Frank Mildmay Part 33

"Why, as for that matter," said the gentleman, "the Philadelphia ladies have very delicate appet.i.tes, and I dare say they have had enough."

Finding I was not likely to gain ground on that tack, I steered my own course, and finished my breakfast, comforting myself that much execution had been done by the ladies on the commissariat department before the "Po" had made its appearance.

By the time I had finished, the ladies had composed themselves; and the pretty Jemima had recovered the saint-like gravity of her lovely mouth.

Decked in shawls and bonnets, they expressed much impatience to be gone.

We walked to the dockyard, where a boat with a mids.h.i.+pman attended, and in a few minutes conveyed us alongside of my s.h.i.+p. A painted cask shaped like a chair, with a whip from the main yard-arm, was let down into the boat; and I carefully packed the fair creatures two at a time, and sent them up. There was a good deal of giggling, and screaming, and loud laughing, which rather annoyed me; for as they were not my friends, I had no wish that my mess-mates should think they belonged to that set in Halifax in which I was so kindly received.

At length all were safely landed on the quarter-deck, without the exposure of an ankle, which they all seemed to dread. Whether their ankles were not quite so small as Mr McFlinn wished me to suppose their appet.i.tes were, I cannot say.

"La, aunt!" said Deborah, "when I looked up in the air, and saw you and Deliverance dangling over our heads, I thought if the rope was to break, what a 'squash' you would have come on us: I am sure you would have _paunched_ us."

Determined to have the Philadelphia version of this elegant phrase, I inquired what it meant, and was informed, that in their country when anyone had his bowels _squeezed_ out, they called it "_paunching_."

"Well," thought I, "after this, you might swallow the Po without spoiling your breakfasts." The band struck up "Yankee Doodle," the ladies were in ecstasy, and began to caper round the quarter-deck.

"La, Jemima!" said Deborah, "what have you done to the western side of your gown? it is all over white."

This was soon brushed off, but the expression was never forgotten in the s.h.i.+p, and always ludicrously applied.

Having shown them the s.h.i.+p and all its wonders, I was glad to conduct them back to the sh.o.r.e. When I met the admiral, I told him I had done the honours, and hoped the next time he had any female relatives he would keep his engagements and attend to them himself.

"Why, now, who do you think they are?" said the admiral.

"Think!" said I, "why, who should they be but your Yankee cousins?"

"Why, was you such a d.a.m.n flat as to believe what I said, eh? Why, their father keeps a shop of all sorts at Philadelphia, and they were going to New York on a visit to some of their relatives, when the s.h.i.+p they were in was taken and brought in here."

"Then," said I, "these are not the _bon ton_ of Philadelphia?"

"Just as much as Nancy Dennis is the _bon ton_ of Halifax," said the admiral; "though the uncle, as I told you, is a sensible fellow in his way."

"Very well," said I, "you have caught me for once; but remember, I pay you for it."

And I was not long in his debt. Had he not given me this explanation, I should have received a very false impression of the ladies of Philadelphia, and have done them an injustice for which I should never have forgiven myself.

The time of our sailing drew near. This was always a melancholy time in Halifax; but my last act on sh.o.r.e was one which created some mirth, and enlivened the gloom of my departure. My friend Ned and myself had not yet had an opportunity of paying off Sir Hurricane Humbug for telling tales to Maria, and for his false introduction to myself. One morning we both came out of our rooms at the same moment, and were proceeding to the breakfast parlour, when we spied the admiral performing some experiment. Unfortunately for him, he was seated in such a manner, just clear of a pent-house, as to be visible from our position; and at the same time, the collar of his coat would exactly intersect the segment of a circle described by any fluid, projected by us over this low roof, which would thus act as a conductor into the very pole of his neck.

The housemaid (these housemaids are always the cause or the instruments of mischief, either by design or neglect) had left standing near the window a pail nearly filled with dirty water, from the wash-hand basins, etcetera. Ned and I looked at each other, then at the pail, and then at the admiral. Ned thought of his Maria: I of my false introduction.

Without saying a word we both laid our hands on the pail, and in an instant, souse went all the contents over the admiral.

"I say, what's this?" he roared out. "Oh, you d.a.m.ned rascals!"

He knew it could only be us. We laughed so immoderately, that we had not the power to move or to speak; while the poor admiral was spitting, spluttering, and coughing, enough to bring his heart up.

"You infernal villains! No respect for a flag officer? I'll serve you out for this."

The tears rolled down our cheeks; but not with grief. As soon as the admiral had sufficiently recovered himself to go in pursuit, we thought it time to make sail. We knew we were discovered; and as the matter could not be made worse, we resolved to tell him what it was for. Ned began,--"How do you do, admiral? you have taken a shower-bath this morning."

He looked up, with his teeth clenched--"Oh, it's you, is it? Yes, I thought it could be no one else. Yes, I have had a shower-bath, and be d.a.m.ned to you, and that sea devil of a friend of yours. Pretty pa.s.s the service has come to, when officers of my rank are treated in this way.

I'll make you both envy the tom-cat."

"Beware the housekeeper, admiral," said Ned. "Maria has made it up with me, admiral, and she sends her love to you."

"d.a.m.n Maria."

"Oh, very well, I'll tell her so," said Ned.

"Admiral," said I, "do you remember when you sent the --- to sea in a gale of wind, when I was mids.h.i.+pman of her? Well, I got just as wet that night as you are now. Pray, admiral, have you any commands to the Misses McFlinn?"

"I'll tell you when I catch hold of you," said Sir Hurricane, as he moved upstairs to his room, dripping like Pope's Lodona, only not smelling so sweet.

Hearing a noise, the housekeeper came up, and all the family a.s.sembled to condole with the humid admiral, but each enjoying the joke as much as ourselves. We, however, paid rather dearly for it. The admiral swore that neither of us should eat or drink in the house for three days; and Ned's father, though ready to burst with laughter, was forced in common decency to say that he thought the admiral perfectly right after so gross a violation of hospitality.

I went and dined on board my s.h.i.+p, Ned went to a coffee-house; but on the third morning after the shower, I popped my head into the breakfast parlour, and said--

"Admiral, I have a good story to tell you, if you will let me come in."

"I'd see you d.a.m.ned first, you young sc.u.m of a fish-pond. Be off, or I'll shy the ham at your head."

"No, but indeed, my dear admiral, it is such a nice story; it is one just to your fancy."

"Well then, stand there and tell it, but don't come in, for if you do--"

I stood at the door and told him the story.

"Well, now," said he, "that is a good story, and I will forgive you for it." So with a hearty laugh at my ingenuity, he promised to forgive us both, and I ran and fetched Ned to breakfast.

This was the safest mode we could have adopted to get into favour, for the admiral was a powerful, gigantic fellow, that could have given us some very awkward squeezes. The peace was very honourably kept, and the next day the s.h.i.+p sailed.

CHAPTER TWENTY FIVE.

They turned into a long and wide street, into which not a single living figure appeared to break the perspective. Solitude is never so overpowering as when it exists among the works of man. In old woods, or on the tops of mountains, it is graceful and benignant, for it is a home; but where thick dwellings are, it wears a ghost-like aspect.

INESILLA.

We were ordered to look-out for the American squadron that had done so much mischief to our trade; and directed our course, for this purpose, to the coast of Africa. We had been out about ten days, when a vessel was seen from the mast-head. We were at that time within about one hundred and eighty leagues of the Cape de Verd Islands. We set all sail in chase, and soon made her out to be a large frigate, who seemed to have no objection to the meeting, but evidently tried her rate of sailing with us occasionally: her behaviour left us no doubt that she was an American frigate, and we cleared for action.

The captain, I believe, had never been in a sea-fight, or if he had, he had entirely forgotten all he had learned; for which reason, in order to refresh his memory, he laid upon the capstan-head the famous epitome of John Hamilton Moore, now obsolete, but held at that time to be one of the most luminous authors who had ever treated on maritime affairs, John, who certainly gives a great deal of advice on every subject, has, amongst other valuable directions, told us how to bring a s.h.i.+p into action according to the best and most approved methods, and how to take your enemy afterwards if you can. But the said John must have thought red-hot shot could be heated by a process somewhat similar to that by which he heated his own nose, or he must entirely have forgotten "the manners and customs in such cases used at sea," for he recommends, as a prelude or first course to the entertainment, a good dose of red-hot shot, served up the moment the guests are a.s.sembled; but does not tell us where the said dishes are to be cooked. No doubt whatever that a broadside composed of such ingredients, would be a great desideratum in favour of a victory, especially if the enemy should happen to have none of his own to give in return.

So thought his lords.h.i.+p, who, walking up to the first lieutenant, said:--

"Mr Thingamy, don't you think red-hot what-do-ye-call-ums should be given in the first broadside to that thingamybob?"

"Red-hot shot, do you mean, my lord?"

"Yes," said his lords.h.i.+p; "don't you think they would settle his hash?"

"Where the devil are we to get them, my lord?" said the first lieutenant, who was not the same that wanted to fight me for saying he was as clever a fellow as the captain: that man had been uns.h.i.+pped by the machinations of Toady.