ Little Crossing-sweeper, _which the_ Duke, _as curtain falls, covers reverently with the best table-cloth_.

II.--JOE, THE JAM-EATER.

_A MUSICAL SPECTACULAR AND SENSATIONAL INTERLUDE._

(_Dedicated respectfully to Mr. McDougall and the L. C. C._)

[Ill.u.s.tration: Joe!]

The Music-hall Dramatist, like Shakspeare and Moliere, has a right to take his material from any source that may seem good to him. _Mr.

Punch_, therefore, makes no secret of the fact, that he has based the following piece upon the well-known poem of "The Purloiner," by the Sisters Jane and Ann Taylor, who were _not_, as might be too hastily concluded, "Song and Dance Duettists," but two estimable ladies, who composed "cautionary" verses for the young, and whose works are a perfect mine of wealth for Moral Dramatists. In this dramatic version the Author has tried to infuse something of the old Greek sense of an overruling destiny, without detriment to prevailing ideas of moral responsibility. Those who have the misfortune to be born with a propensity for illicit jam, may learn from our Drama the terrible results of failing to overcome it early in life.

JOE, THE JAM-EATER.

DRAMATIS PERSONae.