Mr. Punch on the Warpath Part 8

[Ill.u.s.tration: H.M.S. _OBESITY_; OR, WHAT OUR SAILORS ARE COMING TO

_First A.B._ "Oh lor, Bill, my big toe!--f-f-f--it's something horful this morning." (_Distant whistle._) "Oh yus, that's right! Pipe away! I see hus a clearin' decks for haction, don't you, Bill?"

_Second A.B._ "No fear! Phew-f-f-f. 'Ere, oh I say, mate, pa.s.s us the bicarbonick o' pota.s.s, for 'evin's sake!"

["The sailor is allowed 60 ounces of moist food per day, and this is of the wrong kind for a fighting man. This he eats at five different meals. He has about three times as much bread as he should have, and about half as much meat. It is a splendid diet to induce obesity, gout, and laziness."--_Dr. Yorke Davies in the "Daily Telegraph."_]

MRS. RAMSBOTHAM tells us her youngest nephew has just become a mids.h.i.+pman in the Royal Navy, and she has given him one of the best aromatic telescopes that could be bought for money.

THE BEST UPHOLDER OF THE UNION JACK.--The Union Jack Tar.

NAVAL PROMOTION.--"Chaplain: Rev. M. Longridge, B.A., to _Glory_."--_Daily Mail._

FRESH MEAT FOR THE NAVY.--The chops of the Channel.

[Ill.u.s.tration: "We are unanimously of opinion that the British fleet should be put as soon as possible on a firmer and more stable basis!!!"]

AT THE SERVICE OF THE SERVICE

(_A Forecast of the Future_)

SCENE.--_A lecture-chamber at a military college._ Lecturer _discovered behind a table_. Students _taking notes_.

_Lecturer._ I have now shown you a colonel and a major. I will disappear for a few seconds, and then appear as a captain.

[_Dives under his table._

_First Student._ What's the lecture about? I got in too late for the beginning.

_Second Student._ It's on "the Militia."

_Lecturer_ (_emerging from his table in fresh regimentals._) Now, my men, you must regard me as your friend as well as your commander. I am responsible for your well-being. (_Applause, amidst which the_ Lecturer _resumes his ordinary clothing._) And now, gentlemen, it is unnecessary to give you a sketch of a subaltern, as that genus of the army officer must be known to all of you. And before I go I would be glad to answer any questions.

_First Student._ Thank you, sir. May I ask why you have been giving this interesting entertainment?

_Lecturer._ Certainly. To show you, gentlemen, your duty in the Militia. You will be expected to play many parts.

_First Student._ But surely not simultaneously?

_Lecturer._ Why, certainly. The old const.i.tutional force is so undermanned in the commissioned ranks, that if the youngest subaltern of a battalion cannot do equally well for colonel, major and captain, the chances are that--well, I would be sorry to answer for the consequences.

And now, gentlemen, we will consider how a ballot for soldiering can be established without seriously affecting the cherished rights of the civilian.

[_Scene closes upon an unsuccessful attempt to solve the problem._

[Ill.u.s.tration]

[Ill.u.s.tration: _Captain Smythe_ (_a good soldier, but no society man, to his hostess_). "I have to thank you, Mrs. Brown, for an evening which has been--er--_after two years on the veld_, most enjoyable."]

[Ill.u.s.tration: "NONE O' YOUR LARKS" (1861)

_Gigantic Navvy._ "Let's walk between yer, gents; folks 'll think you've took up a deserter."]

PREPARING FOR WAR

A Memorandum containing a list of rules to be observed during the autumn manoeuvres has just been issued. By some strange mistake, the following regulations (which evidently must have appeared in the original doc.u.ment) have been omitted. They are now published for the first time:--

1. Recruits of tender years will not be allowed to draw their bayonets.

This rule does not apply to fine growing lads of twelve years old.

2. Buglers will not sound their bugles except by special command of Generals of Divisions. The above-mentioned officers are reminded (for their instruction and guidance) that copper is expensive and should be used as little as possible.

3. Boots will not be worn by the infantry on any march exceeding three miles. Commanding officers are cautioned that shoe-leather has recently greatly increased in value.

4. In the event of two members of the umpire staff being unable to come to an agreement about the respective colours of black and white, they will "draw lots;" _id est_, one of them will throw into the air a coin of the realm, and before the coin is able to reach the ground, the other will give the word either "heads" or "tails." The choice of cries will be optional. Gold coins will be used by general officers, silver by field officers, and halfpence by all other ranks.

5. Dismounted cavalry will not be allowed to pursue retiring infantry on horseback, unless so ordered by the Commanding Officers of the 83rd (County of Dublin), 85th (the King's County Down), the Connaught Rangers, and the Royal Irish Fusiliers.

6. Should a regiment of infantry halt within two hundred yards of six hostile batteries of artillery to watch the practice, or for any other purpose of instruction, one-tenth of the battalion will be marched to the rear, and will be considered _hors de combat_ during the remainder of the campaign.

7. A village containing one pioneer, one drummer (or bugler) and a quarter-master-sergeant, will be considered fully garrisoned. It will be seen that rules of war are to be followed in every particular, down to the very smallest details, by all concerned in the campaign.

8. As in the previous series of autumn manoeuvres, _at least_, "five minutes' notice" will be given when the army is required to march five miles, or to perform any other military duty requiring zeal, steadiness, and an intimate acquaintance with "Field Exercises, Edition of 1874, Part I."

SOLVED AT LAST.--_Jawkins._ Why do they always call sailors "tars"?

_Pawkins._--Because they're so accustomed to the pitching of the s.h.i.+p.