Mr. Punch on the Warpath Part 10

_Mrs. B._ And the Clothing Department calls for a woman's knowledge. The hideous snuff-coloured garments must be retained for warfare, but with the new costume for walking out and ceremonial I think something might be done.

_Mrs. L.-C._ The woman who makes my frocks is as clever as she can be, and always has her head full of ideas for those sort of things.

_Mrs. C._ Michel Angelo did not disdain to design the uniform of the Swiss Guard. Perhaps Gilbert, or Ford, or Brock might follow in the giant's footsteps.

_Col. B._ You ladies always design such sensible clothes for yourselves, do you not?

[_He is frozen into silence again._

_Mrs. B._ And the education of young officers. From a cursory glance through my husband's books on law, topography and administration, I should say that there are no military subjects that the average woman could not master in a fortnight. Strategy, of course, comes to us by intuition. The companions.h.i.+p and influence of really good women on youths and young men cannot be over-rated, and the professors both at the Staff College and at the Military Academy should be of our s.e.x.

_Mrs. L.-C._ I always love the boys; but I think some of the staff college men are awfully stuck up.

_Mrs. B._ Now as to the regiment. The mess, of course, should be in our province.

_Mrs. L.-C._ How ripping. The guest-nights would be lovely dinner parties, the ante-room we'd use for tea, and the band should always play from 5 to 6. We'd have afternoon dances every Thursday, and turn the men out once a week and have a dinner all to ourselves to talk scandal.

[_The colonel groans._

[Ill.u.s.tration: "REGIMENTAL ORDERS"!

_Volunteer Captain._ "Ah, Sergeant Jones--didn't I send you an order to be at headquarters on Monday, at nine o'clock, with a corporal and six men for duty?"

_Sergeant._ "Yes, sir. But I think if there was a little more 'request', and a little less 'order', it would be (_a-hem_)--better!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: "BOBS"

An Indian idol--as wors.h.i.+pped by Mr. Thomas Atkins.

(_The property of the British nation._)]

[Ill.u.s.tration: "BOBS" AS A BOBBIE

["CORONATION CLAIMS.--There being no succession to certain offices, the appointment thereto rests with His Majesty, and the following are regarded as probable candidates:--Lord High Constable--The Earl Roberts," &c.--_Vide Daily Mail_, Nov. 19, 1901.]

[Ill.u.s.tration: SORROWS OF A SUBALTERN

"Curious way that boy has of salutin'. Don't believe it's correct!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: THE DOG!--_(A romance of real life.)_

_The Gallant Major._ "I beg a thousand pardons for the apparent liberty I take as an entire stranger, but may I make so bold as to ask you, is not this one of that wonderful breed of black or Chinese pugs?"

_The Pretty Lady (most condescendingly)._ "Yes, you are perfectly right, and if I am not mistaken, you are Major McBride, of the Ninety-ninth Hussars."

[_From that moment they became fast friends, and within the next three months there appeared in the "Morning Post," 'A marriage has been arranged between Major McBride, of the Ninety-ninth Hussars, and Mrs. Bellairs,' &c., &c._

[Ill.u.s.tration: "ONE OF OUR CONQUERORS."

_Imperial Yeoman._ "Much obliged if you would pick up my sword for me."]

[Ill.u.s.tration: TOMMY'S SUNDAY AFTERNOON AS IT WILL BE

["It has been decreed in several line battalions that in future no soldier will be allowed to walk arm-in-arm in the street with a female."--_Daily Paper._]

[Ill.u.s.tration: "Oh! I say! 'E 'as got eyes after all!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Doctor._ "Don't feel well, eh? Appet.i.te all right?"

_Tommie._ "Eat like a wolf, sir."

_Doctor._ "Sleep well?"

_Tommie._ "As sound as a dog, sir."

_Doctor._ "Oh, you'd better see the vet.!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: THE JOKE THAT FAILED

_Lubber._ "I say, Jack, do you know why they've painted the s.h.i.+ps grey in time of _peace_?"

_Jack._ "I s'pose 'cos it's a _neutral_ tint!"