Mr Punch's Model Music Hall Songs and Dramas Part 17

_Benjamin_ (_sings_).

Man-trap, bitter our distress is That you have unkindly penned In your innermost recesses One who used to be our friend!

_William_ (_sings_).

In his downward course arrest him!

(He may take a virtuous tack); Pause awhile, ere you digest him, Make an effort--bring him back!

[_The_ Man-trap _is convulsed by a violent heave_; WILLIAM and BENJAMIN _bend forward in an agony of expectation, until a small shoe and the leg of_ THOMAS'S _pantaloons are finally emitted from the_ Monster's _jaws._

_Benj._ (_exultantly_). See, William, now he's coming ... here's his shoe for you!

_The Man-trap_ (_with an accent of genuine regret). I'm sorry--but that's all that I can do for you!_

_Wm._ (_raising the shoe and the leg of pantaloons, and holding them sorrowfully at arm's length_).

He's met the fate which moralists all promise is The end of such depraved careers as Thomas's!

Oh, Benjamin, take warning by it _be_-time!

(_More brightly_). But now to wash our hands--'tis nearly tea-time!

[_Exeunt_ WILLIAM and BENJAMIN, _to wash their hands, as Curtain falls. N.B. This finale is more truly artistic, and in accordance with modern dramatic ideas, than the conventional "picture."_

IV.--THE FATAL PIN.

Our present example is pure tragedy of the most ambitious kind, and is, perhaps, a little in advance of the taste of a Music-hall audience of the present day. When the fusion between the Theatres and the Music Halls is complete--when Miss Bessie Bellwood sings "_What Cheer, 'Ria?_"

at the Lyceum, and Mr. Henry Irving gives his compressed version of _Hamlet_ at the Trocadero; when there is a general levelling-up of culture, and removal of prejudice--then, and not till then, will this powerful little play meet with the appreciation which is its due. The main idea is suggested by the Misses Taylor's well-known poem, _The Pin_, though the dramatist has gone further than the poetess in working out the notion of Nemesis.

THE FATAL PIN.

_A TRAGEDY._

DRAMATIS PERSONae.

_Emily Heedless._ By either Miss VESTA TILLEY or Mrs. BERNARD BEERE.

_Peter Paragon._ Mr. FORBES ROBERTSON or Mr. ARTHUR ROBERTS (only he mustn't sing "_The Good Young Man who Died_").

_First and Second Bridesmaids._ Miss MAUDE MILLETT and Miss ANNIE HUGHES.

SCENE.--EMILY'S _Boudoir, sumptuously furnished with a screen and sofa,_ C. _Door_, R., _leading to_ EMILY'S _Bed-chamber.

Door,_ L. EMILY _discovered in loose wrapper, and reclining in uncomfortable position on sofa._

_Emily_ (_dreamily_). This day do I become the envied bride Of Peter, justly surnamed Paragon; And much I wonder what in me he found (He, who Perfection so personifies) That he could condescend an eye to cast On faulty feather-headed Emily!

How solemn is the stillness all around me!

[_A loud bang is heard behind screen._

Methought I heard the dropping of a pin!-- Perhaps I should arise and search for it....

Yet why, on second thoughts, disturb myself, Since I am, by my settlements, to have A handsome sum allowed for pin-money?

Nay, since thou claim'st thy freedom, little pin, I lack the heart to keep thee prisoner.

Go, then, and join the great majority Of fallen, vagrant, unregarded pinhood-- My bliss is too supreme at such an hour To heed such infidelities as thine.

[_Falls into a happy reverie._

_Enter_ First and Second Bridesmaids.

_First and Second Bridesmaids._ What, how now, Emily--not yet attired?

Nay, haste, for Peter will be here anon!

[_They hurry her off by_ R. _door, just as_ PETER PARAGON _enters_ L. _in bridal array. N.B.--The exigencies of the Drama are responsible for his making his appearance here, instead of waiting, as is more usual, at the church._

_Peter_ (_meditatively_). The golden sands of my celibacy Are running low--soon falls the final grain!

Yet, even now, the gla.s.s I would not turn.

My Emily is not without her faults "_Was_ not without them," I should rather say, For during ten idyllic years of courts.h.i.+p,

[Ill.u.s.tration: "It is a Pin!"]

By precept and example I have striven To mould her to a helpmate fit for me.

Now, thank the G.o.ds, my labours are complete.

She stands redeemed from all her giddiness!

[_Here he steps upon the pin, and utters an exclamation._

Ha! What is this? I'm wounded ... agony!

With what a darting pain my foot's transfixed!

I'll summon help (_with calm courage_)--yet, stay, I would not dim This nuptial day by any sombre cloud.

I'll bear this stroke alone--and now to probe The full extent of my calamity.

[_Seats himself on sofa in such a position as to be concealed by the screen from all but the audience, and proceeds to remove his boot._

Ye powers of Perfidy, it is a pin!

I must know more of this--for it is meet Such criminal neglect should be exposed.

Severe shall be that house-maid's punishment Who's proved to be responsible for this!-- But soft, I hear a step.

[_Enter_ First _and_ Second Bridesmaids, _who hunt diligently upon the carpet without observing_ Peter's _presence._

_Emily's Voice_ (_within_). Oh, search, I pray you.

It _must_ be there--my own ears heard it fall!

[PETER _betrays growing uneasiness._

_The Bridesmaids._ Indeed, we fail to see it anywhere!