Frank Mildmay Part 32

"Old man!" cried Sir Hurricane, losing his placidity a little.

"Yes, old man; look at your hair--as grey as a goose's."

"Why, as for my hair, that proves nothing, Mrs Jellybag, for though there may be snow on the mountains there is still heat in the valleys.

What d'ye think of my metaphor?"

"I am no more a _metafore_ than yourself, Sir Hurricane; but I'll tell you what, you are a _c.o.c.k-and-hen_ admiral, a dog-in-the-manger barrownight, who was jealous of my poor tom-cat, because--I won't say what. Yes, Sir Hurricane, all hours of the day you are leering at every young woman that pa.s.ses out of our windows--and an old man too--you ought to be ashamed of yourself; and then you go to church of a Sunday, and cry, 'Good Lord, deliver us.'"

The housekeeper now advanced so close to the admiral that her nose nearly touched his, her arms akimbo, and every preparation for boarding.

The admiral, fearing she might not confine herself to vocality, but begin to beat time with her fists, thought it right to take up a position; he therefore very dexterously took two steps in the rear and mounted on a sofa; his left was defended by an upright piano, his right by the breakfast table with all the tea-things on it; his rear was against the wall, and his front depended on himself in person. From this commanding eminence he now looked down on the housekeeper, whose nose could reach no higher than the seals of her adversary's watch; and in proportion as the baronet felt his security, so rose his choler.

Having been for many years proctor at the great universities of Point-street and Blue-town, as well as member of Barbican and North Corner, he was perfectly qualified, in point of cla.s.sical dialect, to maintain the honour of his profession. Nor was the lady by any means deficient. Although she had not taken her degree, her tongue from constant use had acquired a fluency which nature only concedes to practice.

It will not be expected, nor would it be proper, that I should repeat all that pa.s.sed in this concluding scene, in which the housekeeper gave us good reason to suppose that she was not quite so ignorant of the nature of the transaction as she would have had us believe.

The battle having raged for half an hour with great fury, both parties desisted, for want of breath, and consequently of ammunition. This produced a gradual cessation of firing, and by degrees the s.h.i.+ps separated--the admiral, like Lord Howe on the 1st of June, preserving his position, though very much mauled; and the housekeeper, like the _Montague, running down_ to join her a.s.sociates. A few random shots were exchanged as they parted, and at every second or third step on the stairs, Mrs Margaret brought to, and fired, until both were quite out of range; a distant rumbling noise was heard, and the admiral concluded, by muttering that she might go --- somewhere, but the word died between his teeth.

"There, admiral," said I, "did not I tell you that you would have a squall?"

"Squall! yes--d.a.m.n my blood," wiping his face; "how the spray flew from the old beldame! She's fairly wetted my trousers, by G.o.d! Who'd ever thought that such a purring old b.i.t.c.h could have shown such a set of claws! War to the knife! By heavens, I'll make her remember this."

Notwithstanding the admiral's threat, hostilities ceased from that day.

The c.o.c.k-and-hen admiral found it convenient to show a white feather; interest stood in the way, and barred him from taking his revenge. Mrs Jellybag was a faithful servant, and our host neither liked that she should be interfered with, or that his house should become an arena for such conflicts; and the admiral, who was peculiarly tenacious of undrawing the strings of his purse, found it convenient to make the first advances. The affair was, therefore, amicably arranged--the tom-cat was, in consideration of his sufferings, created a baronet, and was ever afterwards dignified by the t.i.tle of _Sir H. Humbug_; who certainly was the most eligible person to select for G.o.dfather, as he had taken the most effectual means of weaning him from "the pomps and vanities of this wicked world."

It was now about one o'clock, for this dispute had run away with the best part of the morning, when Sir Hurricane said, "Come, youngster, don't forget your engagements--you know I have got to introduce you to my pretty cousins--you must mind your P's and Q's with the uncle, for he is a sensible old fellow--has read a great deal, and thinks America the first and greatest country in the world."

We accordingly proceeded to the residence of the fair strangers, who the admiral a.s.sured me had come to Halifax from mere curiosity, under the protection of their uncle and aunt. We knocked at the door, and the admiral inquired if Mrs McFlinn was at home; we were answered in the affirmative. The servant asked our names. "Vice-admiral Sir Hurricane Humbug," said I, "and Mr Mildmay."

The drawing-room door was thrown open, and the man gave our names with great propriety. In we walked; a tall grave, looking, elderly lady received us, standing bolt upright, in the middle of the room; the young ladies were seated at their work.

"My dear Mrs McFlinn," said the admiral, "how do you do? I am delighted to see you and your fair nieces looking so lovely this morning." The lady bowed to this compliment--a courtesy she was not quite up to--"Allow me to introduce my gallant young friend, Mildmay-- young ladies, take care of your hearts--he is a great rogue, I a.s.sure you, though he smiles so sweet upon you."

Mrs McFlinn bowed again to me, hoped I was very well, and inquired "how long I had been in these parts."

I replied that I had just returned from a cruise, but that I was no stranger in Halifax.

"Come, officer," said the admiral, taking me by the arm, "I see you are bashful--I must make you acquainted with my pretty cousins. This, sir, is Miss McFlinn--her christian name is Deliverance. She is a young lady whose beauty is her least recommendation."

"A very equivocal compliment," thought I.

"This, sir, is Miss Jemima; this is Miss Temperance; and this is Miss Deborah. Now that you know them all by name, and they know you, I hope you will contrive to make yourself both useful and agreeable."

"A very pretty sinecure," thinks I to myself, "just as if I had not my hands full already." However, as I never wanted small-talk for pretty faces, I began with Jemima. They were all pretty, but she was a love-- yet there was an awkwardness about them that convinced me that they were not of the _bon ton_ of Philadelphia. The answers to all my questions were quick, pert, and given with an air of a.s.sumed consequence; at the same time I observed a mode of expression, which, though English, was not well-bred English.

"Did you come through the United States," said I, "into the British territory, or did you come by water?"

"Oh, by water," screamed all the girls at once, "and _liked_ to have been eaten up with the nasty roaches."

I did not exactly know what was meant by "roaches", but it was explained to me soon after. I inquired whether they had seen a British man-of-war, and whether they would like to accompany me on board of that which I belonged to? They all screamed out at the same moment--

"No, we never have seen one, and should like to see it of all things.

When will you take us?"

"To-morrow," said I, "If the day should prove fine."

Here the admiral, who had been making by-play with the old chaperon, turned round and said:--

"Well, Mr Frank, I see you are getting on pretty well without my a.s.sistance."

"Oh, we all like him very much," said Temperance; "and he says he will take us on board his s.h.i.+p."

"Softly, my dear," said the aunt; "we must not think of giving the gentleman the trouble until we are better acquainted."

"I am sure, aunt," said Deborah, "we are very well acquainted."

"Then," said the aunt, seeing she was in the minority, "suppose you and Sir Hurricane come and breakfast with us to-morrow morning at eleven o'clock, after which we shall be very much at your service."

Here the admiral looked at me with one of his impudent leers, and burst into a loud laugh; but I commanded my countenance very well, and rebuked him by a steady and reserved look.

"I shall have great pleasure," said I to the lady, "in obeying your orders from eleven to-morrow morning till the hour of dinner, when I am engaged."

So saying, we both bowed, wished them a good morning, and left the room.

The door closed upon us, and I heard them all exclaim--"What a charming young man!"

I went on board, and told the first lieutenant what I had done; he, very good-naturedly, said he would do his best, though the s.h.i.+p was not in order for showing, and would have a boat ready for us at the dockyard stairs at one o'clock the next day.

I went to breakfast at the appointed hour. The admiral did not appear, but the ladies were all in readiness, and I was introduced to their uncle--a plain, civil-spoken man with a strong nasal tw.a.n.g. The repast was very good; and, as I had a great deal of work before me, I made hay while the sun shone. When the rage of hunger had been a little appeased, I made use of the first belle to inquire if a lady whom I once had the honour of knowing, was any relation of theirs, as she bore the same name, and came, like them, from Philadelphia.

"Oh, dear, yes, indeed, she is a relation," said all the ladies together; "we have not seen her this seven years, when did you see her last!"

I replied that we had not met for some time; but that the last time I had heard of her, she was seen by a friend of mine at Turin on the Po.

The last syllable was no sooner out of my mouth than tea, coffee, and chocolate was out of theirs, all spirting different ways just like so many young grampuses. They jumped up from the table, and ran away to their rooms, convulsed with laughter, leaving me alone with their uncle.

I was all amazement, and I own I felt a little annoyed.

I asked if I had made any serious _lapsus_, or said anything very ridiculous or indelicate; if I had, I said I should never forgive myself.

"Sir," said Mr McFlinn, "I am very sure you meant nothing indelicate; but the refined society of Philadelphia, in which these young ladies have been educated, attaches very different meanings to certain words, to what you do in the old-country. The back settlements, for instance, so called by our ancestors, we call the western settlements, and we apply the same term, by a.n.a.logy, to the human figure and dress. This is a mere little explanation, which you will take as it is meant. It cannot be expected that _foreigners_, should understand the niceties of our language."

I begged pardon for my ignorance; and a.s.sured him I would be more cautious in future. "But pray tell me," said I, "what there was in my last observation which could have caused so much mirth at my expense?"

"Why, sir," said Mr McFlinn, "you run me hard there; but since you force me to explain myself, I must say that you used a word exclusively confined to bed-chambers."

"But surely, sir," said I, "you will allow that the name of a celebrated river, renowned in the most ancient of our histories, is not to be changed from such a refined notion of false delicacy?"

"There you are wrong," said Mr McFlinn. "The French, who are our instructors, in everything, teach us how to name all these things; and I think you will allow that they understand true politeness."

I bowed to this _dictum_, only observing that there was a point in our language where delicacy became indelicate; that I thought the n.o.ble river had a priority of claim over a contemptible vessel; and, reverting to the former part of his discourse I said that we in England were not ashamed to call things by their proper names; and that we considered it a great mark of ill-breeding to go round about for a subst.i.tute to a common word, the vulgar import of which a well-bred and modest woman ought never to have known.

The old gentleman felt a little abashed at this rebuke, and to relieve him I changed the subject, hoping that the ladies would forgive for this once, and return to their breakfasts.