The Lovers Assistant Part 3

The _Cretan_ Lady having jumped out of Bed in a raving Fit, wandered on the foreign Sh.o.r.e of _Dia_. She had nothing on but a loose wrapping Gown, without Stockings or Cap: and her Hair hung dishevelled over her Shoulders. She complained of the Cruelty of _Theseus_ to the deep Waves, whilst an unworthy Shower of Tears ran down her Cheeks. She wept, and lamented aloud, and both became her; nor did her Tears diminish her Beauty. Once, and again, she beat her delicious b.r.e.a.s.t.s with her Hands, and cried aloud, _The perfidious Man hath abandoned me; What will become of poor _Ariadne_? What will become of poor _Ariadne_?_ On a sudden a vast Mult.i.tude was heard, while many Kinds of strange Instruments, like those of the miserable Masons, accompanied the Voices. The poor Lady sunk with Fear; and suppressed her last Words; nor did the least Blood remain in her Countenance. And now behold the _Baccha.n.a.lian_ Women, with their Hair about their Ears, and the light Satyrs, who are always Forerunners of the G.o.d. Behold old Master _Silenus_[47] as drunk as a Piper, riding on an a.s.s, which he is hardly able either to sit or guide. The old Gentleman, endeavouring to follow the _Baccha.n.a.lians_, who fly from him and towards him, sets Spurs to his a.s.s, which being a vicious Beast, kicked up, and threw him over his Ears: upon which all the Satyrs set up a loud Shout, crying out, _Rise, Father, rise and be d----nd to you_. And now the G.o.d himself, high mounted on his Four-Wheel Chaise, the Top of which was adorned with Grapes, and which he drove himself, flung his Golden Reins over the Backs of his Pair of Tygers. Poor _Ariadne's_ Colour forsook her Cheeks, and _Theseus_ and her Voice at once deserted her Lips. Thrice she attempted to fly, and thrice being retained, she grew stiff with Fear, and stood trembling as Corn waves in the Field, or Reeds on the River Bank, when fanned by the Wind. To whom the G.o.d; _Behold, Madam, a more faithful Lover at your Feet: Fear nothing, Lady fair, you shall be the Wife of _Bacchus_. The Sky shall be your Dowry, where s.h.i.+ning in a bright Constellation, by the Name of _Ariadne's_ Crown, you shall often direct the doubtful Mariner's Pa.s.sage._ He said; and leaping from his Chariot, lest _Ariadne_ should be afraid of the Tygers, the Sand sunk under the Weight of his Feet; and catching her instantly in his Arms, he carried her, who was incapable of scratching, directly off; (for every Thing, we know, is in the Power of a Deity:) And now, whilst Part of his Train sing the _Hymenaeum_, and other cry _Evie Evoe_, two very mysterious Words, and full of Masonry, the G.o.d and his new-ravished Bride go together, between a Pair of sacred Sheets.

Whenever therefore you happen to be in Company with a pretty Girl over a Bottle, pray heartily to _Bacchus_, and invoke his nocturnal Rites, that the Wine may not get into your Head. You may now take an Opportunity to toast some Nymph by a fict.i.tious Name, of whom you may say an hundred amorous Things; all which, with the least a.s.sistance, she will readily apply to herself. Double Entendres likewise may be used. You may moreover draw certain Figures in Wine on the Table; and after having spoken of your Mistress in the third Person, you may take this Method of writing her Name, and convincing her, that she herself is the G.o.ddess.

But let your gloating Eyes inform her of your Pa.s.sion: for an expressive Countenance often finds both Words and Utterance.

When she drinks, receive the Cup from her; and let her see you industrious to find out the Place before pressed by her Lips; and then drink eagerly at the same.

And whatever Part of the Meat she shall touch with her Fingers, do not fail to give the Preference to that: if in catching at it, you touch her Hand into the Bargain, it is the better.

But above all Things, let it be your Endeavour to please her Keeper, if she have any: For to make a Friend of him will be very useful to you both.

When you are at Table, let him be always helped first, and to the most elegant Tid-Bit; and when you drink together, offer him always the Place of Toast-maker; whether he be your Inferiour or your Equal, let him always choose before you, and be not ashamed to trowel him well over with Flattery.

It is a safe and common Way to deceive under Pretence of Friends.h.i.+p; I must own, however safe and common it is, it is not altogether blameless.

This is indeed a Dishonesty not very unlike that of a Major Domo, who under the Colour of Friends.h.i.+p empties your Cellars of your Wine, by pus.h.i.+ng the Bottle further than is necessary.

Now to fix a certain Stint to your Cups, I allow you never to drink till your Head becomes giddy, and your Feet begin to totter.

Beware of Quarrels, which are often occasioned by Wine. Let not your Hands be too ready to strike in your Cups.

Remember the old Story of the Wedding of _Pyrothous_[48] and many more where drunken Fools by being quarrelsome in their Liquor have come short home. A Drinking Bout is in Reality a properer Scene for Joke and Mirth, than for Fighting.

I proceed to other Lessons[49]. If you have a Voice, then sing; if you have handsome Legs, cut Capers, or slide into the Minuet Step. In short, endeavour to please your Mistress, by exerting those Talents in which Nature hath given you to excel.

Now, as real Drunkenness may be hurtful to you, so you may sometimes reap Advantages by pretending yourself in Liquor, by Stammering or Lisping a little slyly: For then if you should descend to some Expressions of the grosser Kind, it will be imputed to your having taken a Cup too much.

Drink b.u.mpers to the Health of your Mistress, and of the Gentleman with whom she is obliged to sleep; but I do not insist on your being extremely sincere on this Occasion: for you may heartily wish him hanged at the same Time, if you please.

When the Company rises to go away, there is always a Confusion in the Room, of which you may take Advantage. You may then creep close up to your Mistress, may perhaps palm her, and gently tread on her Toes.

Whenever you have an Opportunity of speaking to her privately, be not bashful like a Country b.o.o.bily Squire. Remember Fortune and Love both favour the Bold.

I do not intend to lay down any Rules for your Oratory on this Occasion. Do but begin boldly, and you will be Eloquent of course: Set this only before you, that you are to act the Part of a Lover, to talk of Wounds and Darts, and Dying and Despair, and all that, as Mr.

_Bayes_ says: For if you can once make her believe you are in Love, your Business is done. To create therefore this Faith in her, you must employ every Art of which you are Master.

Nor is this indeed so difficult a Task: For every Woman believes herself to be the Object of Love; be she never so ugly, she is still amiable in her own Eye.

Sometimes indeed no Deceit is in the End put on the Woman, for her pretended Lover becomes often a real one, and is the very Creature which he before personated.

And by the Way, young Ladies, let me tell you this is no small Encouragement to you, to countenance such Pretences; for if you manage well, you may often inspire a Man with Love in Earnest, while he is endeavouring to impose a fict.i.tious Pa.s.sion upon you.

But to return to my Scholars. Flatter with all your Might: for the Mind is taken as it were by Stealth, by Flattery, even as the Bank which hangs over a River is undermined by the liquid Waves.

Never be weary therefore of commending her Face, or her Hair; her taper Arm, or her pretty little Foot.

The chastest Matrons are fond of hearing the Praises of their Beauty; and the purest Virgins make the Charms of their Persons at once their Business and their Pleasure.

What else is meant by that ancient Fable of _Juno_ and _Pallas_, whom the _Greek_ Poets represent as yet ashamed of the Conquest obtained by _Venus_.

This Vanity seems to extend itself to Animals, in many of which we may observe some Traces of it.

The peac.o.c.k, if you seem to admire her, spreads forth her Golden Plumes, which she never displays to an indifferent Spectator.

The Race-Horse, while he is running for a Plate, enjoys the Beauties of his well-combed Mane, and gracefully turned Neck.

Secondly, to Flattery, add Promises, and those not timorous nor sneaking ones. If a Girl insists upon a Promise of Marriage, give it her, and bind it by many Oaths[D]; for no Indictment lies for this sort of Perjury.

The Antients vented horrid Impieties on this Occasion, and introduced _Jupiter_ shaking his Sides at the Perjuries of Lovers, and ordering the Winds to puff them away: Nay, he is said to have forsworn himself even by _Styx_ to _Juno_: and therefore, say they, he encourages Men to follow his Example.

[Note D: This is the most exceptionable Pa.s.sage in the whole Work. We have endeavoured to soften it as much as possible; but even as it now stands, we cannot help expressing Detestation of this Sentiment, which appears shocking even in a Heathen Writer.]

But though a Christian must not talk in this Manner, yet I believe it may be one of those Sins which the Church of _Rome_ holds to be venial, or rather venal.

I would here by no Means be suspected of Infidelity or Profaneness. It is necessary there should be a G.o.d; and therefore we must believe there is; nay, we must wors.h.i.+p him: For he doth not possess himself in that indolent State in which the Deities of _Epicurus_ are depictured.

If we live innocent Lives, we may depend on the Care of his Providence.

Restore faithfully whatever is deposited in your Hands: Be just in all your Contracts: Avoid all Kind of Fraud, and be not polluted with Blood. A wise Man will be a Rogue only among the Girls: For in all other Articles a Gentleman will be ashamed of breaking his Word.

And what is this more than deceiving the Deceivers? The s.e.x are for the greatest Part Impostors; let them therefore fall in the Snares which they have spread for others.

Perhaps you have never read the Justice of _Busiris_; when Egypt was burnt up Nine Years together for want of Rain, one _Thrasius_ a Foreigner came to Court, and being introduced to the King by _Clementius Cotterelius_, he acquainted his Majesty, that _Jupiter_ was to be propitiated by the Blood of a Stranger. The King Answered him, _Then thou thyself shalt be the first Victim, and with thy foreign Blood shalt give Rain to Egypt_.

To the same Purpose is the Story of _Phalaris_, who roasted the Limbs of _Perillus_ in his own Bull: Thus making Proof of the Goodness of the Work by the Torments of the unhappy Maker.

Now there was great Justice in both these Examples; for nothing can be more equitable than that the Inventers of Cruelty should perish by their own Art.

To apply this to our present Purpose: As there is no Deceit or Perjury which Women will stick at putting in use against us, let them lament the Consequence of their own Examples.

Thirdly, Tears are of great Service. The Proverb tells you, _Tears will move Adamant_. If you can bring it about therefore, let your Mistress see your Cheeks a little blubbered upon Occasion.

If Tears should refuse to come (as they sometimes will) an Onion in your Handkerchief will be of great use.

Fourthly, Kisses. What Lover of any Sense doth not mix Kisses with his tender Expressions! Perhaps she will not give them easily: No Matter, take them without her Leave.

Perhaps she will scratch, and say you are rude: Notwithstanding her Scratches, she will be pleased with your getting the better.

Do this, however, in so gentle a Manner, that you may not hurt her tender Lips; nor let her complain of being scrubbed with your Beard.

Now when you have proceeded to Kisses, if you proceed no farther, you may well be called unworthy of what you have hitherto obtained. When you was at her Lips, how near was you to your Journey's End! If therefore you stop there, you rather deserve the Name of a bashful 'Squire than of a modest Man.

The Girls may call this perhaps Violence; but it is a Violence agreeable to them: For they are often desirous of being pleased against their Will: For a Woman taken without her Consent, notwithstanding her Frowns, is often well satisfied in her Heart, and your Impudence is taken as a Favour; whilst she who, when inclined to be ravished, hath retreated untouched, however she may affect to smile, is in reality out of Humour.

Ravis.h.i.+ng is indeed out of Fas.h.i.+on in this Age; and therefore I am at a Loss for modern Examples; but antient Story abounds with them.

Miss[50] _Phoebe_ and her Sister were both ravished, and both were well pleased with the Men who ravished them.

Though the Story of _Deidamia_ was formerly in all the _Trojan_ News-Papers, yet my Reader may be pleased to see it better told.