Assholeology. Part 18

Pour all ingredients into a tall gla.s.s of ice. Stir.

a.s.sHOLE BARTENDER SAYS: Perfect for when you don't know what you want to drink-just that you know you want to get drunk.

MANHATTAN.

2 OUNCES RYE WHISKEY.

1/2 OUNCE SWEET VERMOUTH.

2 DASHES BITTERS.

1 CHERRY.

Shake whiskey, vermouth, and bitters in a shaker. Strain into a c.o.c.ktail gla.s.s. Garnish with a cherry.

a.s.sHOLE BARTENDER SAYS: The epitome of an a.s.shole drink, the Manhattan mixes together the a.s.shole's confidence (whiskey), likeability (vermouth), wit (bitters), and charm (cherry).

MARGARITA.

1 OUNCES AGED TEQUILA.

1/2 OUNCE COINTREAU.

1 OUNCE FRESHLY SQUEEZED LIME JUICE.

1/2 OUNCE SIMPLE SYRUP.

LIME WEDGE.

Shake tequila, Cointreau, lime juice, and simple syrup in a shaker. Strain into a highball gla.s.s with ice. Garnish with the lime wedge.

a.s.sHOLE BARTENDER SAYS: It's not frozen and doesn't have a salted-rim; this version of the margarita just gives you what you want-tequila. Go dip a popsicle in a saltshaker if you're looking for the other stuff.

MARTINI.

2 OUNCES GIN.

1/8 OUNCE DRY VERMOUTH.

2 LARGE GREEN OLIVES.

Shake gin and vermouth in a shaker of ice. Strain into a martini gla.s.s. Garnish with the olives.

a.s.sHOLE BARTENDER SAYS: The straight-up gin martini is the way to go. (Much better than 007's vodka version-though his original Vesper (page 176) is pretty bada.s.s.) ACCEPTABLE MARTINI VARIATIONS.

Dry Perfect Dirty Pink OLD-FAs.h.i.+ONED.

2 OUNCES RYE, BOURBON, OR WHISKEY.

2 DASHES BITTERS.

1 TABLESPOON OF SUGAR.

1 CHERRY.

1 ORANGE SLICE.

In an old-fas.h.i.+oned gla.s.s with ice, muddle the sugar, cherry, orange, and bitters. Fill with ice then add the whiskey.

a.s.sHOLE BARTENDER SAYS: Don Draper drinks 'em. Enough said.

SCOTCH ON THE ROCKS.

2 OUNCES SCOTCH WHISKY.

Pour Scotch over ice in an old-fas.h.i.+oned gla.s.s.

a.s.sHOLE BARTENDER SAYS: Why mess with a good thing?

THE QUOTABLE a.s.sHOLE.

"I like my whisky old and my women young."-Errol Flynn SCREWDRIVER.

1 OUNCES VODKA.

2 OUNCES ORANGE JUICE.

Fill a tall gla.s.s with ice. Pour in orange juice. Pour in vodka.

Stir.

a.s.sHOLE BARTENDER SAYS: If you're not a fan of tomato juice, the screwdriver is an acceptable morning-c.o.c.ktail subst.i.tute. (Put down that mimosa.) THE 'HOLE TRUTH There's a fine line between the hair of the dog and day drinking.If you go out for brunch and stay for happy hour, chances are you crossed it.

SIDECAR.

2 OUNCES BRANDY.

OUNCE COINTREAU.

1 OUNCE LEMON JUICE.

Shake ingredients in a shaker. Strain into a c.o.c.ktail gla.s.s.

a.s.sHOLE BARTENDER SAYS: A dark liquor drink, it's not as popular as gin and vodka c.o.c.ktails, so it sounds more impressive when you ask for it at a bar. Just don't sound too smug. There's a fine line between an a.s.shole who appreciates alcohol and a douche bag who tries too hard to be hip.

SOCO AND LIME.

2 OUNCES OF SOUTHERN COMFORT.

OUNCE LIME JUICE.

Shake SoCo and lime juice in a shaker with ice. Pour into a large shot gla.s.s or shooter.