Withered Leaves Volume Ii Part 2

"'That is a ray of the original light, which penetrates the human soul,' said she in her charming manner.

"Yet I recognised that there was some connection between my innermost sensations and the doctrines of that community; but I recognised still more that in this beautiful woman an appreciative companion of my efforts had risen up for me.

"I parted from her with a warm shake of the hand, which she cordially returned. Love and friends.h.i.+p ever found a place in that brotherhood; I was extremely moved. Her presence exercised more of a soothing effect upon me; as soon as I lost sight of her, I was overcome as with an unconquerable longing sensation. Not as formerly did I seek to control it; I vowed firmly to myself to see her again, to seek her wherever she might be.

"On the following Sunday I visited the church of which Frau Salden had spoken to me. The house of G.o.d was festively, almost too secularly decorated; a large town-like congregation was a.s.sembled, such as might be expected in one of the princ.i.p.al parish churches. At the first glance the pious gathering did not seem to differ from such as are to be found in other churches; however, I soon remarked that in the front rows and upon the favoured _prie-dieux_, a more select community, as it appeared, had taken their places. My eyes first sought Frau Salden, and soon found her in the midst of fas.h.i.+onable ladies and gentlemen, whose whole demeanour betrayed that they felt themselves to be peculiarly at home here. The a.s.surance and gracefulness of behaviour, the studiously simple attire of the ladies, the radiance of a transfiguring fervour that overspread their countenances, all showed me that my eyes were resting upon the circle of the elect. Several elderly gentlemen were decorated with the Iron Cross; they were fine men, grave and dignified, and yet enthusiastically devout.

"The minister appeared in the pulpit; a handsome man, with a slight figure and long dark curly hair parted down the middle. His delivery was singularly melodious, somewhat winning, yes, entrancing; I understood what a charm this apostle must exercise upon his devout listeners, especially upon the girls and women.

"On the other hand, his sermon disappointed me completely. I had antic.i.p.ated new, almost excessive disclosures, luminous flashes of a loftier revelation, which, even if more dazzling than enlightening, would quiver through the obscurity of the traditional faith, while what I heard was one of those biblical discourses that are to be found in everyday churches. He spoke of sin and redemption, he urged us to conversion and salvation, but all was based upon the words of the Evangelists and Apostles. Only sometimes it appeared to me that with some turn, as it were, a little side door was opened, through which fell the radiance of a more mystical light, but which was only visible to the elect.

"I now visited my aunt often enough, and I succeeded also in meeting the beautiful widow there two or three times. I did not conceal from her the impression which that much-admired speaker's sermon had made upon me.

"'Wherefore,' said she, 'reveal the deeper meaning of Nature and the Bible to those who, after all, cannot grasp it? For them the transient gleam of light which plays upon the surface is all-sufficient. Besides which, every new and profound doctrine is exposed to misunderstanding, it must cause offence to the crowd.'

"'But so did not that prophet think,' suggested I, 'in whose company I first saw you. He preferred to address his revelations to the people.'

"'It was an error,' replied Frau von Salden. 'He atoned heavily for it; lonely and una.s.sisted he pa.s.sed away. Such working for the people is like wandering through sand; the next gust of wind removes all traces of our footsteps. Everything lofty is a secret; only sympathetic minds can raise the veil.'

"I asked how one may draw nearer to the secret, and my beautiful friend advised me to visit the minister, and tell him that I was animated with the desire of entering the narrow circle of his faithful. She encouraged me to do so most eagerly, and I felt as if her words contained something that seemed like true interest in the welfare of my soul.

"I knew I should often have opportunities of meeting her; yet, even although my whole soul yearned to do so, although I found myself beneath the power of her beautiful eyes, and dedicated to her that superabundant adoration which is always united to a first love, yet it was not this alone that decided me to follow her advice, but still more that dark longing which, from childhood upwards, had been animated within me, to find a new solution for the enigma of the world, which it was so difficult to fathom, and to find the key for many an internal occurrence that had seemed to me like a revelation of the Divine.

"The preacher received me with great friendliness, and did not hesitate to grant my wish. His conversation fell easily upon much that was scientific and worldly; to many questions about the state of enthusiasm under which I laboured, he was able to give adroit information. It certainly touched what I felt, but did not satisfy me. Then he a.s.sumed a still more friendly mien, and began to initiate me into the secrets of the community, so far as this was practicable for a novice.

"I learned that the sect consisted of various circles, all, indeed, around the same centre, but in greater or lesser proximity, and that it did not tend to the benefit of those more remote to know everything that was revealed to those who stood nearest. Still, the preacher informed me that several women and girls occupied the highest position amongst those who were enlightened, and belonged to the favoured natures of light, beneath whose protection he himself stood.

"Certainly all this did not sound very satisfactory, but mysterious and exciting enough. A far off goal was set to all efforts; truths displayed themselves in semi-veiled outlines, which must later be revealed fully and clearly to the seeker, even if now they admitted manifold interpretations.

"In short, with a good heart, I put out to sea beneath the flag of the mysterious creed. The minister dismissed me with a kiss and shake of the hand.

"I hastened to my aunt; there Frau Salden was awaiting me; she knew the time and hour of my appointment with the minister. Much delighted, she heard my news; her features became animated, her eye was radiant.

"When my aunt was called away by some domestic concern, Frau Salden rose, came towards me with a grave, inspired countenance, greeted me as a member of the congregation, as her brother, and pressed a kiss upon my lips.

"It was the holy kiss of a sister, the seraphic kiss, the consecration of the bond of saints! Did not male and female cousins and indifferent relatives kiss one another according to the right of cousins.h.i.+p; how much higher stood the right of spiritual relations.h.i.+p! Certainly, for many such a kiss would only be a pious symbol, for many, a form of but little significance. It was different with me, different with this woman! Until now, I had remained a stranger to all intercourse of affection and love; how unapproachable all womankind had appeared to me!

"This kiss was the first kiss of initiation; but not the secret of the community did it reveal to me, the secret of life itself. It metamorphosed me inwardly; every feeling of estrangement it swept away from me; woman no longer stood before me as a far-removed saint; she appeared to be desirable, to promise felicity.

"And could it be otherwise?

"How long in worldly circles must hesitating affection wait ere love presses the seal of the first kiss upon it in token of acquiescence?

But this woman had already first occupied my inmost emotions before I approached her under the eyes of the saints; now she came towards me with open arms, with the pious greeting of love, for which, with worldly affection, I might long have striven. Must not this intoxicate me, and kindle an unknown ardour within my soul?

"Certainly Frau Salden did not share it; she only cherished sisterly feelings for me, yes, I might almost say maternal; distantly and coldly, she commenced an extensive examination of my inner nature.

"The bright smile had vanished from her lips; even the gaze of her large eyes was proud and stern. An incomprehensible contradiction, and a something almost solemnly strange, lay in such close intimacy. I stood her examination with calmness and without reserve, for pride stirred itself within me, and I would not recognise the superiority that she a.s.sumed. Nevertheless, I drew an immediate advantage from my position towards the select community, and begged for permission to visit her, which she readily granted.

"She lived in the east suburb, in a couple of cosy rooms, elegantly furnished. The one seemed to be dedicated to pious reflections. A large book-shelf contained the works of our poets and thinkers, at the same time a large number of religious writings. The walls were covered with representations of Christ, as well as with pictures of the prophet and the preacher, which hung on a level, as it seemed, accurately measured line with His.

"On a lectern lay a magnificently bound Bible with a golden cross upon the cover; above it on the wall hung a copy of Correggio's Magdalene.

The windows opened towards the river and the green meadows, which there enframed its bed; farther off, two solitary windmills moved their wings in wearisome regularity.

"The front room was of a more worldly character; in the one corner stood a small doll's room, and other girlish playthings, but the little bird had always flown from its nest at the hour when I usually came; it was the time when with her governess, she went down to the next story to her favourite playfellow. Beside it upon a writing table lay account books, which I immediately recognised as such; a later communication from Frau Salden confirmed my idea that they were the accounts of the management of her estate; she possessed a small property, which she only occupied during a short period in the summer, as a lengthy separation from the community would have been too great a trial for her.

"All this still stands so vividly before my mind, that I could paint those two rooms down to the veriest trifle, ebony table and chair, every picture on the wall; for who would ever forget the stage on which such important events were acted, and just now I feel an urgent need to bury myself in these recollections, and ah! that little doll's room to-day fills me with mournful emotion, yes with silent despair.

"I now frequently visited Frau Salden; we talked much of worldly and spiritual affairs; she was alternately merry and unembarra.s.sed, or grave, solemn and reserved. Then again, from time to time, it was as though she were not speaking in her own name, but on the part of the community; it was in order to induct me ever deeper into the secrets of the new doctrine; this I perceived soon enough, and it was particularly attractive, to me it was indeed a new religion, which only appeared before the world in biblical guise.

"Zoroaster could, just as well as Christ, stand G.o.dfather to the doctrine of the two primordial beings, fire and water, the element of darkness, its opposite and its union by means of Lucifer, the scintillant serpent-spirit, and thus through all life extended the contradiction of the two-headed principle. Did not the minister himself, in the circle of the elect, p.r.o.nounce that the old law had outlived itself, and proclaim the approach of the Millennium.

"Yet in me also lively doubts were kindled as to how he could control those fundamental powers of everything living. The revelation of light which had been proclaimed to me, was not lost; I interpreted it in my own way, and brought it into unison with the delights of Nature which had often enraptured me; but the beautiful woman had greater power over me than the priestess; in her eyes I forgot the Millennium, and all its apostles in her seraph's kisses. The pious and solemn greeting at meeting and parting, burned for me like earthly fire, and I could not conceal from myself that an unholy pa.s.sion had taken possession of me; unholy because it was a misuse of holy forms, because it broke distractingly into all circles of my thoughts and feelings.

"One day, Pauline, for I knew her Christian name already, and might use it with a brother's right, announced to me that she could not decide whether I belonged to the natures of light or of darkness; it was the minister's wish that I should visit the Grfin at the Castle, and make a full confession of my sins to her.

"It was the period when in France a Saint Simon's and Pre Enfantin's doctrine of the priesthood of woman found extensive propagation, and in large a.s.semblies of the Paris street _Taitbout_ was taught by inspired women. I could not avoid thinking of that intelligence in the newspapers, when I was invited by the Grfin to the Castle. There was repeated in pious garb the same performance, but only in doctrine, not in deed. Here the priestly office was already exercised by an aristocratic woman, and that woman boasted of lofty revelation, and could even spread her angel's wings protectingly over the minister of the community.

"Not without hesitation I entered the inner castle yard; the gloomy old masonry of the large quadrangle overlooked by lofty towers did not act soothingly upon my temperament; I felt like those unfortunate men to whom once in those gloomy apartments, which were still known as those of criminal justice, the sword of the German knights was placed at their throats, so that they should confess Christ, or else incur the penalty of death. It was a horrible trial of faith, and I felt as if I were one of those unhappy followers of Perkunos.

"Certainly the drawing-rooms into which I was conducted, did not bear the remotest resemblance to those dread vaults. The view from that high stronghold of Ottokar extended far over the town, which with its church towers and high gabled houses, and at the same time windowless warehouse quarters, surrounded and traversed with glistening branches of the river, lay as if cowering at its feet. There was something soothing and alleviating to the mind in that free prospect; with my heart throbbing less violently, I awaited the entrance of the woman who was considered to be the superior nature of light in the elect circle.

"And she entered, smiling gently and kindly, her appearance delicate and distinguished; I almost felt as though an ambrosial light was floating around her, and when she also greeted me with the sisterly kiss, I felt as if receiving consecration from above, it was as though one of those bodyless angel's heads, which, as Raphael painted them, possess wings only, had kissed me.

"At first it was the mild, confiding sister who spoke to me; she introduced sundry worldly affairs into the conversation, and I was obliged to give her accurate information about our genealogical tree and the estates of our family, and just the same of my previous life.

"Nevertheless, I soon perceived that I no longer talked to my fellow-believer on terms of equality; with polite and dexterous transition she had changed the conversation into an examination. The examination in the first place concerned my external life, but should soon direct itself towards my internal one.

"A change, for which I could not entirely account, had taken place in the Grfin, but of which, however, I soon experienced the secret power.

All friendliness and mildness had suddenly disappeared from her features, they had a.s.sumed an almost gloomy air of decision; something majestic and commanding lay in her whole demeanour. She rose and stood before me, drawn up to her full height; the woman had been transformed into the priestess. With a sign, she bade me remain seated, and solemnly explained that the Archdeacon had given to her the right of consecrating and sanctifying men and women, after he had imparted supreme consecration to herself. It was her duty to examine hearts, to root out sin, to speak truths sharply and unsparingly; because love in man becomes zealous with a divine zeal. And she, indeed, appeared to be impregnated with that zeal; a deep glow suffused her features, she stood before me in proud, strange beauty. I was fain to think of the angel with the flaming sword.

"She required unreserved confession and acknowledgment of my sins.

"I hesitated. What should I confess? So new was this introspection still to me that I had occupied myself but little with discovering what, according to the measure of these saints, would be accounted sin.

"She became more urgent; she demanded confession by the rights of her office. It was false shame wis.h.i.+ng to conceal anything. The heavenly pa.s.sion purified fallen man from sin. No secular laws were concerned in this case; not the sham and falseness of society, only truth--the open truth. Nor need the confession seek for veiled expressions; the sharper the words, the sharper the self-condemnation.

"I still hesitated. She began to ask if I--I who came from the world without, beginning at home--had banished all earthly affection from my intercourse with the women of the community.

"She enquired so solemnly, I could almost believe that I heard the scales of justice rattle. I was already beneath her spell; I had no perception of what was strange, astounding in the whole proceeding; the oppressive sensation of internal consciousness of guilt overcame me, and I acknowledged that my heart drew me towards Frau Salden, and that in the midst of pious conversations the thought of her beauty, of her charms, entangled me.

"I drew a breath of relief after this confession; I believed that I had now done my duty as a penitent. Yet I was mistaken; now only did the implacable judge commence an examination that penetrated to the inmost detail; she entered upon a domain which no child of the world would have trodden with equal freedom; my whole soul lay as if upon a dissecting-table before this wonderful woman. Emotions, wishes, which softly, obscurely, and of which I was even only vaguely conscious, concealed themselves in the recesses of my heart, must be brought to light; my inner nature became transparent to her as well as to me; and when I had conquered the first shyness, such a confession was even welcome. I found it tranquilising to have a witness of my internal struggle. An inexplicable charm, which was not only of a spiritual nature, lay in such undisguised confession, which despised all social custom, but was justified by higher ordinance.

"The Grfin praised me for my candour, and when I had made known to her that otherwise I was still free from all sin, and that my heart, in the midst of Nature, still often rejoiced in marvellous revelations, she called me a child of light, who might, perhaps, be destined to attain a high position in the circle of the elect.

"I had promised reformation of the one sin to which I could confess, a sin of thought, and indeed I was in earnest about it. Since my visit to the Grfin, a gloomy consciousness of guilt had taken possession of me, which I loved to ponder over in solitude. Woman had formerly been a divinity for me, she seemed so again, since I had seen the Grfin in the exercise of her priestly mission, and the feelings of vain worldly pleasure to which I had yielded when with my pious young friend, I counted to myself as a sin.

"I became an industrious attendant not only at church, but also at the smaller meetings in which the minister expounded his doctrines; I eagerly studied the Revelation of St. John. The Lion and the Lamb, the Breaker of the Seal, as a second minister of the sect was designated, the Angel of the Apocalypse; all these were pictures which became more and more vivid to my imagination, yet in the princ.i.p.al doctrine of the approach of the Millennium I buried myself with a fervour which was not free from doubts, yet was it not the prediction of a new world, and such dreams lived long within me. The entrancing words of the minister, the enthusiasm and proud beauty of the female children of light at his side, the spiritual toiling and struggling in a world withdrawn from everyday life, full of singular mysteries, had made me into a zealous disciple of the secret community. I was looked upon with respect by the minister, the Witnesses, and the Breaker of the Seal. My visits to Frau Salden became very rare; I also avoided her at the meetings; my shy manner towards her had been remarked by her. Had the Grfin not stood so high upon the ladder of the saints, Frau Salden would have charged her with being the cause of my transformation. At heart she certainly did not spare the Grfin this accusation, as since my visit to the castle I had become distant towards herself. Sternly and for some time I struggled successfully against my affection for the beautiful woman, until a new and unexpected turn took place in my life."