The Breitmann Ballads Part 13

VHEN ash de var vas ober, und Beace her shnow-wice vings Vas vafin' o'er de c.o.o.ndry (in shpodts) like efery dings Und heroes vere revardtet, de beople all pegan To say 'tvas shame dat nodings vas done for Breitemann.

No man wised how id vas shtartet, or vhere de fore shlog came, Boot dey shveared it vas a cinder, dereto a purnin' shame: "Dere is Schnitzerl in de Gustom-House -- potzblitz!

can dis dings be!

Und Breitemann he hafe nodings: vot sighds is dis to see!

"Nod de virst ret cendt for Breitmann! ish dis do pe de gry On de man dat sacked de repels und trinked dem high und dry?

By meine Seel' I shvears id, und vhat's more I deglares id's drue, He vonce gleaned oudt a down in half an our, und shtripped id strumpf und shoe.

"Vhen dey ploondered de down of Huntsville, I dells you vot, py tam!

He burned oop four biano-fords and a harp to roast a ham; Vhen he found de rouge und email de Paris, which de laties hafe hid in a shpot, He whited his horse all ofer - und denn pinked his ears, bei Gott!

"Vhen he found dat a blace was ploonder-fool, he alvays tell dem, sure: 'Men, sack und pack! I shoots mine eyes for only shoost an uhr.'

Boot if de blace vas fery rich, he vouldt say mit a solemn mien: 'Men - I only shleep for von half uhr more - ve moost hafe tiscipline.'

"He vas shoost like Koenig Etzel, of whom de shdory dell, Der Hun who go for de Romans und gife dem s.h.i.+nin h.e.l.l: Only dis dat dey say no gra.s.s vouldt crow vhere Etzel's horse had trot.

Und I really peliefe vhere Breitmann go, de hops shpring oop, bei Gott!"

If once you tie a dog loose, dere ish more soon geds aroundt, Und vhen dis vas shtartedt on Breitmann id was rings aroom be-foundt; Dough vhy he moost hafe somedings vas nod by no means glear, Nor tid id, like Paulus' confersion, on de snap to all abbear!

Und, in facdt, Balthazar b.u.mchen saidt he couldtent nicht blainly see Vhy a feller for gaddrin' riches shood dus revartedt pe: Der Breitmann own drei Houser, mit a weinhandle in a stohr, Dazu ein Lager-Wirthschaft, und sonst was - somedings more.

Dis plasted plackguard none-sense ve couldn't no means shtand From a narrow-mineted shvine's kopf, of our nople captain grand: Soosh low, goa.r.s.e, betty bornirtheit a shentleman deplores; So ve called him verfluchter Hundsfott, und shmysed him out of toors.

So ve all dissolfed dat Breitmann shouldt hafe a nomination To go to de Legisladoor, to make some dings off de nation; Mit de helb of a Connedigut man, in whom ve hafe great hobes, Who hat shange his boledics fivdeen dimes, und derefore knew de robes.

2. - THE COMMITTEE OF INSTRUCTION.

Denn for our Insdructions Comedy de ding vas protocollirt, By Docktor Emsig Grubler, who in Jena vonce studiret; Und for Breitmann his insdrugtions de comedy tid say Dat de All out-going from de Ones vash die first Moral Idee.

Und de segondt crate Moral Idee dat into him ve rings, Vas dat government for every man moost alfays do efery dings; Und die next Idee do vitch his mindt esbecially ve gall, Is to do mitout a Bresident und no government ad all.

Und die fourt' Idee ve vish der Hans vouldt alfays keeb in fiew, Ish to cooldifate die Peaudifool, likevise de Goot und Drue; Und de form of dis oopright-hood in proctise to present, He must get our liddle pills all ba.s.sed, mitout id's gostin' a cent.[29]

Und die fift' Idee - ash learnin' ish de cratest ding on eart', Und ash Shoopider der Vater to Minerfa gife gebirt'- Ve peg dat Breitmann oonto oos all p.o.o.plic toc.u.ments Vhich he can grap or shteal vill sendt - franked - mit his gompliments.

Die sechste crate Moral Idee - since id fery vell ish known Dat mind is de resooldt of food, ash der Moleschott has shown, Und ash mind ish de highest form of Gott, as in Fichte dot' abbear- He moost alfays go mit de barty dat go for lagerbier.

Now ash all dese insdrugdions vere showed to Mishder Twine, De Yangee boledician, he say dey vere fery fine: Dey vere pesser ash goot, und almosdt nice - a tarnal tall concern; Boot dey hafe some liddle trawbacks, und in f.a.gdt weren't worth a dern.

Boot yet, mit our bermission, if de shentlemans allow- Here all der Sharmans in de room dake off deir hats und pow- He vouldt gife our honored gandidate some nodions of his own, Hafing managed some elegdions mit sookcess, as vell vas known.

Let him plow id all his own vay, he'd pet as sure as born, Dat our mann vouldt not coom oud of der liddle endt der horn, Mit his goot proad Sharman shoulders - dis maket oos laugh, py s.h.i.+nk!

So de comedy shtart for Breitmann's - Nota bene - after a trink!

3. - MR. TWINE EXPLAINS BEING "SOUND UPON THE GOOSE."

Dere in his crate corved oaken shtuhl der Breitemann sot he: He lookt shoost like de s.h.i.+ant in de Kinder hishdorie: Und pefore him, on de tische, was - vhere man alfays foundt it- Dwelf inches of good lager, mit a Boemisch gla.s.s around it.

De foorst vordt dat der Breitmann spoke he maked no sbeech or sign!

De nexd remark vas "Zapfet aus!" - de dird vas, "Schenket ein!"

Vhen in commed liddle Gottlieb und Trina mit a shtock Of allerbest Markgraefler wein - dazu dwelf glaeser Bock.

Denn Mishder Twine deglare dat he vas happy to denounce Dat as Coptain Breitmann suited oos egsockdly do an ounce, He vas ged de nomination, and need nod more eckshblain: Der Breitmann d.i.n.k in silence, and denn roar aloudt, CHAMPAGNE!

Denn Mishder Twine, while drinkin' wein, mitwhiles vent on do say, Dat long instruckdions in dis age vere nod de dime of tay; Und de only ding der Breitmann need to pe of any use Vas shoost to dell to efery man he's soundt oopon der coose.

Und ash dis liddle frase berhops vas nod do oos bekannt, He dakes de liberdy do make dat ve shall oonder-shtand, And vouldt dell a liddle shdory vitch dook blace pefore de wars: Here der Breitmann nod to Trina, und she ba.s.s aroundt cigars.

"Id ish a longe dime, now here, in Bennsylfanien's Shtate, All in der down of Horrisburg dere rosed a vierce depate, 'Tween vamilies mit cooses, und dose vhere none vere foundt- If cooses might, by common law, go squanderin' aroundt?

"Dose who vere nod pe-gifted mit cooses, und vere poor, All shvear de law forbid dis crime, py s.h.i.+ngs und cerdain sure; But de coose-holders teklare a coose greadt liberdy tid need, And to pen dem oop vas gruel, und a mosdt oon-Christian teed.

"Und denn anoder barty idself tid soon refeal, Of arisdograts who kepd no coose, pecause 'twas nod shendeel: Tey tid not vish de splodderin' keese shouldt on deir pafemends ba.s.s, So dey shoined de anti-coosers, or de oonder lower gla.s.s!"

Here Breitmann led his shdeam out: "Dis shdory goes to show Dat in poled.i.c.ks, ash lager, virtus in medio.

De drecks ish ad de pottom - de skoom floads high inteed; Boot das bier ish in de mittle, says an goot old Sharman lied.[30]

"Und shoost apout elegdion-dimes de scoom und drecks, ve see, Have a pully Wahl-verwandtschaft, or election-sympathie."

"Dis is very vine," says Mishder Twine, "Vot here you indrotuce: Mit your bermission I'll grack on mit my shdory of de coose.

"A gandertate for sheriff de coose-beholders run Who shvear de coose de n.o.blest dings vot valk peneat' de sun; For de cooses safe de Capidol in Rome long dimes ago, Und Horrisburg need safin' mighty pad, ash all do know.[31]

"Acainsd dis mighdy Coose-man anoder veller rose, Who keepedt himself ungommon shtill vhen oders came to plows; Und if any ask how 'twas he shtoodt, his friendts wouldt vink so loose, Und vhisper ash dey dapped deir nose: 'He's soundt oopon de coose!

"'He's O.K. oopon de soobject:[32] shoost pet your pile on dat: On dis bartik'ler quesdion he indends to coot it fat.'

So de veller cot elegded pefore de beople foundt On vhitch site of der coose it vas he shtick so awful soundt.

"Und efer in America, hencevorwart from dat day, Ash mit de Native Mericans, de fas.h.i.+on vas to say- Likes well in de Kansas droples - de shap who tid not refuse To go mit beoples ash vanted him, vas soundt oopon der coose.

"Dis shdory's all I hafe to dell," says Mishder Hiram Twine; "Und I advise Herr Breitmann shoost to vight id on dis line."

De volk who of dese boledics would oder shapders read, Moost waiten for de segondt pardt of dis here Breitmann's Lied.

II.

4.-HOW BREITMANN AND SMITH WERE REPORTED TO BE LOG-ROLLING

ID hoppinet in de yar of crace, vhen all dese dings pegan, Dat Mishder Schmit, de shap who rooned acainsd der Breitmann, Vas a man who look like Mishder Twine so moosh dat beoples say Dey pliefe dey moost ge-brudert pe - Gott weiss in vot a vay!

Und id vas also moosh be-marked - vhitch look shoost like a bruder- Dat vhen Twine vas vork on any side der Schmit vas on der oder A fery gommon dodge ish mit de arisdocracie; So dat votefer cardt doorns op, id's game for de familie!

Nun, goot! Howefer dis might pe, 'tvas cerdain on dis. .h.i.t Der Twine vas do his tyfelest to euchre Mishder Schmit; Und Schmit, I criefe to say, exglaimed: "Gaul darn me for a fool, But I'll smash old Dutch to cholera fits and rake the eternal pool!"

So dey cot some liddle ledders, ash brifate ash could pe, Vhitch Breitmann writed long agone to friendts in Germany; Und dey brinted dem in efery vay to make de beoples laugh, Und comment on dem in de shtyle dat "sports" call "slasher-gaff."

Dere-to - as vash known py shoodshment und glearly ascertained, Dat Breitmann hafe lossed money py a valse und schwindlin' friendt- So dey roon it droo de newsbapers, und shbeech to make pegan, Dat Breitmann shtole de gelt himself und rop de oder man.[33]

Boot de ding dat jam de hardest on de men dat bull de vires, Und showed that Copitain Breitmann shtood pedween dwo heafy vires, Vas, pecause he vas a soldier - von could see id at a clanse- Dey had pud him in a tisdrigt vhere he hadn't half a shanse.