A Treatise on Domestic Economy Part 13

CHAPTER XVIII.

ON THE CARE OF DOMESTICS.

There is no point, where the women of this Country need more wisdom, patience, principle, and self-control, than in relation to those whom they employ in domestic service. The subject is attended with many difficulties, which powerfully influence the happiness of families; and the following suggestions are offered, to aid in securing right opinions and practice.

One consideration, which it would be well to bear in mind, on this subject, is, that a large portion of the peculiar trials, which American women suffer from this source, are the necessary evils connected with our most valuable civil blessings. Every blessing of this life involves some attendant liability to evil, from the same source; and, in this case, while we rejoice at a state of society, which so much raises the condition and advantages of our s.e.x, the evils involved should be regarded as more than repaid, by the compensating benefits. If we cannot secure the cringing, submissive, well-trained, servants of aristocratic lands, let us be consoled that we thus escape from the untold miseries and oppression, which always attend that state of society.

Instead, then, of complaining that we cannot have our own peculiar advantages, and those of other nations, too, or imagining how much better off we should be, if things were different from what they are, it is much wiser and more Christianlike to strive cheerfully to conform to actual circ.u.mstances; and, after remedying all that we can control, patiently to submit to what is beyond our power. If domestics are found to be incompetent, unstable, and unconformed to their station, it is Perfect Wisdom which appoints these trials, to teach us patience, fort.i.tude, and self-control; and, if the discipline is met, in a proper spirit, it will prove a blessing, rather than an evil.

But, to judge correctly in regard to some of the evils involved in the state of domestic service, in this Country, we should endeavor to conceive ourselves placed in the situation of those, of whom complaint is made, that we may not expect, from them, any more than it would seem right should be exacted from us, in similar circ.u.mstances.

It is sometimes urged, against domestics, that they exact exorbitant wages. But what is the rule of rect.i.tude, on this subject? Is it not the universal law of labor and of trade, that an article is to be valued, according to its scarcity and the demand? When wheat is scarce, the farmer raises his price; and when a mechanic offers services, difficult to be obtained, he makes a corresponding increase of price. And why is it not right, for domestics to act according to a rule, allowed to be correct in reference to all other trades and professions? It is a fact, that really good domestic service must continue to increase in value, just in proportion as this Country waxes rich and prosperous; thus making the proportion of those, who wish to hire labor, relatively greater, and the number of those, willing to go to service, less.

Money enables the rich to gain many advantages, which those of more limited circ.u.mstances cannot secure. One of these, is, securing good domestics, by offering high wages; and this, as the scarcity of this cla.s.s increases, will serve constantly to raise the price of service. It is right for domestics to charge the market value, and this value is always decided by the scarcity of the article and the amount of demand.

Right views of this subject, will sometimes serve to diminish hard feelings towards those, who would otherwise be wrongfully regarded as unreasonable and exacting.

Another complaint against domestics, is, that of instability and discontent, leading to perpetual change. But in reference to this, let a mother or daughter conceive of their own circ.u.mstances as so changed, that the daughter must go out to service. Suppose a place is engaged, and it is then found that she must sleep in a comfortless garret; and that, when a new domestic comes, perhaps a coa.r.s.e and dirty foreigner, she must share her bed with her. Another place is offered, where she can have a comfortable room, and an agreeable room-mate; in such a case, would not both mother and daughter think it right to change?

Or, suppose, on trial, it was found that the lady of the house was fretful, or exacting, and hard to please; or, that her children were so ungoverned, as to be perpetual vexations; or, that the work was so heavy, that no time was allowed for relaxation and the care of a wardrobe;--and another place offers, where these evils can be escaped: would not mother and daughter here think it right to change? And is it not right for domestics, as well as their employers, to seek places, where they can be most comfortable?

In some cases, this instability and love of change would be remedied, if employers would take more pains to make a residence with them agreeable; and to attach domestics to the family, by feelings of grat.i.tude and affection. There are ladies, even where well-qualified domestics are most rare, who seldom find any trouble in keeping good and steady ones.

And the reason is, that their domestics know they cannot better their condition, by any change within reach. It is not merely by giving them comfortable rooms, and good food, and presents, and privileges, that the attachment of domestics is secured; it is by the manifestation of a friendly and benevolent interest in their comfort and improvement. This is exhibited, in bearing patiently with their faults; in kindly teaching them how to improve; in showing them how to make and take proper care of their clothes; in guarding their health; in teaching them to read, if necessary, and supplying them with proper books; and, in short, by endeavoring, so far as may be, to supply the place of parents. It is seldom that such a course would fail to secure steady service, and such affection and grat.i.tude, that even higher wages would be ineffectual to tempt them away. There would probably be some cases of ungrateful returns; but there is no doubt that the course indicated, if generally pursued, would very much lessen the evil in question.

Another subject of complaint, in regard to domestics, is, their pride, insubordination, and spirit not conformed to their condition. They are not willing to be called _servants_; in some places, they claim a seat, at meals, with the family; they imitate a style of dress unbecoming their condition; and their manners and address are rude and disrespectful. That these evils are very common, among this cla.s.s of persons, cannot be denied; the only question is, how can they best be met and remedied.

In regard to the common feeling among domestics, which is pained and offended by being called "servants," there is need of some consideration and allowance. It should be remembered, that, in this Country, children, from their earliest years, are trained to abhor slavery, in reference to themselves, as the greatest of all possible shame and degradation.

They are perpetually hearing orations, songs, and compositions of all sorts, which set forth the honor and dignity of freemen, and heap scorn and contempt on all who would be so mean as to be slaves. Now the term servant, and the duties it involves, are, in the minds of many persons, nearly the same as those of slave. And there are few minds, entirely free from a.s.sociations which make servitude a degradation. It is not always pride, then, which makes this term so offensive. It is a consequence of that n.o.ble and generous spirit of freedom, which every American draws from his mother's breast, and which ought to be respected, rather than despised. In order to be respected, by others, we must respect ourselves; and sometimes the ruder cla.s.ses of society make claims, deemed forward and offensive, when, with their views, such a position seems indispensable to preserve a proper self-respect.

Where an excessive sensibility on this subject exists, and forward and disrespectful manners result from it, the best remedy is, a kind attempt to give correct views, such as better-educated minds are best able to attain. It should be shown to them, that, in this Country, labor has ceased to be degrading, in any cla.s.s; that, in all cla.s.ses, different grades of subordination must exist; and that it is no more degrading, for a domestic to regard the heads of a family as superiors in station, and treat them with becoming respect, than it is for children to do the same, or for men to treat their rulers with respect and deference. They should be taught, that domestics use a different entrance to the house, and sit at a distinct table, not because they are inferior beings, but because this is the best method of securing neatness, order, and convenience. They can be shown, if it is attempted in a proper spirit and manner, that these very regulations really tend to their own ease and comfort, as well as to that of the family.

The writer has known a case, where the lady of the family, for the sake of convincing her domestic of the truth of these views, allowed her to follow her own notions, for a short time, and join the family at meals.

It was merely required, as a condition, that she should always dress her hair as the other ladies did, and appear in a clean dress, and abide by all the rules of propriety at table, which the rest were required to practise, and which were duly detailed. The experiment was tried, two or three times; and, although the domestic was treated with studious politeness and kindness, she soon felt that she should be much more comfortable in the kitchen, where she could talk, eat, and dress, as she pleased. A reasonable domestic can also be made to feel the propriety of allowing opportunity for the family to talk freely of their private affairs, when they meet at meals, as they never could do, if restrained by the constant presence of a stranger. Such views, presented in a kind and considerate manner, will often entirely change the views of a domestic, who is sensitive on such subjects.

When a domestic is forward and bold in manners, and disrespectful in address, a similar course can be pursued. It can be shown, that those, who are among the best-bred and genteel, have courteous and respectful manners and language to all they meet, while many, who have wealth, are regarded as vulgar, because they exhibit rude and disrespectful manners.

The very term, _gentle_man, indicates the refinement and delicacy of address, which distinguishes the high-bred from the coa.r.s.e and vulgar.

In regard to appropriate dress, in most cases it is difficult for an employer to interfere, _directly_, with comments or advice. The most successful mode, is, to offer some service in mending or making a wardrobe, and when a confidence in the kindness of feeling is thus gained, remarks and suggestions will generally be properly received, and new views of propriety and economy can be imparted. In some cases, it may be well for an employer,--who, from appearances, antic.i.p.ates difficulty of this kind,--in making the agreement, to state that she wishes to have the room, person, and dress of her domestics kept neat, and in order, and that she expects to remind them of their duty, in this particular, if it is neglected. Domestics are very apt to neglect the care of their own chambers and clothing; and such habits have a most pernicious influence on their wellbeing, and on that of their children in future domestic life. An employer, then, is bound to exercise a parental care over them, in these respects.

In regard to the great deficiencies of domestics, in qualifications for their duties, much patience and benevolence are required. Mult.i.tudes have never been taught to do their work properly; and, in such cases, how unreasonable it would be to expect it of them! Most persons, of this cla.s.s, depend, for their knowledge in domestic affairs, not on their parents, who are usually unqualified to instruct them, but on their employers; and if they live in a family where nothing is done neatly and properly, they have no chance to learn how to perform their duties well.

When a lady finds that she must employ a domestic who is ignorant, awkward, and careless, her first effort should be, to make all proper allowance for past want of instruction, and the next, to remedy the evil, by kind and patient teaching. In doing this, it should ever be borne in mind, that nothing is more difficult, than to change old habits, and to learn to be thoughtful and considerate. And a woman must make up her mind to tell the same thing "over and over again," and yet not lose her patience. It will often save much vexation, if, on the arrival of a new domestic, the mistress of the family, or a daughter, will, for two or three days, go round with the novice, and show the exact manner in which it is expected the work will be done. And this, also, it may be well to specify in the agreement, as some domestics would otherwise resent such a supervision.

But it is often remarked, that, after a woman has taken all this pains to instruct a domestic, and make her a good one, some other person will offer higher wages, and she will leave. This, doubtless, is a sore trial; but, if such efforts were made in the true spirit of benevolence, the lady will still have her reward, in the consciousness that she has contributed to the welfare of society, by making one more good domestic, and one more comfortable family where that domestic is employed; and if the latter becomes the mother of a family, a whole circle of children will share in the benefit.

There is one great mistake, not unfrequently made, in the management both of domestics and of children; and that is, in supposing that the way to cure defects, is by finding fault as each failing occurs. But, instead of this being true, in many cases the directly opposite course is the best; while, in all instances, much good judgement is required, in order to decide when to notice faults, and when to let them pa.s.s unnoticed. There are some minds, very sensitive, easily discouraged, and infirm of purpose. Such persons, when they have formed habits of negligence, haste, and awkwardness, often need expressions of sympathy and encouragement, rather than reproof. They have usually been found fault with, so much, that they have become either hardened or desponding; and it is often the case, that a few words of commendation will awaken fresh efforts and renewed hope. In almost every case, words of kindness, confidence, and encouragement, should be mingled with the needful admonitions or reproof.

It is a good rule, in reference to this point, to _forewarn_, instead of finding fault. Thus, when a thing has been done wrong, let it pa.s.s unnoticed, till it is to be done again; and then, a simple request, to have it done in the right way, will secure quite as much, and probably more, willing effort, than a reproof administered for neglect. Some persons seem to take it for granted, that young and inexperienced minds are bound to have all the forethought and discretion of mature persons; and freely express wonder and disgust, when mishaps occur for want of these traits. But it would be far better to save from mistake or forgetfulness, by previous caution and care on the part of those who have gained experience and forethought; and thus many occasions of complaint and ill-humor will be avoided.

Those, who fill the places of heads of families, are not very apt to think how painful it is, to be chided for neglect of duty, or for faults of character. If they would sometimes imagine themselves in the place of those whom they control, with some person daily administering reproof to them, in the same _tone and style_ as they employ to those who are under them, it might serve as a useful check to their chidings. It is often the case, that persons, who are most strict and exacting, and least able to make allowances and receive palliations, are themselves peculiarly sensitive to any thing which implies that they are in fault. By such, the spirit implied in the Divine pet.i.tion, "forgive us our trespa.s.ses as we forgive those who trespa.s.s against us," needs especially to be cherished.

One other consideration, is very important. There is no duty, more binding on Christians, than that of patience and meekness under provocations and disappointment. Now, the tendency of every sensitive mind, when thwarted in its wishes, is, to complain and find fault, and that often in tones of fretfulness or anger. But there are few domestics, who have not heard enough of the Bible, to know that angry or fretful fault-finding, from the mistress of a family, when her work is not done to suit her, is not in agreement with the precepts of Christ.

They notice and feel the inconsistency; and every woman, when she gives way to feelings of anger and impatience, at the faults of those around her, lowers herself in their respect, while her own conscience, unless very much blinded, cannot but suffer a wound.

There are some women, who, in the main, are amiable, who seem impressed with the idea, that it is their office and duty to find fault with their domestics, whenever any thing is not exactly right, and follow their fancied calling without the least appearance of tenderness or sympathy, as if the objects of their discipline were stocks or stones. The writer once heard a domestic, describing her situation in a family which she had left, make this remark of her past employer: "She was a very good housekeeper, allowed good wages, and gave us many privileges and presents; but if we ever did any thing wrong, she always _talked to us just as if she thought we had no feelings_, and I never was so unhappy in my life, as while living with her." And this was said of a kind-hearted and conscientious woman, by a very reasonable and amiable domestic.

Every woman, who has the care of domestics, should cultivate a habit of regarding them with that sympathy and forbearance, which she would wish for herself or her daughters, if deprived of parents, fortune, and home.

The fewer advantages they have enjoyed, and the greater difficulties of temper or of habit they have to contend with, the more claims they have on compa.s.sionate forbearance. They ought ever to be looked upon, not as the mere ministers to our comfort and convenience, but as the humbler and more neglected children of our Heavenly Father, whom He has sent to claim our sympathy and aid.[N]

FOOTNOTE:

[N] The excellent little work of Miss Sedgwick, ent.i.tled 'Live, and Let Live,' contains many valuable and useful hints, conveyed in a most pleasing narrative form, which every housekeeper would do well to read.

The writer also begs leave to mention a work of her own, ent.i.tled, 'Letters to Persons engaged in Domestic Service.'

CHAPTER XIX.

ON THE CARE OF INFANTS.

Every young lady ought to learn how to take proper care of an infant; for, even if she is never to become the responsible guardian of a nursery, she will often be in situations where she can render benevolent aid to others, in this most fatiguing and anxious duty.

The writer has known instances, in which young ladies, who, having been trained, by their mothers, properly to perform this duty, were, in some cases, the means of saving the lives of infants, and in others, of relieving, by their benevolent aid, sick mothers, from intolerable care and anguish.

On this point, Dr. Combe remarks, "All women are not destined, in the course of Nature, to become mothers; but how very small is the number of those, who are unconnected, by family ties, friends.h.i.+p, or sympathy, with the children of others! How very few are there, who, at some time or other of their lives, would not find their usefulness and happiness increased, by the possession of a kind of knowledge, intimately allied to their best feelings and affections! And how important is it, to the mother herself, that her efforts should be seconded by intelligent, instead of ignorant, a.s.sistants!"

In order to be prepared for such benevolent ministries, every young lady should improve the opportunity, whenever it is afforded her, for learning how to wash, dress, and tend, a young infant; and whenever she meets with such a work as Dr. Combe's, on the management of infants, she ought to read it, and _remember_ its contents.

It was the design of the author, to fill this chapter chiefly with extracts from various medical writers, giving some of the most important directions on this subject; but finding these extracts too prolix for a work of this kind, she has condensed them into a shorter compa.s.s. Some are quoted verbatim, and some are abridged, chiefly from the writings of Doctors Combe, Bell, and Eberle, who are among the most approved writers on this subject.

"Nearly one half of the deaths, occurring during the first two years of existence, are ascribable to mismanagement, and to errors in diet. At birth, the stomach is feeble, and as yet unaccustomed to food; its cravings are consequently easily satisfied, and frequently renewed."

"At that early age, there ought to be no fixed time for giving nourishment. The stomach cannot be thus satisfied." "The active call of the infant, is a sign, which needs never be mistaken."

But care must be taken to determine between the crying of pain or uneasiness, and the call for food; and the practice of giving an infant food, to stop its cries, is often the means of increasing its sufferings. After a child has satisfied its hunger, from two to four hours should intervene, before another supply is given.

"At birth, the stomach and bowels, never having been used, contain a quant.i.ty of mucous secretion, which requires to be removed. To effect this, Nature has rendered the first portions of the mother's milk purposely watery and laxative. Nurses, however, distrusting Nature, often hasten to administer some active purgative; and the consequence often is, irritation in the stomach and bowels, not easily subdued." It is only where the child is deprived of its mother's milk, as the first food, that some gentle laxative should be given.

"It is a common mistake, to suppose, that, because a woman is nursing, she ought to live very fully, and to add an allowance of wine, porter, or other fermented liquor, to her usual diet. The only result of this plan, is, to cause an unnatural fulness in the system, which places the nurse on the brink of disease, and r.e.t.a.r.ds, rather than increases, the food of the infant. More will be gained by the observance of the ordinary laws of health, than by any foolish deviation, founded on ignorance."

There is no point, on which medical men so emphatically lift the voice of warning, as in reference to administering medicines to infants. It is so difficult to discover what is the matter with an infant, its frame is so delicate and so susceptible, and slight causes have such a powerful influence, that it requires the utmost skill and judgement to ascertain what would be proper medicines, and the proper quant.i.ty to be given.

Says Dr. Combe, "That there are cases, in which active means must be promptly used, to save the child, is perfectly true. But it is not less certain, that these are cases, of which no mother or nurse ought to attempt the treatment. As a general rule, where the child is well managed, medicine, of any kind, is very rarely required; and if disease were more generally regarded in its true light, not as something thrust into the system, which requires to be expelled by force, but as an aberration from a natural mode of action, produced by some external cause, we should be in less haste to attack it by medicine, and more watchful in its prevention. Accordingly, where a constant demand for medicine exists in a nursery, the mother may rest a.s.sured, that there is something essentially wrong in the treatment of her children.

"Much havoc is made among infants, by the abuse of calomel and other medicines, which procure momentary relief, but end by producing incurable disease; and it has often excited my astonishment, to see how recklessly remedies of this kind are had recourse to, on the most trifling occasions, by mothers and nurses, who would be horrified, if they knew the nature of the power they are wielding, and the extent of injury they are inflicting."