Book of Etiquette Volume I Part 3

It is also customary to place an announcement in the society columns of the newspapers simultaneously with the giving of the dinner party. It should always be written by the parents about their daughter, or by the guardian if she has no parents--never by the engaged girl herself.

ANNOUNCING AN ENGAGEMENT IN THE NEWSPAPERS

The vogue to-day seems to favor announcing engagements in the newspaper rather than through the issuing of announcement cards. Such items of announcement should be sent to the society editor of the paper selected, and should be signed with the full name and address of the sender. Brief items are always better than long ones.

Here are two typical newspaper announcements of recent engagements:

_"Mr. and Mrs. Henry M. Bower announce the engagement of their daughter Rose to Mr. Walter Barrie of Boston. The date of the wedding will be announced in this paper later."_

_"The engagement of Miss Lillian Hall to Mr. Robert G. Manning is announced by Mr. and Mrs. John B. Hall. The wedding is to take place in St. Thomas's Church on the 15th of June."_

ENGAGEMENT GIFTS

It is not customary for elaborate engagement gifts to be presented, even by near relatives. In fact, the mode of the engagement gift has been gradually disappearing until to-day congratulations are considered sufficient. However, the close friends of the young lady may send her, with their congratulations, pleasing bits of chinaware, gla.s.sware, and sometimes even silver. Odd pieces of bric-a-brac and quaint, unusual gifts, and antiques are always acceptable. Markings on gifts are usually in the maiden name of the bride--but if any doubt is felt as to which she herself would prefer, it is best to ask her.

There is an old tradition regarding the giving of tea-cups as an engagement present. A lover, who was obliged to go away on an extended sea journey, gave to his betrothed a delicate china cup, asking her to drink tea from it every afternoon. He said, "If I am unfaithful, the cup will fill to overbr.i.m.m.i.n.g and the tea pouring over the sides will crack the thin china. Then you will know I have broken faith." The custom has been brought down to us, and now we find that the giving of a tea-cup or a tea-set as an engagement present signifies faithfulness--and it may mean faithfulness to friends.h.i.+p or love as the case may be. We usually find that a young lady's spinster friends are partial to the custom; they seem to find particular enjoyment in presenting her with dainty tea-cups, either separately or in sets.

Expensive gifts should never be exchanged during an engagement, barring of course the engagement ring. The young man may present his prospective bride with books, flowers or candy, but articles of wearing apparel are considered bad taste.

To be modest, gracious, dignified during the engagement, to continue one's social duties faithfully, neither neglecting one's friends nor becoming self-consciously enthusiastic, to be self-possessed and unaffected even while one is the center of much lively interest and animated discussion--this is the end to be desired, and the young man and woman who have accomplished it are indeed fortunate.

BRIDAL SHOWERS

A good many years ago a friend of a young woman who was about to be married decided that the only gift she could afford was too slight an offering to express the love and good wishes that she felt. Knowing that there were other friends who felt the same way she called them together and suggested that they present their gifts at the same time.

Then and there the idea of the "shower" was born.

The custom has prevailed and in most instances to-day the shower has a special purpose, such as the linen shower or the kitchen shower or the book shower. It is a very charming way of presenting gifts that would seem too trifling if they were presented alone.

Intimate friends of the bride are the guests at a shower. It is usually a very informal affair and nearly always a surprise to the bride. The gifts may be hidden in a Jack Horner pie, they may be wrapped in all sorts of odd packages, or they may be presented in any of a hundred and one attractive ways. Originality in this, as in all entertainments, is greatly to be desired.

The young lady who is honored with a shower thanks the guests verbally, and afterwards she may write each of them a little note expressing her grat.i.tude. It is necessary to do so if the affair was an elaborate one and the gifts were expensive.

LENGTH OF THE ENGAGEMENT

The question of how long an engagement should last is usually governed by attendant conditions. There is, however, a marked tendency for engagements to be short; in fact, fas.h.i.+on now demands that the wedding-day be at least tentatively fixed before the engagement is announced.

Many times there are excellent reasons why it should be of several years' duration. It is best not to announce the fact formally, though it may be understood among one's friends. Matters of this kind are to be determined by the two people who are most concerned, and if a young man and his fiance have decided that they would like to have a long engagement the rules of etiquette have nothing to say against it.

RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE WEDDING

The father and mother of the young lady who is about to be married a.s.sume all responsibility for the preparation for and the celebration of the wedding. The groom is not expected to pay for anything except the ring and flowers for the bride and, if he wishes, the flowers for the bridesmaids and trifling gifts for the ushers and other attendants.

The clergyman's fee also devolves upon him, but all other expenses are paid by the bride's parents or guardians. Indeed, it would indicate a great lack of tact or delicacy on the part of the groom to offer to provide a part of the trousseau or to pay for any of the other expenses incidental to the occasion.

Announcement cards, invitations, music, flowers and other decorations for the church, the preparations for the breakfast or reception to follow the ceremony--all of these are paid for by her parents. The wedding should never be more elaborate than the parents of the bride can afford.

FAMILIES AND FRIENDS

It is always very delightful when the families of an engaged couple find themselves congenial, and every effort should be made by the young people to bring about, if it does not already exist, a harmonious relations.h.i.+p between their immediate families. It is almost equally desirable that each shall like the friends of the other and heroic efforts must be made to do so. A pleasing way to bring friends together is by means of an informal reception. The invitations should be cordial notes written by hand. The following indicates the usual form:

_Bayside, April 4, 19--_

_Dear May:_

_No doubt you already know that I am engaged to be married to Ralph Curran. Thursday afternoon from three to five mother is giving a little reception for his friends and mine, and we both hope that you will be able to attend._

_Cordially yours,_

_Helen Hall._

For the members of the immediate families or for very close friends a dinner is suggested but the most important point for the family which is doing the entertaining to keep in mind is the style of living to which the other has been accustomed, and nothing should be done which might embarra.s.s them. If the family has been accustomed to great elegance the one that is acting as host need have no fear for people who are worth knowing appreciate simplicity wherever they find it; but if they are in very moderate circ.u.mstances it is the cruellest kind of discourtesy to attempt to overawe them with ceremonious hospitality.

It is ordinarily the family of the groom that is first to approach the other with an invitation of some kind, but extenuating circ.u.mstances make the convention vary. Often a young girl is invited to visit in the home of her fiance before her marriage. It is an invitation which she may accept with perfect propriety.

CHAPTER IV

WEDDING INVITATIONS AND ANNOUNCEMENTS

THE WEDDING INVITATION

Not later than fifteen days, and not earlier than four weeks before the date set for the marriage, wedding invitations are sent to those friends, relatives and acquaintances who are to be present at the ceremony. When the wedding is to be a large church affair, invitations are sent to all those whose names appear on the visiting lists of the two families. They are also issued to relatives and friends of the bride and groom who may be traveling abroad, to the important business a.s.sociates of the groom, and those of the bride's father. Intimate friends and relatives in mourning are also invited, whether they are expected to attend or not.

For a home wedding, more discrimination is shown in the issuing of invitations. Intimate friends and relatives of both families are invited, but no casual acquaintances. In sending out the invitations, the bride-to-be and her mother should take into consideration the number of people who will fit comfortably into the reception or drawing room.

SIZE AND MATERIAL

Formal wedding invitations should always be engraved. They are issued in the name of the bride's parents, or, if she is an orphan, in the names of a married brother and his wife, of her guardian or her nearest male relative.

Pure white or cream-tinted paper, unglazed but smooth in surface, should be used for wedding invitations. A conventional size, although each year sees another size in wedding invitations, is seven inches in length by six inches in width. These dimensions vary, but never more than an inch or so. They fold once into the envelope. Plain script is favored for the engraving of the wedding cards; old English script, Roman capitals and block lettering are all effective. A good stationer will show you the types of lettering most suited to wedding invitations at the present time. It is his business to be able to advise you.

If there is a family crest (the bride's family) it may be embossed in white in the center at the top of the engraved sheet, but not on the flap of the envelope. A recent fas.h.i.+on is to have the bride's initials embossed in white where the crest would appear. Both are effective; but such decorations as gilt-edges, entwined letters of coats-of-arms in colors are in bad taste.

Very fine paper should be selected for the wedding invitation. No tint except cream may be used; pure-white is considered the very best form.

The paper should be of medium weight, unglazed, and smooth.

Light-weight paper through which lettering can be easily seen should not be used. Nor should the paper be so thick and heavy that it breaks when folded.

KINDS OF ENVELOPES