The Complete Plays of Gilbert and Sullivan Part 108

THES. But look here, you know--virtue only triumphs at night from seven to ten--vice gets the best of it during the other twenty one hours. Won't that satisfy you? [Stupidas endeavours to pacify him.]

PREP. [Irritated to Stupidas] Ye are odious to my sight. Get out of it.

STUP. [In great terror] What have I done?

THES. Now what is it. Preposteros, what is it?

PREP. I a -- hate him and would have his life.

THES. [to Stup.] That's it--he hates you and would have your life. Now go and be merry.

STUP. Yes, but why does he hate me?

THES. Oh--exactly. [to Prep.] Why do you hate him?

PREP. Because he is a minion.

THES. He hates you because you are a minion. It explains itself.

Now go and enjoy yourselves. Ha. Ha. It is well for those who can laugh--let them do so--there is no extra charge. The light- hearted cup and the convivial jest for them--but for me--what is there for me?

SILLI. There is some claret-cup and lobster salad [handing some]

THES. [taking it] Thank you. [Resuming] What is there for me but anxiety--ceaseless gnawing anxiety that tears at my very vitals and rends my peace of mind asunder? There is nothing whatever for me but anxiety of the nature I have just described. The charge of these thoughtless revellers is my unhappy lot. It is not a small charge, and it is rightly termed a lot because there are many. Oh why did the G.o.ds make me a manager?

SILL. [as guessing a riddle] Why did the G.o.ds make him a manager?

SPAR. Why did the G.o.ds make him a manager.

DAPH. Why did the G.o.ds make him a manager?

PRETT. Why did the G.o.ds make him a manager?

THES. No--no--what are you talking about? What do you mean?

DAPH. I've got it--no don't tell us.

ALL. No--no--because--because

THES. [annoyed] It isn't a conundrum. It's misanthropical question.

DAPH. [Who is sitting with Spar. to the annoyance of Nice. who is crying alone] I'm sure I don't know. We do not want you. Don't distress yourself on our account--we are getting on very comfortably--aren't we Sparkeion.

SPAR. We are so happy that we don't miss the lobster or the claret. What are lobster and claret compared with the society of those we love? [embracing Daphne.]

DAPH. Why, Nicemis, love, you are eating nothing. Aren't you happy dear?

NICE. [spitefully] You are quite welcome to my share of everything. I intend to console myself with the society of my manager. [takes Thespis' arm affectionately].

THES. Here I say--this won't do, you know--I can't allow it--at least before my company--besides, you are half-married to Sparkeion. Sparkeion, here's your half-wife impairing my influence before my company. Don't you know the story of the gentleman who undermined his influence by a.s.sociating with his inferiors?

ALL. Yes, yes--we know it.

PREP. [formally] I do not know it. It's ever thus. Doomed to disappointment from my earliest years. [Stup. endeavours to console him]

THES. There--that's enough. Preposteros--you shall hear it.

I once knew a chap who discharged a function On the North South East West Diddles.e.x Junction.

He was conspicuous exceeding, For his affable ways, and his easy breeding.

Although a chairman of directions, He was hand in glove with the ticket inspectors.

He tipped the guards with brand new fivers, And sang little songs to the engine drivers.

'Twas told to me with great compunction, By one who had discharged with unction A chairman of directors function On the North South East West Diddles.e.x Junction.

Fol diddle, lol diddle, lol lol lay.

Each Christmas day he gave each stoker A silver shovel and a golden poker.

He'd b.u.t.ton holw flowers for the ticket sorters And rich Bath-buns for the outside porters.

He'd moun the clerks on his first-cla.s.s hunters, And he build little villas for the road-side shunters, And if any were fond of pigeon shooting, He'd ask them down to his place at Tooting.

Twas told to me....etc.

In course of time there spread a rumour That he did all this from a sense of humour.

So instead of signalling and stoking, They gave themselves up to a course of joking.

Whenever they knew that he was riding, They shunted his train on a lonely siding, Or stopped all night in the middle of a tunnel, On the plea that the boiler was a-coming through the funnel.

Twas told to me...etc.

It he wished to go to Perth or Stirling, His train through several counties whirling, Would set him down in a fit of larking, At four a.m. in the wilds of Barking.

This pleased his whim and seemed to strike it, But the general public did not like it.

The receipts fell, after a few repeatings, And he got it hot at the annual meetings.

Twas told to me...etc.

He followed out his whim with vigour, The shares went down to a nominal figure.

These are the sad results proceeding From his affable ways and his easy breeding.

The line, with its rais and guards and peelers, Was sold for a song to marine store dealers The shareholders are all in the work'us, And he sells pipe-lights in the Regent Circus.

Twas told to me...etc.

It's very hard. As a man I am naturally of an easy disposition.

As a manager, I am compelled to hold myself aloof, that my influence may not be deteriorated. As a man I am inclined to fraternize with the pauper--as a manager I am compelled to walk around like this: Don't know yah. Don't know yah. Don't know yah.

[Strides haughtily about the stage. Jupiter, Mars, and Apollo, in full Olympian costume appear on the three broken columns.

Thespians scream.]

JUP, MARS, AP. Presumptuous mortal.

THES. Don't know ya. Don't know yah.

JUP, MARS, AP. [seated on broken pillars] Presumptuous mortal.

THES. I do not know you. I do not know you.

JUP, MARS, AP. Presumptuous mortal.