The Lovers Assistant Part 2

This Doctrine you may learn from all other Sportsmen: for if a Bird escapes with Birdlime on his Wings, or a Boar breaks through the Toils, or a Fish gets off from the Hook; they are all sure to alarm their Companions, and spoil the Sport of the Fowler, the Hunter, or the Fisher. If once therefore you attempt her, press her to it with all your Vigour, and never leave her till you have enjoyed her.

For when once she is involved in the same Guilt with yourself, you are sure she will not betray you. Nay, you may be a.s.sured further, that she will betray every Word and Action of her Mistress to you.

But take particular care not to blab any of the Secrets she discloses to you: for while her Mistress hath no Suspicion of her Confidant, she will be able to lay her entirely open to your Knowledge.

And now, to resume that Matter, believe me, he is deceived, who thinks that none but the Farmer and Mariner are obliged to regard the Season: for as it is not proper at all times to commit the Corn to the fallacious Fields, nor to trust your Vessel at all times to the green Ocean; so neither is it always safe to attack a tender Girl, for she will be taken at one time who will resist at another. If it be for instance her Birth-day[42], perhaps, her Grandmother hath instructed her to be particularly cautious on that day; so if it be the Day of the Week on which _Childermas_ hath happened to fall that Year; or King _Charles's_ Martyrdom: defer the attack at all such Seasons. For to speak in Sea-Language, then is dirty Weather[43], then it blows a Hurricane; and if you weigh Anchor at that Season, you will be scarce able to keep your keel downwards.

Above all avoid your Mistress's Birth-day; nor will it be more prudent in you to visit her first on the Morning of _Valentine's_ Day[44], you will pay more for being her Valentine than it is worth. Indeed all Seasons which give them any Hint of receiving Presents should be carefully avoided: for be never so cautious and sneaking, have it of you she will. They all very well know the Art of squeezing a Lover who longs to squeeze them.

Mr.[C] _Deards_ will make his Appearance in his Silk Night-Gown, and unbundle his Packet in your Presence. The Lady will then desire you to look over his Trinkets, (she can do no less, you know, in Compliment to your Taste:) then she will make you a Present of a Kiss, and afterwards desire you to buy it.

[Note C: An eminent Joyner in _London_.]

"I promise you, my Dear," says she, "if you will but buy me this single Jewel, I will not ask another of you the Lord knows how long; but I have really a present Occasion for this, and besides it is the cheapest Thing I ever saw."

If you pretend to have no Money about you, the Answer is, O, my Dear, you may give your Note: Mr. _Deards_ will take your Note. So that you may repent having learnt to write your Name. Then she adds, _O la, I had almost forgot, it is my Birth-day, I am sure you will make me a Present on my Birth-day_: for they can be born every Day in the Year to serve their Purpose. Or else she pretends to have lost a Drop from her Ear-Ring; this Loss makes her miserable, and sure, says she, _if you loved me, you would repair that Loss_.

Nay, some are not so honest as to desire a Present, they only borrow; but they are sure never to restore. By this Means you lose the Thing, without having the Merit of bestowing it.

In short, if I had ten Mouths, with ten Tongues in each, all would not suffice to display all the Arts by which Harlots pick the Pockets of their Cullies.

Begin then your Amour with an Epistle; let that break the Ice for you, and make the first Discovery of your Flame.

In this you may insert all your little Blandishments, and Expressions of Fondness, nor be ashamed, however high your Quality is, to add the strongest Entreaties.

Remember that many a Rebel's Son hath had his Life spared at the Supplication of his Father; nay, the Wrath of Heaven itself is often averted by Prayer.

It is moreover my Advice to you, to be liberal of your Promises; for what Injury can you receive by Promising? This is a Treasure in which any Man may be rich.

Nor can your Mistress complain that she is absolutely cheated, if you can bring her to believe your Promises. A lifely Faith hath supported many a Man for a long Time: For though our Faith may sometimes deceive us, it is however a great and commodious Virtue.

Beware of giving: For when once your Mistress hath the Present in her Clutches, she may answer jilting you to her Prudence. She hath gained at least what she is in possession of, and cannot be said to have lost any thing by the Bargain.

On the contrary, keep her still in Expectation. Seem always about to give, but never part with a s.h.i.+lling: For in this Manner doth a barren Soil often deceive its Owner. Thus, that he may not be a Loser, the Gamester pushes on his ill Luck, and one flattering Throw makes him eager to have the Box again in his Hands.

Indeed the great Business is to enjoy your Mistress before she hath touched you. If she once yield to you gratis, she will continue to bestow her Favours still gratis, in Hopes of being at last rewarded for all her past Favours.

Epistolize therefore first; flatter and sooth her with tender Lines.

Let these probe her Mind, and open the Way for your Addresses.

You know the Story of _Cydippe_[45], who was outwitted by a Letter inclosed in an Apple; by which Means she was made to speak Words she never intended.

I would advise the young Gentlemen of the _Temple_, to study the Arts of Persuasion, on other Accounts, besides that of defending Sheep-stealers at an a.s.sizes: For a pretty Girl may be as easily captivated by Eloquence, as a Judge or Jury; and surely she is a much n.o.bler Prize.

But here conceal your Art, and do not carry your Eloquence in your Face: And above all Things, beware of hard Words; for who but an empty c.o.xcomb ever made a verbose Declamation to his Mistress? By such Methods you may raise her Abhorrence more probably than her Love.

Let your Pa.s.sion appear credible, and disclose it in easy and common Language; it may be as tender and warm as you please; but preserve the Stile of Conversation.

If she should not receive your Letter, but send it back unopened, hope for better Success another Time, and maintain your Purpose.

Time brings the Stubborn Steer to bend his Neck to the Yoke, and the Horse to endure the Bridle.

Iron Bonds and Ploughshares are worn out by constant Use. What is harder than a Rock? or what is softer than Water? And yet hard Rocks are hollowed by soft Water.

_Penelope_ herself in Time might have been conquered. You see _Troy_, though it defended itself so long, was however taken at last.

If she reads your Letters, but is unwilling to answer them, do not attempt to compel her. If she but reads your Fondness, it is sufficient.

If she will read, in Time she will answer what she reads. All these Matters will be brought about in their own good Time.

Perhaps the first Answer she sends you will be a cruel one, and may desire you to quit all future Solicitations.

She fears to be taken at her Word, and hopes you will not grant her Request. Follow her, and in Time you will obtain your Wishes.

If you meet her Chair, and the Curtains should be drawn, approach it as it were by Accident; and when you discover her there, whisper something tender in her Ear; but whisper softly, lest the Chairman, or any other impertinent Person, should over-hear you.

When she walks in the _Mall_, dangle after her, and interrupt her Walk with your Conversation.

Here you will have an Opportunity of seeing her Shape, and shewing her yours, by sometimes walking behind, and sometimes before her.

But for the most Part keep even pace with her, whether she trips along briskly, or only saunters.

Sometimes she will take a longer Walk, as far perhaps as the second or Third Stone. Hither follow her, and take every Opportunity of getting up close to her Side.

Never let her go to the Play without attending her: No Matter what the Play is, she will bring sufficient Entertainment for you with her.

Here keep your Eyes always intent on her only, and admire every Thing about her. By your Eyes, and by Signs, you may inform her of many Things.

Be sure to applaud greatly any amorous wanton Dance; and be no less favourable to those Scenes where the Business of Love is transacted, and almost brought to a Conclusion on the Stage: Many of which occur in _Congreve_, _Vanbrugh_, and _Wycherly_.

If she rises between the Acts, rise also; if she sits, as sometimes Ladies do, to express their Contempt for the Audience, do you likewise keep your Seat. In a Word, conduct yourself entirely according to her Example and Pleasure.

Now with regard to your Person: Do not imitate some finical _Pet.i.t Matre_ in his _Toupet_, much less in more detestable Effeminacies.

Tuck your Hair rather under your Hat, like the rough Fox-hunter, who traverses Hill and Dale to the Musick of the Horn.

A careless Air in Dress becomes a Man. Colonel _Theseus_[46] carried off Miss _Ariadne_ in a Campaign Wig without a single Curl in it.

In the same Manner did Captain _Hippolytus_ march off with Miss _Phaedra_, though his Shock Head of Hair never had any Powder in it: nay, Lady _Venus_ herself chose young _Jack Adonis_ in a Jockey Coat and Buckskin Breeches.

Cleanliness however is agreeable: Let your Face be burnt with the Sun; but let your Cloaths be well made, and without a Spot on them.

Wash your Mouth, and clean your Teeth often; let your Beard be close shaved, and your Nails short and free from Dirt.

Observe these Doc.u.ments, and leave all other Niceties to the Women, and to Men who desire to supply their Places.

But now _Bacchus_ summons his Poet. He likewise a.s.sists Lovers, and favours the Flame which warms himself.