Assholeology. Part 15

GREATEST a.s.sET.

Being better than you. What? It's true. This guy excels at knowing what's cool, and he can bank on that. The a.s.shole Traveler also has tons of stories to tell over drinks, capturing the attention of the table, and leaving you there silent, stirring your mojito.

WHAT HE CAN TEACH YOU.

An exciting story is important. When you talk, you want people to listen. So you better be talking about something that's worth listening to. Get out in the world and experience life. Granted, it might take you some time before you can predict the next "it" destination, but getting out of Akron might be a start.

The Nature a.s.shole DISTINGUISHABLE CHARACTERISTICS.

He smells like the woods. And being decked out in North Face and Patagonia, it looks as if he's ready to head there at any moment.

WHERE YOU'LL FIND HIM

The local farmer's market joking with the farmers about this week's crop of asparagus, or grabbing some gear at the outdoor supply store, or heading off for a weekend of hiking and kayaking as you get ready to watch Anchorman for the three-thousandth time.

WHAT HE'S ALL ABOUT

Living life. And letting you know how you're not. His eating right, staying in shape, and experiencing the beauty of watching the sunrise atop a mountain after a three-day trek really lets him lay it on thick when you talk about spending your Sat.u.r.day with take-out, YouTube, and a thirty rack.

GREATEST a.s.sET.

His health. Not just because he's going to live longer than you, but because he can hold it over you. What kind of comeback do you have if someone calls you unhealthy? None. You can try and say his organic, un-processed food is c.r.a.p. But have you tried it? Some of that s.h.i.+t is good. He has you beat here. And since it's a health issue and not just some healthy hating, your thick skin won't help much-especially if it's literally thick. (Dude, relax with the Twinkies.)

Get out there. Be active.Enjoy life.

WHAT HE CAN TEACH YOU.

Get out there. Be active. Enjoy life. We realize this isn't some froo-froo self-help book, but honestly, it'll work wonders. Just like you need to keep your mind sharp if you want to be a true a.s.shole, you need to stay healthy. All right, enough with the motivational mumbo jumbo. Try not to be a fat slob.

The Yuppy a.s.shole DISTINGUISHABLE CHARACTERISTICS.

Nice clothes. Nice car. Nice watch. He's the guy you'd make fun of for looking so prissy if you didn't feel so inferior around him. How's a guy stay so put together? You could ask, but he'd probably just smirk and walk away. What an a.s.shole.

He has no problem walking

into these places like he

owns them.

WHERE YOU'LL FIND HIM

The trendy bar downtown or in that new restaurant you're too intimidated to try. As you know, part of being an a.s.shole is confidence, and this guy's got plenty. He has no problem walking into these places like he owns them. But what separates him from the other well-off douche bags inside is his cla.s.s. He doesn't treat the employees like they're beneath him. He treats the other well-off douche bags that way.

WHAT HE'S ALL ABOUT

Enjoying life as a young professional. He feels on top of the world at this point and isn't afraid to let you know it. He works hard. He plays hard. And he couldn't care less what you think-unless you're going to affect his bottom line.

GREATEST a.s.sET.

Confidence. You wouldn't know whether this guy just got promoted or laid off. He walks around with his head up and a satisfied grin on his face every day. Does he think he's better than you? Probably. Should he? Probably.

WHAT HE CAN TEACH YOU.

Walk around like you own the place-even if you only have $27 in your bank account. Confidence is a state of mind, and lucky for you it's free. The better you feel about yourself, the better others will feel about you.

The Writer a.s.shole DISTINGUISHABLE CHARACTERISTICS.

Bloodshot eyes and the stench of a slow death.

WHERE YOU'LL FIND HIM

Starbucks or sleeping at his desk at his real job.

WHAT HE'S ALL ABOUT

Entertaining people. (Hopefully.)