Book of Etiquette Volume I Part 6

WHEN DEATH INTERVENES

Often a death in the family occurs when preparations are under way for a wedding. If the death is that of a parent or very dear relative the wedding should be postponed, if circ.u.mstances permit, as a mark of respect and sincere sorrow for the deceased. But if the wedding must take place as scheduled, or even two or three months after the death, good taste and delicacy demand that it shall be quiet and simple, with only a few near relatives and friends present.

If the ceremony is performed in church there should be no garlands of gay flowers to strike a festive note. A bit of fern or other green foliage here and there is sufficient decoration. The bride may have one bridesmaid and a maid of honor--but an elaborate bridal train is considered poor taste within six months of a dearly beloved one's death. The ceremony itself is dispatched with expedience and rapidity, yet without any semblance whatever of haste.

Whether it is held in church or at home, the wedding during the period of mourning is characterized by a solemn simplicity that has none of the triumphant joyousness of the elaborate wedding. And still the occasion sacrifices none of its happiness, for sorrow brings to human nature the same mellow sweetness that the flight of time brings to untasted wine.

To pay fitting reverence to the dead, weddings and receptions of all kinds should be postponed. But if circ.u.mstances decree that they shall take place, then the occasion may be marked by so quiet and unpretentious a ceremony that the respect due the deceased is in no way violated.

CHAPTER V

WEDDINGS

THE CHURCH WEDDING

The bride and groom decide between them the church where they wish the wedding to take place and the clergyman whom they wish to officiate.

When there is no religious difference between the couple the matter is a very simple one and the church which the bride's family regularly attends is the one chosen, but when he is of one faith and she of another it may a.s.sume serious proportions. If neither is inclined to yield gracefully the laws of etiquette decree that the groom should give in, not only because chivalry demands it but also because the wedding day by right and tradition belongs primarily to the bride.

The church should be decorated for the occasion but not with great elaboration. Palms, ferns, and smilax, roses, lilies and other flowers are appropriate. Ribbon also may be used effectively. White streamers are sometimes used to mark off the seats which are to be occupied by the relatives and intimate friends of the bride and groom, but there are many people who do not like to indicate so definitely the lines of demarcation among their guests.

Extravagance in any of the appointments of the wedding are in extremely bad taste. It is sometimes well to remember the delightful logic of the old lady who said that she did not dress better than she could afford to at home because everybody knew her and there was no use trying to impress them; and she did not dress better than she could afford when she went to the city because n.o.body knew her and it did not make any difference whether she impressed them or not. No set form of decoration can be given, but magnificent ornamentation is out of place in a simple chapel or church, and in every place profusion beyond one's means is not only ill-bred but foolish.

ATTENDANTS

Among the Anglo-Saxons the custom of an impressive escort for the bride had its origin. To-day it is a matter of choice, and the bride may have as many or as few as she pleases. Her maid of honor is usually her sister or her best friend and her bridesmaids are chosen from among those who are dearest to her. The groom chooses the best man and the bride and groom together select the ushers.

THE BRIDESMAIDS

Although the number of bridesmaids is entirely a matter of choice, it is the fas.h.i.+on at an elaborate church wedding to have not less than five nor more than ten. A maid or matron of honor, two little pages or flower girls, and, if it is desired, a third child to bear the cus.h.i.+on to the altar, completes the bridal train.

The bevy of bridesmaids consists of the bride's dearest friends. If she has sisters, one of them, as well as one of the bridegroom's sisters, must be included in her escort. For maid or matron of honor, the bride selects a sister or intimate friend.

It is sometimes customary for the bride to provide the dresses of her bridesmaids. This, however, is dependent upon circ.u.mstances and conditions, and is not really essential. It is important, though, that the bride visit each bridesmaid personally and request her services at the wedding, unless she lives at some distance.

The bride, if the wedding is to be an elaborate one, may suggest to the bridesmaids the kind of gowns she would like them to wear. The young ladies may be trusted to follow her wishes implicitly. No one would willingly mar a friend's wedding by appearing in a gown that does not agree with the general plan. The gowns need not be identical; but the colors must be the same, or at least harmonize. Light shades are always the fas.h.i.+on for bridesmaids. White, of course, for the bride.

The bridesmaids should be invited many weeks before the wedding so that they will have ample time for preparation. Nearly always the dress has to be made, and this takes time.

It is customary for the bridesmaids to be dressed alike or very nearly alike. The custom had its origin in primitive times when evil spirits were supposed to attend wedding ceremonies and the bride and groom were surrounded by friends of their own age and s.e.x dressed similarly so that the spirits could not single out the happy couple for their evil designs. It is a far cry from that time to this, and the only reason why the bridesmaids are dressed similarly now is because the effect is so much prettier than could be attained by a miscellaneous array of gowns, however beautiful each one in itself might be.

They carry flowers, either cut flowers or bouquets, but their bouquets are never so elaborate as that carried by the bride. Usually they wear a bit of jewelry which was presented by the groom. This, too, is a curious survival of primitive marriage customs when the groom had to capture the bride, and because she was fleet-footed and wild (or perhaps because he was lazy), bribed her friends to lure her to the place where he was waiting.

REHEARSALS

Elaborate weddings should always be rehea.r.s.ed at least once beforehand.

In arranging these rehearsals the bride must have in mind the convenience of her attendants, and by consulting them, should settle upon a time that will be agreeable for the majority. The requests for one's presence at a rehearsal may be made verbally or by notes.

Refreshments are usually served afterward at the home of the bride.

She must arrange for the opening of the church, and she should provide a way for the young ladies who are at some distance to get there. The details of the ceremony should be practiced until the whole thing can be accomplished with ease and grace. Every possible effort must be made to eliminate a stilted and wooden effect on the actual day of the wedding.

REGARDING THE USHERS

At the rehearsal they should receive careful instructions (usually from the clergyman), as a large part of the smoothness and charm of the wedding ceremony depends upon their knowledge of the right thing to do at the right time.

On the day of the wedding, they must be at the church at least an hour before the scheduled time for the ceremony. It is part of their duty to welcome the guests and escort them to their seats. An old custom was for the usher to offer his right arm to a lady, and although it still prevails, a more accepted form is for him to welcome each guest with a smile, precede her down the aisle, and with a graceful indication, direct her to her place.

Front seats should always be reserved for the relatives and most intimate friends of both families. At most fas.h.i.+onable weddings, the names of the people to receive these front seats are tabulated on cards and given to the ushers. Another custom that is permissible is to mark off the number of seats in front that are to be reserved with a white ribbon, extending from aisle to aisle and terminating at the end seats with pretty bows or festoons. This manner of reserving seats for the "guests of honor" is not only effective, but is also decorative.

THE WEDDING DAY

June and October, because the weather is usually beautiful and flowers are more abundant than at other times, are the favorite months for brides, though there is not a single month out of the twelve that does not see its full quota of elaborate weddings. During Lent there are fewer than at any other time.

There is an old superst.i.tion which says that Friday is an unlucky day for a wedding, but the prejudice that rose from it has so largely been done away with that the only choice among the days of the week is that which rises from the bride's personal convenience and desire.

A wedding may take place at any hour of the day. Morning weddings are usually very simple. Elaborate ceremonies are usually performed at high noon or in the evening while the wedding that is neither very simple nor very elaborate (and this means most weddings) takes place in the afternoon. In a great many instances the hour has to be arranged with reference to the time the train on which the bride and groom expect to leave departs.

ARRIVING AT THE CHURCH

The wedding party should arrive promptly at the church a few minutes before the time mentioned for the ceremony. Few moments are more tensely anxious than those in which a belated member of the wedding party is awaited by the others. For this reason, it is always better to a.s.semble at the home of the bride rather than in the vestibule of the church or elsewhere. Except the groom and best man, who await the others in the vestry and the ushers who have gone on ahead an hour or so earlier.

The bride's mother, the maid of honor and guests leave the home of the bride first. They are followed by the bridesmaids. The last to leave are the bride and her father.

The bride's mother is escorted to her place (the aisle seat of the front pew on the left side) by the head usher. Those of her children who have no part in the procession accompany her. The family of the bridegroom are similarly conducted to their reserved place, the front pew on the right side. As soon as the bridesmaids and the bridal party arrive at the door of the church, the bridegroom is informed, and the entire cortege a.s.sembles in the vestibule. The organist has previously been informed as to what musical selections are to be played, and as soon as he gets his cue, he strikes a chord--and while the mellow notes of the organ peal forth (usually the beautiful tones of the wedding-march from "Lohengrin") the doors at the foot of the aisle slowly swing open.

WEDDING MUSIC

The bride usually enters on Lohengrin and goes out on Mendelssohn.

Throughout the ceremony, except when prayers are being said, there should be soft music and the organ should continue to play until all the guests have left the church, unless chimes are rung. In the event that there are chimes they should begin to ring as soon as the bridal party has left the church. The music for a church service may be very stately and impressive. Besides the organ stringed instruments may be employed and soloists or a choir may be asked to sing. Music is especially pleasing during the time when the guests are waiting for the wedding party to a.s.semble.

The musical program in the home is not very different. A piano and one or two stringed instruments furnish the instrumental music while friends of the bride and groom may be requested to sing. These should be rewarded by a gift from the groom. There is a wider choice in the kind of music which may be used at the home wedding, for the beautiful secular love songs which are out of place at the church are most appropriate here.

THE WEDDING PROCESSION

The order of the wedding procession depends largely upon the number of attendants. The following arrangement is frequently observed: The ushers enter first, walking slowly down the aisle two by two. The bridesmaids follow in the same manner, the maid of honor, who is unattended, comes next, followed by the bride, who leans on the arm of her father. Flower girls may precede the procession or they may walk just in front of the bride and a page or pages may be added to the group to bear the train of the bride's gown. The bride is always the last to enter and she comes alone or with whoever is to give her away at the altar.