Mr Punch's Model Music Hall Songs and Dramas Part 31

_The Sailor D._ (_dubiously._) D'ye think as we can _do_ it?

_The Soldier D._ You stick by me, and I will see you through it.

Sit up, and turn your toes out,--don't you loll; Put on the Man, and drop the bloomin' Doll!

[_The_ Sailor DOLL _pulls himself together, and rises from chair importantly_.

_The Sailor D._ (_in the manner of a Music-hall Chairman_)--

Ladies, with your kind leave, this gallant gent Will now his military sketch present.

[Miss J. _and_ P. _applaud_: _the_ Soldier D., _after feebly expostulating, is induced to sing_.

_Song, by the_ Soldier Doll.

When I used to be displayed, In the Burlington Arcade, With artillery arrayed Underneath.

Shoulder Hump

I imagine that I made All the Lady Dolls afraid, I should draw my battle-blade From its sheath, Shoulder Hump

For I'm Mars's gallant son, And my back I've shown to none, Nor was ever seen to run From the strife!

Shoulder Hump!

Oh, the battles I'd have won, And the das.h.i.+ng deeds have done, If I'd ever fired a gun In my life!

Shoulder Hump!

_Refrain (to be sung marching round Stage)._

By your right flank, Wheel!

Let the front rank kneel!

With the bristle of the steel To the foe.

Till their regiments reel, At our rattling peal, And the military zeal We show!

[Ill.u.s.tration: "Shoulder Hump!"]

[_Repeat, with the whole company marching round after him._

_The Soldier Doll._ My friend will next oblige--this jolly Jack Tar.

Will give his song and chorus in charack-tar!

[_Same business with_ Sailor D.

_Song, by the_ Sailor Doll.

In costume I'm So maritime, You'd never suppose the fact is, That with the Fleet In Regent Street, I'd precious little naval practice!

There was saucy craft, Rigged fore an' aft, Inside o' Mr. Cre-mer's.

From Noah's Arks to Clipper-built barques, Like-wise mechanical stea-mers.

_Chorus._

But to navigate the Serpentine, Yeo-ho, my lads, ahoy!

With clockwork, sails, or spirits of wine, Yeo-ho, my lads, ahoy!

I did respeckfully decline, So I was left in port to pine, Which wasn't azactually the line Of a rollicking Sailor Boy, Yeo-ho!

Of a rollicking Sailor Bo-oy!

Yes, there was lots Of boats and yachts, Of timber and of tin, too; But one and all Was far too small For a doll o' my size to get into I was too big On any brig To s.h.i.+p without disas-ter, And it wouldn't never do When the cap'n and the crew Were a set 'o little swabs all plaster!

_Chorus_--So to navigate the Serpentine, &c.

An Ark is p'raps The berth for chaps As is fond o' Natural Hist'ry.

But I sez to Shem And the rest o' them, "How you get along at all's a myst'ry!

With a Wild Beast Show Let loose below, And four fe-males on deck too!

I never could agree With your happy fami-lee, And your lubberly ways I objeck to."

[_Chorus. Hornpipe by the company, after which the_ Soldier Doll _advances condescendingly to_ Miss JENNY.

_The Sold. D._ Invincible I'm reckoned by the Ladies, But yield to you--though conquering my trade is!

_Miss J._ (_repulsing him_). Oh, go away, you great conceited thing, you!

[_The_ Sold. D. _persists in offering her attentions._

_Miss P._ (_watching them bitterly_). To be deserted by one's doll _does_ sting you!

[_The_ Sailor D. _approaches._

_The Sailor D._ (_to_ Miss P.) Let _me_ console you, Miss, a Sailor Doll As swears his 'art was ever true to Poll!

(N.B.--_Good opportunity for Song here._)

_Miss P._ (_indignantly to_ Miss J.) Your Sailor's teasing me to be his idol!

Do make him stop--(_spitefully_)--When you've _quite_ done with _my_ doll!

_Miss J._ (_scornfully._) If you suppose _I_ want your wretched warrior, I'm sorry _for_ you!

_Miss P._ I for you am sorrier.

_Miss J._ (_weeping_, R.). Polly preferred to me--what ignominy!

_Miss P._ (_weeping_, L.). My horrid Soldier jilting me for Jenny!

[_The two Dolls face one another_, C.

_Sailor D._ (_to_ Soldier D.). You've made her sluice her sky-lights now, you swab!

_Soldier D._ (_to_ Sailor D.). As you have broke her heart, I'll break your n.o.b! [_Hits him._

_Sailor D._ (_in a pale fury_). This insult must be blotted out in bran!

_Soldier D._ (_fiercely_). Come on, I'll shed your sawdust--if I can!