Mr Punch's Model Music Hall Songs and Dramas Part 20

Why, I don't even know her by name!

Some vulgar child ...

[_Lets the wax doll fall unregarded on the gravel._

_Br._ (_indignantly_). Oh, what a horrid shame!

I see _now_ why you sent us to the Serpentine!

_Bl._ (_heartlessly_). There's no occasion to flare up like turpentine.

_Br._ (_ungrammatically_). I'm _not_! Disown your doll, and thrust me, too, aside!

The one thing left for both of us is--suicide!

Yes, Timburina, us no more she cherishes-- (_Bitterly._) Well, the Round Pond a handy place to perish is!

[_Rushes off stage with wooden doll._

_Bl._ (_making a feeble attempt to follow_). Come back, Brunette; don't leave me thus, in charity!

_F._ (_with contempt_). Well, I'll be off--since you seem to prefer vulgarity.

_Bl._ No, stay--but--ah, she said--what if she _meant_ it?

_F._ Not she! And, if she did, _we_ can't prevent it.

_Bl._ (_relieved_). That's true--we'll play, and think no more about her.

_F._ (_sarcastically_). We may _just_ manage to get on without her!

So come----(_Perceives doll lying face upwards on path._) You odious girl, what have you done?

Left Lady Minnie lying in the blazing sun!

'Twas done on purpose--oh, you _thing_ perfidious! [_Stamps._ You _knew_ she'd melt, and get completely hideous!

Don't answer _me_, Miss--I wish we'd never met.

You're only fit for persons like Brunette!

[_Picks up doll, and exit in pa.s.sion._

_Grand Sensation Descriptive Soliloquy, by_ BLANCHIDINE, _to Melodramatic Music_.

_Bl._ Gone! Ah, I am rightly punished! What would I not give now to have homely little Brunette, and dear old wooden-headed Timburina back again!

_She_ wouldn't melt in the sun.... Where are they now? Great Heavens!

that threat--that rash resolve ... I remember all! 'Twas in the direction of the Pond they vanished. (_Peeping anxiously between trees._) Are they still in sight? ... Yes, I see them? Brunette has reached the water's edge ... What is she purposing! Now she kneels on the rough gravel; she is making Timburina kneel too! How calm and resolute they both appear! (_Shuddering._) I dare not look further--but ah, I must--_I must_!... Horror! I saw her boots flash for an instant in the bright sunlight: and now the ripples have closed, smiling, over her little black stockings!... Help!--save her, somebody!--help!... Joy! a gentleman has appeared on the scene--how handsome, how brave he looks!

He has taken in the situation at a glance! With quiet composure he removes his coat--oh, _don't_ trouble about folding it up!--and why, _why_ remove your gloves, when there is not a moment to be lost? Now, with many injunctions, he entrusts his watch to a bystander, who retires, overcome by emotion. And now--oh, gallant, heroic soul!--now he is sending his toy-terrier into the seething water! (_Straining_ _eagerly forward._) Ah, the dog paddles bravely out--he has reached the spot ... oh, he has pa.s.sed it!--he is trying to catch a duck! Dog, dog, _is_ this a time for pursuing ducks? At last he understands--he dives ... he brings up--agony! a small tin cup! Again ... _this_ time, surely--what, only an old pot-hat!... Oh, this dog is a fool! And still the Round Pond holds its dread secret! Once more ... yes--no, yes, it _is_ Timburina! Thank Heaven, she yet breathes! But Brunette?

Can she have stuck in the mud at the bottom? Ha, she, too, is rescued--saved--ha-ha-ha!--saved, saved, saved!

[_Swoons hysterically amid deafening applause._

[Ill.u.s.tration: "Saved--ha-ha-ha!"]

_Enter_ FRANK MANLY _supporting_ BRUNETTE, _who carries_ TIMBURINA.

_Bl._ (_wildly_). What, do I see you safe, beloved Brunette?

_Br._ Yes, thanks to his courage, I'm not even _wet_!

_Frank_ (_modestly_). Nay, spare your compliments. To rescue Beauty, When in distress, is every hero's duty!

_Bl._ Brunette, forgive--I'm cured of all my folly!

_Br._ (_heartily_). Of course I will, my dear, and so will dolly!

[_Grand Trio and Step-dance, with "tippity-tappity," and "clickity-clack" refrain as finale._

VI.--COMING OF AGE.

Our present Drama represents an attempt to ill.u.s.trate upon the Music-hall stage the eternal truth that race _will_ tell in the long run, despite--but, on second thoughts, it does not _quite_ prove that, though it certainly shows the unerring accuracy of parental--at least, that is not exactly its tendency, either; and the fact is that _Mr.

Punch_ is more than a little mixed himself as to the precise theory which it is designed to enforce. He hopes, however, that, as a realistic study of Patrician life and manners, it will possess charms for a democratic audience.

COMING OF AGE.

_A GRAND SOCIAL PSYCHOLOGICAL COMEDY-DRAMA IN ONE ACT._

DRAMATIS PERSONae.

_The Earl of Burntalmond._

_The Countess of Burntalmond (his wife)._

_Robert Henry Viscount Bullsaye (their son and heir)._

_The Lady Rose Caramel (niece to the Earl)._

_h.o.r.ehound_ } Travelling as "The Celebrated Combination _Mrs. h.o.r.ehound_ } Korffdropp Troupe," in their refined and _Coltsfoot h.o.r.ehound_ } elegant Drawing-room Entertainment.

_Tenantry._

SCENE--_The Great Quadrangle of Hardbake Castle; banners, mottoes, decorations, &c. On the steps_, R., _the Earl,_ supported by his wife, son, and niece, is discovered in the act of concluding a speech to six tenantry, who display all the enthusiasm that is reasonably to be expected at nine-pence a night.

_The Earl_ (_patting_ Lord BULLSAYE'S _shoulder_). I might say more, Gentlemen, in praise of my dear son, Lord Bullsaye, here--I might dwell on his extreme sweetness, his strongly marked character, the variety of his tastes, and the singular attraction he has for children of all ages--but I forbear. I will merely announce that on this day--the day he has selected for attaining his majority--he has gratified us all by plighting troth to his cousin, the Lady Rose Caramel, with whose dulcet and clinging disposition he has always possessed the greatest natural affinity.

[_Cheers._

_Lord Bullsaye_ (_aside to_ Lady R.). Ah, Rose, would such happiness could last! But my heart misgives me strangely--why, I know not.

_Lady R._ Say not so, dear Bullsaye--have you not just rendered me the happiest little Patrician in the whole peerage?