Assholeology. Part 17

1 OUNCE VODKA.

CRANBERRY JUICE TO FILL.

Fill a highball gla.s.s with ice. Pour in the vodka and fill with cranberry juice.

a.s.sHOLE BARTENDER SAYS: It's the perfect combination of alcohol and antioxidants (don't worry about what those are, just know that they're good for you).

THE 'HOLE TRUTH Don't go too far when adopting the Cape Cod att.i.tude. You're a pair of Nantucket red shorts and a madras belt away from becoming a douche bag.

COSMOPOLITAN.

1 OUNCE VODKA.

1/2 OUNCE TRIPLE SEC.

1/2 OUNCE CRANBERRY JUICE.

1/4 OUNCE LIME JUICE.

Pour ingredients into a shaker half filled with ice. Shake well. Strain into a martini gla.s.s.

a.s.sHOLE BARTENDER SAYS: Serve this drink to get laid.

Upgrade to premium vodka and cointreau instead of triple sec and it's a done deal.

GIBSON.

1 OUNCES DRY GIN.

1/2 OUNCE VERMOUTH.

3 PEARL ONIONS.

LEMON TWIST.

Shake gin and vermouth with ice in a shaker. Strain into a martini gla.s.s and garnish with onions and a lemon twist.

a.s.sHOLE BARTENDER SAYS: It's like a martini-except fewer douche bags order it. Subbing onions and a lemon twist for olives gives this drink a taste that's all its own.

THE QUOTABLE a.s.sHOLE.

"I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast." -W. C. Fields GIMLET.

2 OUNCES GIN.

3/4 OUNCE LIME JUICE.

LIME WEDGE.

Shake gin and lime juice with ice in a shaker. Strain over ice in an old-fas.h.i.+oned gla.s.s and garnish with the lime wedge.

a.s.sHOLE BARTENDER SAYS: Don't let the lime juice fool you, the gimlet is a great gin-lover's drink. Play it cool the next time someone asks you to get them a gin and tonic and see if they want to try a gimlet instead.

GIN AND TONIC.

2 OUNCES GIN.

TONIC TO FILL.

LIME WEDGE.

Pour gin over ice in a highball gla.s.s. Fill with tonic. Garnish with a lime wedge.

a.s.sHOLE BARTENDER SAYS: Clean and simple-the gin and tonic should be your go-to c.o.c.ktail whenever you want to feel refreshed.

IRISH COFFEE.

1 OUNCES IRISH WHISKEY.

1/2 OUNCE IRISH CREAM.

COFFEE TO FILL.

Pour whiskey into coffee mug. Add coffee and top with Irish cream. Stir.

a.s.sHOLE BARTENDER SAYS: Your meal isn't complete until you've finished it with an Irish coffee and a good laugh. Not only will it sustain the buzz from your dinner drinks, it'll help energize you for the night ahead.

THE 'HOLE TRUTH No milk. No sugar. No whipped topping. The cream liqueur does the job of all three.

LONG ISLAND ICED TEA.

1/2 OUNCE VODKA.

1/2 OUNCE LIGHT RUM.

1/2 OUNCE TEQUILA.

1/2 OUNCE TRIPLE SEC.

1/2 OUNCE GIN.

1 OUNCE SOUR MIX.

SPLASH OF COLA.