Mr. Punch on the Warpath Part 12

[Ill.u.s.tration: OUR RESERVES!

_Aide-de-Camp (at the review)._ "What are you doing here, sir? Where's your regiment?"

_Party on the Gra.s.s._ "Shure I don' know. Bu-r I don't rec'nise your 'thority, gov'nour!"

_Aide-de-Camp (furious)._ "What the deuce d'you mean, sir? You're a Volunteer, aren't you?"

_Party on the Gra.s.s._ "_(Hic!)_ Norabirofit!--Was jus' now--bu-r I've res.h.i.+gned 'n cons'quence--temp'ry indishposition!"]

[Ill.u.s.tration: "SUMMING UP."

_Captain._ "What's the charge, sergeant?"

_Sergeant._ "This time it's drunkenness, sir. But this man is the most troublesome fellow in the regiment, sir. He goes out when he likes, and comes in when he likes, and gets drunk when he likes--in fact, he might be a horficer!!"]

CHAT a LA MODE.

_Brown, Jones, and Robinson, discovered discussing the stats of the Navy in a first-cla.s.s compartment._

_Brown._ My dear fellows, I can a.s.sure you we are in a terrible condition of unpreparedness. If France was to declare war to-morrow we should be nowhere--absolutely nowhere!

_Jones._ You mean, of course, with Russia.

_Robinson._ Or was it Italy?

_Brown._ It doesn't matter which. I fancy that France alone could tackle us. Why, a man was telling me the other day that if Gibraltar was seized--as it might be--we should not get a s.h.i.+p-load of wood for months--yes, for months!

_Jones._ But what has Gibraltar to do with it?

_Robinson._ Why, of course, it guards our approaches to the Suez Ca.n.a.l.

_Brown._ Oh, that's only a matter of detail. But what we want is a hundred millions to be spent at once. Cobden said so, and I agree with Cobden.

_Jones._ But upon what?

_Robinson._ Oh, in supporting the Sultan, and subsidising the Ameer.

_Brown._ I don't think that sort of thing is of much importance. But if we had a hundred millions (as Mr. Cobden suggested), we might increase our coaling stations, and build new s.h.i.+ps, and double the navy, and do all sorts of things.

_Jones._ But I thought we were fairly well off for coaling stations, had lots of s.h.i.+ps on the stocks, and, with the a.s.sistance of our merchant marine, an ample supply of good sailors.

_Robinson._ That's what all you fellows say! But wait till we have a war, then you will see the fallacy of all your arguments. No, we should buy the entire fleet of the world. There should be no other compet.i.tor.

Britannia should _really_ rule the waves.

_Brown._ Yes, yes. Of course; but after all, that is not the important matter. What we want is a hundred millions available to be spent on anything and everything. And it's no use having further discussion because that was Cobden's view of it, and so it is mine.

_Jones._ Where is it to come from--out of the rates?

_Brown and Robinson_ (_together_). Certainly not.

_Jones._ Or the taxes?

_Brown and Robinson_ (_as before_). Don't be absurd.

_Jones._ Well, it must come from somewhere! Can you tell me where?

_Robinson._ Why should we?

_Brown._ Yes, why should we? Even Cobden didn't go so far as that, and----But, here we are at the station.

[_Invasion of porters, and end of the conversation._

[Ill.u.s.tration: EASTER MANOEUVRES.

_Extract from Private Letter.--April 1._

"I'm afraid Milly and I have put our respective feet in it this time. We thought we would test our capacities at hospital work, and attach ourselves to pa's regiment--of course, without telling pa--and were getting along quite nicely with a soldier who wasn't very well, when we met pa and the General and his regiment. They took away the patient, and judging from pa's looks, there's a warm time coming."]

[Ill.u.s.tration: SUGGESTED HELMET FOR ARMY MOTORISTS

The new helmet as ordinarily | The same, as worn on worn. | motor duty.

_Directions:_--Simply unhook the lower portion of the helmet; thereby extending the collapsible weather-and dust-proof mask. Admirable also as a disguise.]

[Ill.u.s.tration: FLAG WAGGING

_Sergeant of Signallers._ "What ai's Murphy to-day? He don't seem able to take in a thing!"

_Private Mulvaney._ "Shall I signal to 'im, 'Will ye 'ave a drink?'?"

[Ill.u.s.tration: TU QUOQUE.

_Army Candidate._ "And I only m.u.f.fed one thing in the geography paper.

Couldn't for the life of me think where the Straits of Maca.s.sar were!"