Assholeology. Part 14

Reaping the benefits of having friends like you who'll go out of their way for him. You do everything for him, yet he holds the leverage over you. Why? He's cool. And you want to be seen hanging out with him.

GREATEST a.s.sET.

Being a cool guy people want to hang with. He doesn't need an awesome television, or kegerator, or nice ride to get people to want to chill. People just like being around him.

WHAT HE CAN TEACH YOU.

If you act cool, people will want to be your friend. Don't try too hard. That's not cool.

The a.s.shole Professor DISTINGUISHABLE CHARACTERISTICS.

Corduroy blazer with leather patches because it's so expected, it's hip. He's also probably balancing a stack of folders and books in one arm with a leather satchel slung over one shoulder (again, so expected, it's hip). He's a mildly disorganized authority figure- so cool.

WHERE YOU'LL FIND HIM

Walking through the campus, likely smoking a b.u.t.t. He also frequents the bars where the uppercla.s.smen do their weekday drinking. But he's never in the area on the weekends. He's got something going on in some other city.

WHAT HE'S ALL ABOUT

He makes you work for your grade. You want that A? Be ready to go above and beyond to get it. It's about substance with this guy, so don't think your usual tricks will work. He'll call you out and embarra.s.s you in front of the whole cla.s.s just because he can.

GREATEST a.s.sET.

He's smart-both in the book-smart and worldly sense. You definitely can't bulls.h.i.+t this guy. Not only is he very well read, he seems like the type of teacher who's seen it all before (whether or not he has the years of experience).

You definitely can't

bulls.h.i.+t this guy.

WHAT HE CAN TEACH YOU.

Know your s.h.i.+t and don't be afraid to call out those who don't. That's basically how the a.s.shole Professor makes a living. As long as you have a handle on the subject, you're golden. Others can try to debate or find faults in your arguments, but as long as you've spent time studying and are confident, you can run s.h.i.+t.

The Party a.s.shole DISTINGUISHABLE CHARACTERISTICS.

If you can even see him through the group of people crowded around at all times, you'll notice the Party a.s.shole probably has two drinks within reach (why waste time) and is in the middle of either telling a story, playing a game, or telling a story while playing a game.

WHERE YOU'LL FIND HIM

The heart of the party. He chooses to use his a.s.shole att.i.tude to be the center of attention. If beer pong's being played, he's on the table. If there's a card game going, he's dealing. If people are telling stories, he's the loudest. But nothing's ever forced. He was able to cut the beer pong wait list because no one would call him out on it; people want him to choose the next card game so he's in control of the deck; he's talking loud because the people in the back want to laugh along too.

WHAT HE'S ALL ABOUT

He's a born entertainer, which gives him leeway when it comes to being rude. It's not offensive; it's funny. Sure, the Party a.s.shole called your girlfriend a filthy s.l.u.t when she hit the last cup, but he didn't really mean it.

He is the party.

GREATEST a.s.sET.

He is the party. You've probably run into this before . . . you go to a party one weekend and it's okay, nothing special-there's plenty of booze and plenty of people, but it just seems to be lacking something. Then you go to a party at the same place, same booze, same people, and it's the most fun time you've had since you went wild in Amsterdam. What's the difference? The Party a.s.shole wasn't there the first time.

WHAT HE CAN TEACH YOU.

Keep people entertained. n.o.body likes to be bored. And the person who can keep things going will be remembered.

The a.s.shole Traveler DISTINGUISHABLE CHARACTERISTICS.

Besides an accent that really can't be placed-even though he's from Akron, Ohio-this guy runs out of room on his pa.s.sport every two years. He's been everywhere. So if you think you're going to the next cool destination, guess again. He's already been there. And it was just okay. The place he's off to next is really where it's at.

WHERE YOU'LL FIND HIM

He was in Prague way before it was called the new Amsterdam and was over Krakow before you could find it on the map when you heard it was the new Prague. Good luck finding him now. But you'll definitely know him when you see him, likely in the airport.

WHAT HE'S ALL ABOUT

Traveling (come on now . . . ). But beyond that, his thing is being one step ahead of you. Make that one step way ahead of you. This guy's obsessed with staying on the forefront of culture and prides himself on coming off as worldly. So much so, that he prefers to travel "with the people" via rail and budget airlines. He's in it for the real experience.