The Works of Charles and Mary Lamb Volume IV Part 51

FIRST FOOTMAN That's not it, your honour.

SECOND FOOTMAN You speak.

FIRST FOOTMAN But if your honour would just be pleased to----

SECOND FOOTMAN Only be pleased to----

MR. H.

Be quick with what you have to say, for I am in haste.

FIRST FOOTMAN Just to----

SECOND FOOTMAN Let us know who it is----

FIRST FOOTMAN Who it is we have the honour to serve.

MR. H.

Why me, me, me; you serve me.

SECOND FOOTMAN Yes, Sir; but we do not know who you are.

MR. H.

Childish curiosity! do not you serve a rich master, a gay master, an indulgent master?

FIRST FOOTMAN Ah, Sir! the figure you make is to us, your poor servants, the princ.i.p.al mortification.

SECOND FOOTMAN When we get over a pot at the public-house, or in a gentleman's kitchen, or elsewhere, as poor servants must have their pleasures--when the question goes round, who is your master? and who do you serve? and one says, I serve Lord So-and-so, and another, I am Squire Such-a-one's footman----

FIRST FOOTMAN We have nothing to say for it, but that we serve Mr. H.

SECOND FOOTMAN Or Squire H.

MR. H.

Really you are a couple of pretty modest, reasonable personages; but I hope you will take it as no offence, gentlemen, if, upon a dispa.s.sionate review of all that you have said, I think fit not to tell you any more of my name, than I have chosen for especial purposes to communicate to the rest of the world.

FIRST FOOTMAN Why then, Sir, you may suit yourself.

SECOND FOOTMAN We tell you plainly, we cannot stay.

FIRST FOOTMAN We don't chuse to serve Mr. H.

SECOND FOOTMAN Nor any Mr. or Squire in the alphabet----

FIRST FOOTMAN That lives in Chris-cross Row.

MR. H.

Go, for a couple of ungrateful, inquisitive, senseless rascals! Go hang, starve, or drown!--Rogues, to speak thus irreverently of the alphabet--I shall live to see you glad to serve old Q--to curl the wig of great S--adjust the dot of little i--stand behind the chair of X, Y, Z--wear the livery of Et-caetera--and ride behind the sulky of And-by-itself-and!

[_Exit in a rage_.]

ACT II

SCENE.--_A handsome Apartment well lighted, Tea, Cards, &c.--A large party of Ladies and Gentlemen, among them_ MELESINDA.

FIRST LADY I wonder when the charming man will be here.

SECOND LADY He is a delightful creature! Such a polish----

THIRD LADY Such an air in all that he does or says----

FOURTH LADY Yet gifted with a strong understanding----

FIFTH LADY But has your ladys.h.i.+p the remotest idea of what his true name is?

FIRST LADY They say, his very servants do not know it. His French valet, that has lived with him these two years----

SECOND LADY There, Madam, I must beg leave to set you right: my coachman----

FIRST LADY I have it from the very best authority: my footman----

SECOND LADY Then, Madam, you have set your servants on----

FIRST LADY No, Madam, I would scorn any such little mean ways of conning at a secret. For my part, I don't think any secret of that consequence.

SECOND LADY That's just like me; I make a rule of troubling my head with n.o.body's business but my own.

MELESINDA But then, she takes care to make everybody's business her own, and so to justify herself that way----(_aside_).

FIRST LADY My dear Melesinda, you look thoughtful.

MELESINDA Nothing. SECOND LADY Give it a name.

MELESINDA Perhaps it is nameless.

FIRST LADY As the object----Come, never blush, nor deny it, child. Bless me, what great ugly thing is that, that dangles at your bosom?

MELESINDA This? it is a cross: how do you like it?

SECOND LADY A cross! Well, to me it looks for all the world like a great staring H.

(_Here a general laugh_.)

MELESINDA Malicious creatures! Believe me it is a cross, and nothing but a cross.