The Complete Plays of Gilbert and Sullivan Part 146

POINT [changing his manner] Ha! friend jailer! Jailer that wast-- jailer that never shalt be more! Jailer that jailed not, or that jailed, if jail he did, so unjailery that 'twas but jerry-jailing, or jailing in joke-- though no joke to him who, by unjailerlike jailing, did so jeopardise his jailers.h.i.+p. Come, take heart, smile, laugh, wink, twinkle, thou tormentor that tormentest none-- thou racker that rackest not-- thou pincher out of place-- come, take heart, and be merry, as I am!-- [aside, dolefully]-- as I am!

WILFRED Aye, it's well for thee to laugh. Thou hast a good post, and hast cause to be merry.

POINT [bitterly] Cause? Have we not all cause? Is not the world a big b.u.t.t of humour, into which all who will may drive a gimlet? See, I am a salaried wit; and is there aught in nature more ridiculous? A poor, dull, heart-broken man, who must needs be merry, or he will be whipped; who must rejoice, lest he starve; who must jest you, jibe you, quip you, crank you, wrack you, riddle you, from hour to hour, from day to day, from year to year, lest he dwindle, perish, starve, pine,and die! Why, when there's naught else to laugh at, I laugh at myself till I ache for it!

WILFRED Yet I have often thought that a jester's calling would suit me to a hair.

POINT Thee? Would suit thee, thou death's head and cross- bones?

WILFRED Aye, I have a pretty wit-- a light, airy, joysome wit, spiced with anecdotes of prison cells and the torture chamber. Oh, a very delicate wit! I have tried it on many a prisoner, and there have been some who smiled.

Now it is not easy to make a prisoner smile. And it should not be difficult to be a good jester, seeing that thou are one.

POINT Difficult? Nothing easier. Nothing easier. Attend, and I will prove it to thee!

No. 14. Oh! a private buffoon is a light-hearted loon (SONG) Point

POINT Oh! a private buffoon is a light-hearted loon, If you listen to popular rumour; From morning to night he's so joyous and bright, And he bubbles with wit and good humour!

He's so quaint and so terse, Both in prose and in verse; Yet though people forgive his transgression, There are one or two rules that all family fools Must observe, if they love their profession.

There are one or two rules, Half-a-dozen, maybe, That all family fools, Of whatever degree, Must observe if they love their profession.

If you wish to succeed as a jester, you'll need To consider each person's auricular: What is all right for B would quite scandalize C (For C is so very particular); And D may be dull, and E's very thick skull Is as empty of brains as a ladle; While F is F sharp, and will cry with a carp, That he's known your best joke from his cradle!

When your humour they flout, You can't let yourself go; And it does put you out When a person says, "Oh!

I have known that old joke from my cradle!"

If your master is surly, from getting up early (And tempers are short in the morning), An inopportune joke is enough to provoke Him to give you, at once, a month's warning.

Then if you refrain, he is at you again, For he likes to get value for money: He'll ask then and there, with an insolent stare, "If you know that you're paid to be funny?"

It adds to the tasks Of a merryman's place, When your princ.i.p.al asks, With a scowl on his face, If you know that you're paid to be funny?

Comes a Bishop, maybe, or a solemn D.D.-- Oh, beware of his anger provoking!

Better not pull his hair-- Don't stick pins in his chair; He won't understand practical joking.

If the jests that you crack have an orthodox smack, You may get a bland smile from these sages; But should it, by chance, be imported from France, Half-a-crown is stopped out of your wages!

It's a general rule, Tho' your zeal it may quench, If the Family Fool Makes a joke that's too French, Half-a-crown is stopped out of his wages!

Though your head it may rack with a bilious attack, And your senses with toothache you're losing, And you're mopy and flat-- they don't fine you for that If you're properly quaint and amusing!

Though your wife ran away with a soldier that day, And took with her your trifle of money; Bless your heart, they don't mind-- they're exceedingly kind-- They don't blame you--as long as you're funny!

It's a comfort to feel If your partner should flit, Though you suffer a deal, They don't mind it a bit-- They don't blame you--so long as you're funny!

POINT And so thou wouldst be a jester eh?

WILFRED Aye!

POINT Now, listen! My sweetheart, Elsie Maynard, was secretly wed to this Fairfax half an hour ere he escaped.

WILFRED She did well.

POINT She did nothing of the kind, so hold thy peace and perpend. Now, while he liveth she is dead to me and I to her, and so, my jibes and jokes notwithstanding, I am the saddest and the sorriest dog in England!

WILFRED Thou art a very dull dog indeed.

POINT Now, if thou wilt swear that thou didst shoot this Fairfax while he was trying to swim across the river-- it needs but the discharge of an arquebus on a dark night-- and that he sank and was seen no more, I'll make thee the very Archbishop of jesters, and that in two days'time! Now, what sayest thou?

WILFRED I am to lie?

POINT Heartily. But thy lie must be a lie of circ.u.mstance, which I will support with the testimony of eyes, ears,and tongue.

WILFRED And thou wilt qualify me as a jester?

POINT As a jester among jesters. I will teach thee all my original songs, my self-constructed riddles, my own ingenious paradoxes; nay, more, I will reveal to thee the source whence I get them. Now, what sayest thou?

WILFRED Why, if it be but a lie thou wantest of me, I hold it cheap enough, and I say yes, it is a bargain!

No. 15. Hereupon we're both agreed (DUET) Point and Wilfred

BOTH Hereupon we're both agreed, All that we two Do agree to We'll secure by solemn deed, To prevent all Error mental.

POINT You on Elsie are to call With a story Grim and gory;

WILFRED How this Fairfax died, and all I declare to You're to swear to.

POINT I to swear to!

WILFRED I declare to,

POINT I to swear to!

WILFRED I declare to,

BOTH I to swear to,/I declare to, You declare to,/You're to swear to, I to swear to,/I declare to.

BOTH Tell a tale of c.o.c.k and bull, Of convincing detail full Tale tremendous, Heav'n defend us!

What a tale of c.o.c.k and bull!

In return for your/my own part You are/I am making, undertaking To instruct me/you in the art (Art amazing, wonder raising)

POINT Of a jester, jesting free.

Proud position-- High ambition!

WILFRED And a lively one I'll be, Wag-a-wagging, Never flagging!

POINT Wag-a-wagging,

WILFRED Never flagging,

POINT Wag-a-wagging,

WILFRED Never flagging,

BOTH Never flagging,/Wag-a-wagging, Wag-a-wagging,/Never flagging, Never flagging,/Wag-a-wagging!