The Works of Charles and Mary Lamb Volume IV Part 58

CUTLET Some in drunken quarrels--

LUCY (_Aloud._) The butcher's shop at the corner.

CUTLET What were you saying about poor Cleaver?

LUCY He has found his ears at last. (_Aside._) That he has had his house burnt down.

CUTLET Bless me!

LUCY I saw four small children taken in at the green grocer's.

CUTLET Do you know if he is insured?

LUCY Some say he is, but not to the full amount.

CUTLET Not to the full amount--how shocking! He killed more meat than any of the trade between here and Carnaby market--and the poor babes--four of them you say--what a melting sight!--he served some good customers about Marybone--I always think more of the children in these cases than of the fathers and mothers--Lady Lovebrown liked his veal better than any man's in the market--I wonder whether her ladys.h.i.+p is engaged--I must go and comfort poor Cleaver, however.--[_Exit_.]

LUCY Now is this pretender to humanity gone to avail himself of a neighbour's supposed ruin to inveigle his customers from him. Fine feelings!--pshaw!

[_Exit_.]

(_Re-enter Cutlet_.)

CUTLET What a deceitful young hussey! there is not a word of truth in her.

There has been no fire. How can people play with one's feelings so!--(_sings_)--"For tenderness formed"--No, I'll try the air I made upon myself. The words may compose me--(_sings_).

A weeping Londoner I am, A washer-woman was my dam; She bred me up in a c.o.c.k-loft, And fed my mind with sorrows soft:

For when she wrung with elbows stout From linen wet the water out,-- The drops so like to tears did drip, They gave my infant nerves the hyp.

Scarce three clean muckingers a week Would dry the brine that dew'd my cheek: So, while I gave my sorrows scope, I almost ruin'd her in soap.

My parish learning I did win In ward of Farringdon-Within; Where, after school, I did pursue My sports, as little boys will do.

c.o.c.kchafers--none like me was found To set them spinning round and round.

O, how my tender heart would melt, To think what those poor varmin felt!

I never tied tin-kettle, clog, Or salt-box to the tail of dog, Without a pang more keen at heart, Than he felt at his outward part.

And when the poor thing clattered off, To all the unfeeling mob a scoff, Thought I, "What that dumb creature feels, With half the parish at his heels!"

Arrived, you see, to man's estate, The butcher's calling is my fate; Yet still I keep my feeling ways.

And leave the town on slaughtering days.

At Kentish Town, or Highgate Hill, I sit, retired, beside some rill; And tears bedew my glistening eye, To think my playful lambs must die!

But when they're dead I sell their meat, On shambles kept both clean and neat; Sweet-breads also I guard full well, And keep them from the blue-bottle.

Envy, with breath sharp as my steel, Has ne'er yet blown upon my veal; And mouths of dames, and daintiest fops, Do water at my nice lamb-chops.

[_Exit, half laughing, half crying._]

SCENE III.--A Street.

(Davenport, solus.)

DAVENPORT Thus far have I secured my charming prize. I can appretiate, while I lament, the delicacy which makes her refuse the protection of my sister's roof. But who comes here?

(_Enter Pendulous, agitated._) It must be he. That fretful animal motion--that face working up and down with uneasy sensibility, like new yeast. Jack--Jack Pendulous!

PENDULOUS It is your old friend, and very miserable.

DAVENPORT Vapours, Jack. I have not known you fifteen years to have to guess at your complaint. Why, they troubled you at school. Do you remember when you had to speak the speech of Buckingham, where he is going to execution?

PENDULOUS Execution!--he has certainly heard it. (_Aside_.)

DAVENPORT What a pucker you were in overnight!

PENDULOUS May be so, may be so, Mr. Davenport. That was an imaginary scene. I have had real troubles since.

DAVENPORT Pshaw! so you call every common accident.

PENDULOUS Do you call my case so common, then?

DAVENPORT What case?

PENDULOUS You have not heard, then?

DAVENPORT Positively not a word.

PENDULOUS You must know I have been--(_whispers_)--tried for a felony since then.

DAVENPORT Nonsense!

PENDULOUS No subject for mirth, Mr. Davenport. A confounded short-sighted fellow swore that I stopt him, and robbed him, on the York race-ground at nine on a fine moonlight evening, when I was two hundred miles off in Dorsets.h.i.+re. These hands have been held up at a common bar.

DAVENPORT Ridiculous! it could not have gone so far.

PENDULOUS A great deal farther, I a.s.sure you, Mr. Davenport. I am ashamed to say how far it went. You must know, that in the first shock and surprise of the accusation, shame--you know I was always susceptible--shame put me upon disguising my _name_, that, at all events, it might bring no disgrace upon my family. I called myself _James Thomson_.

DAVENPORT For heaven's sake, compose yourself.

PENDULOUS I will. An old family ours, Mr. Davenport--never had a blot upon it till now--a family famous for the jealousy of its honour for many generations--think of that, Mr. Davenport--that felt a stain like a wound--

DAVENPORT Be calm, my dear friend.