Book of Etiquette Volume I Part 21

During the first year of widowhood, the mourning card should have a black border one-fourth of an inch deep. The second year the border may be diminished one-sixteenth of an inch; and every six months after that, the same amount may be detracted from the border, until mourning is put off entirely. A widower's card has a border narrower than the widow's in proportion to the size of their respective cards. It, too, is gradually decreased in width until the end of the mourning period.

This graduation, or rather gradual narrowing, of the border is not used in the mourning of a sister's, brother's or parent's death. For these relatives, a border not less than a sixteenth or more than an eighth of an inch in width should be used. Mourning cards should not be a.s.sumed for an uncle, aunt or cousin, unless genuine sorrow and heartfelt sympathy are felt. A border that is a sixteenth of an inch in width is sufficient for the complete period of mourning for these latter relatives.

The mourning cards of parents and widows should bear the broadest black borders, but even they must not exceed the conventional width, which is not more than one-fourth of an inch. Very wide, glaring borders denote bad taste on the part of the owner. (See footnote)[1]

[1] There seems to be a tendency for widows to use, the first year of their mourning, cards that have borders measuring one-third of an inch in width. Certainly if one is in deep mourning, and genuinely sorrowing, a border of this width is permissible. But the one-quarter inch border, varying down to one-sixteenth of an inch, is always preferred, always in better taste.

WHEN THE WOMAN GOES A-CALLING

A visiting card is always left on the hall table or on the card tray, if it is not given to the servant. The caller must on no occasion carry it in and present it to her hostess like a _billet d'admission_. A woman _never_ presents it herself to her hostess.

When the call is made on the hostess' day at home, cards are left on the tray in the hall as each caller pa.s.ses through to the drawing- or reception-room. If it is the first call of the season, to that particular friend or acquaintance, she places one of her own cards and one of her husband's in the tray. Subsequent calls of the season do not require one of her own cards left each time in the tray; but if the call is made in return for some hospitality or entertainment accorded her and her husband, she leaves two of the latter's cards--provided, only, that the hostess is a married woman.

Until about 1893, women, when paying calls and finding that the hostess was not at home, turned down the left corner of the card towards the center, to indicate that all the women members of the family were included in the call. If the right corner was also turned down, it meant that the visitor came to make a formal call, not for the simple purpose of card-leaving. This custom has been entirely eliminated in America, at any rate, though it still prevails in certain foreign countries. And rightly so, for it is both affected and untidy.

WHEN MORE THAN ONE CARD IS LEFT

A wife beginning her rounds of first calls, leaves two of her husband's cards with one of her own. She repeats this when she comes to congratulate or condole, and when she pays her final calls of the season. It is wise for a wife always to carry a number of her husband's cards in her card case, as she is often called upon to use them for such social occasions that the busy business man is loath to attend.

If a wife calls upon a friend who is entertaining for a friend or relative and the invitation included her husband, she leaves three of his cards with one of her own if the hostess is a married woman, two of his and one of hers if she is single. She never leaves one of her husband's cards for an unmarried daughter. She should not use the card bearing both her name and that of her husband but should use two separate cards when it is in connection with social calls.

Etiquette does not permit a woman to leave a card for a man. She may call on a man only for the purpose of business, and then she uses her business cards, if she has them, instead of her social ones. A married woman calling upon a single woman who is the hostess and mistress of her own home, leaves one of her own cards and one of her husband's, or the joint card which is engraved, "Mr. and Mrs. William Allan Beckford." In many instances it may seem more courteous to leave more than one card, but a woman calling alone should never leave more than three. It has not been many years since she was almost compelled to leave half a dozen or more but common sense intervened and this custom like most others has been simplified.

SOME MORE POINTS ABOUT CALLS AND CARDS

A young lady during her first year in society may leave her name on the same card with her mother's. If there are two _debutante_ daughters, the joint card is made to suffice for all three. If a young lady using separate cards calls on a friend's day at home, she may put two cards into the tray on entering, if the hostess is receiving with a friend or daughter, or she may leave only one card, if she prefers. This is done only when the call is the first of the season, or when it is in return for some entertainment. Otherwise, if the young lady is a frequent visitor to the house, and calls on her friend's day at home, she need not leave her card.

Neither a matron nor a young lady may leave a card for a masculine member of the household. A young lady paying a chance call on a mother and daughters, and being told that the ladies are out, leaves two of her cards. An unmarried woman calling on her married friend leaves but one card. But if this friend has a friend or relative receiving with her, or if she has a daughter or daughters in society, then a card is left for each of the ladies.

An unmarried woman, living with a father or brother, and acting as mistress of the household, has cards left for her as carefully as the matron. A widow must also be given scrupulous attention in the matter of cards.

A young lady who calls after a dance, dinner or theater party leaves a card for the mother of the young friend upon whom she calls. If a mother gives a dance or dinner in honor of her son just returned from college, or just leaving for college, the ladies who attend call afterward only on the hostess and leave their cards for her.

Sometimes, one calls upon a friend or acquaintance at a hotel or inn.

If the ladies are out, the caller leaves cards marked for the persons they are intended, in pencil. Otherwise they are likely to go astray, considering the indifference and carelessness of the average servants.

It is also customary for both men and women, when paying calls in strange neighborhoods, to write on their cards their temporary address.

The corner that is opposite that used for the permanent address is devoted to the filling-in of this temporary address.

THE CHANCE CALLS

If a married woman calls in return for some hospitality shown her and her husband, she leaves two of her own cards and two of his. But if it is just a social call, she leaves only her own card. In this latter case, she asks at the door to see the ladies. If she is informed that they are not at home, she gives the card to the maid and departs. On the other hand, if the ladies are at home, the card is placed on the tray in the hall, and the caller goes into the drawing-room to be welcomed by her friends.

If the maid does not know whether or not the ladies are at home, and says she will see, the caller gives her own card and goes into the drawing-room to wait further word from the maid. Should the ladies be out, she leaves two of her husband's cards on the card tray in the hall before leaving. If the ladies are at home, she does not deposit her husband's cards in the tray until her departure.

Very often a lady will call on a very good friend, more for a friendly little talk and for companions.h.i.+p than for social duty. In this case, she is privileged to send up only one card; and leave it behind, whether that lady is out or in, without any other cards.

SIMPLE CARD-LEAVING

Frequently, cards are left when there is no intention on the part of the owner to make a call. To return calls made upon one, by persistent card-leaving, is to indicate that one wishes to draw a friends.h.i.+p to a close. It is accomplished merely by leaving a card, on no particular at-home day but simply by chance, and by making no inquiries of the servant. One says to a servant, "Please forward these cards to Miss Adams" or, "These cards are for Mr. and Mrs. Blakelock."

There are several exceptions--several occasions when cards may be left without a formal call and still indicate no desire to terminate an acquaintances.h.i.+p. It is only persistent card-leaving that is indicative of this latter. A lady in mourning, for instance, is privileged to leave her cards only in return for invitations she may have received.

It is proper for people in mourning to leave cards for all those persons who called after the burial to leave cards of condolence; these return cards are usually black-bordered, and they are left about one month after the funeral.

Another custom that remains unchanged through the constant evolution of social culture, is that of leaving cards for the bride's mother when invitations to the church ceremony only are received, and when the bride's mother is a stranger to the person invited. Upon receiving the announcement of a wedding, the proper thing to do is to leave cards for the bride's mother, even though she is a total stranger.

Cards must be left by each guest for the lady who has entertained a club, charity or literary organization, at her home. They serve the same purpose as cards that are left after an entertainment or hospitality on the part of the hostess.

The custom of card-leaving without a call is also observed when a friend or acquaintance goes to a home that has been visited by death.

SHOULD A STRANGER LEAVE CARDS?

The question has often been asked, whether or not a man or woman being entertained by friends, is obligated to leave cards when they accompany those friends on calls. There are certain varying conditions that govern the answer to this question.

The stranger is invited to accompany the caller primarily as a matter of convenience. If the person visited is not at home, no question of card-leaving is involved--only the friend leaves cards and not the stranger. But if the hostess is found at home, and if the stranger intends to spend at least two weeks in the neighborhood, it is necessary for him, or her, to leave cards. It is not necessary for the stranger to leave cards when the visit in the neighborhood is to be a short one, and the call is entirely a matter of convenience. If no card is left, the hostess will understand that no call is expected in return, and that the stranger expects no invitations to the coming social activities in the neighborhood.

Sometimes a man or woman accompanies a friend or relative to the home of a stranger, for the purpose, previously arranged, of being introduced and paying a first call. Here the etiquette of card-leaving is clearly defined. If the call is made on the day at home, the caller leaves his or her cards on the hall table, just as for any other first call. But if it happens to be a chance call, and the hostess is not at home, the stranger leaves cards with those of a friend.

When two women pay a chance call together, and one is a perfect stranger at the house visited, no question of card etiquette arises if the hostess is not at home. But if she is at home, the stranger may pencil his or her name on the card that the friend sends up. No card is left by this stranger, unless he has been cordially entertained in the hostess' drawing-room, served with tea, and unless the hostess has expressed a desire of meeting him, or her, again. In this case, a card is left when the stranger is departing, and a return call is expected.

CARDS AND BUSINESS CALLS

The laws of social calling and card-leaving do not hold true when a business call is made. A special set of rules takes care of all business calls that the woman may make.

The usage which governs the woman who is calling upon a man on a matter of business has already been described. She does not send in her card.

To give her name to the attendant, stating her business, or to write both on a slip of paper provided for the purpose, is sufficient.

If the business call is made on a woman who is a stranger to the other woman who is making the call, it is necessary to send in one card, inscribed with the name of the caller and a few penciled words regarding the nature of the business. Or the card may be sent in with a brief word to the servant regarding the purpose of the call.

Two women who are on charity committees, or other committees, together, who are social equals but who do not exchange cards and calls, have a special card etiquette to follow when calling upon each other regarding matters of mutual interest on the committee. The caller sends up one of her own personal cards with a word or two explaining the object of the call. This card is left with the servant to give to the hostess if she is not at home.

WHEN A MAN LEAVES CARDS

All the rules of card-leaving outlined for the woman who follows the dictates of social calling, may be applied to the well-bred young man--but with the following exceptions:

A man never leaves the cards of any other man, nor does he a.s.sume any of the card-leaving duties incurred by the feminine members of his family. When calling on a lady's afternoon at home, the gentleman leaves one card for the hostess and one for the host on the card tray, on entering the house. Whether the host is at home or not, if the caller is acquainted with him, he must leave one of his cards for him, provided that the call is being made in return for some hospitality enjoyed. If there is a young daughter in the family with whom the caller is acquainted, a third card must be left.

A young man, calling at the home of a young lady, asks to see the ladies, meaning the mother or chaperon as well as the particular young lady herself. No well-mannered young man asks to see only one lady, when there are several others in the house. If the ladies are out, he may leave a sufficient number of cards for all of them, including one for the host or he may leave one card without explanation. If the ladies are in, he still leaves a card for the host on the hall table when he is departing.

When making his first or last call of the season, a man may leave one card for each one of the ladies and each one of the men of the household with whom he is acquainted. This holds true only when the call is made on the day at home, or on a Sunday afternoon or evening.

The man who calls on a lady's day at home, and whose call has no reference to any social debts or obligations, leaves only one card--and if he is an intimate friend of the house where the call is made, he leaves no cards at all.