The Complete Plays of Gilbert and Sullivan Part 150

[Exit LIEUTENANT

ALL Yes, yes, We'll set to work with what dispatch we may!

[Men raise WILFRED, and carry him off on their shoulders.

ALL Hail the valiant fellow who Did this deed of derring-do!

Honours wait on such an one; By my head, 'twas bravely done, 'twas bravely done!

Now, by my head, 'twas bravely done!

[Exeunt all but ELSIE, POINT, FAIRFAX, and PHOEBE.

POINT [to ELSIE, who is weeping] Nay, sweetheart, be comforted. This Fairfax was but a pestilent fellow, and, as he had to die, he might as well die thus as any other way. 'Twas a good death.

ELSIE Still, he was my husband, and had he not been, he was nevertheless a living man, and now he is dead; and so, by your leave, my tears may flow unchidden, Master Point.

FAIRFAX And thou didst see all this?

POINT Aye, with both eyes at once-- this and that. The testimony of one eye is naught-- he may lie. But when it is corroborated by the other, it is good evidence that none may gainsay. Here are both present in court, ready to swear to him!

PHOEBE But art thou sure it was Colonel Fairfax? Saw you his face?

POINT Aye, and a plaguey ill-favoured face too. A very hang- dog face-- a felon face-- a face to fright the headsman himself, and make him strike awry. Oh, a plaguey, bad face, take my word for it. [PHOEBE and FAIRFAX laugh]

How they laugh! "Tis ever thus with simple folk-- an accepted wit has but to say "Pa.s.s the mustard," and they roar their ribs out!

FAIRFAX [aside] If ever I come to life again, thou shalt pay for this, Master Point!

POINT Now, Elsie, thou art free to choose again, so behold me: I am young and well-favoured. I have a pretty wit.

I can jest you, jibe you, quip you, crank you, wrack you, riddle you--

FAIRFAX Tush, man, thou knowest not how to woo. 'Tis not to be done with time-worn jests and thread-bare sophistries; with quips, conundrums, rhymes, and paradoxes. 'Tis an art in itself, and must be studied gravely and conscientiously.

No. 19. A man who would woo a fair maid (TRIO) Elsie, Phoebe, and Fairfax

FAIRFAX A man who would woo a fair maid, Should 'prentice himself to the trade; And study all day, In methodical way, How to flatter, cajole, and persuade.

He should 'prentice himself at fourteen, And practise from morning to e'en; And when he's of age, If he will, I'll engage, He may capture the heart of a queen, the heart of a queen!

ALL It is purely a matter of skill, Which all may attain if they will.

But every Jack He must study the knack If he wants to make sure of his Jill!

If he wants to make sure of his Jill!

ELSIE If he's made the best use of his time, His twig he'll so carefully lime That every bird Will come down at his word, Whatever its plumage and clime.

He must learn that the thrill of a touch May mean little, or nothing, or much; It's an instrument rare, To be handled with care, And ought to be treated as such, Ought to be treated as such.

ALL It is purely a matter of skill, Which all may attain if they will: But every Jack, He must study the knack If he wants to make sure of his Jill!

If he wants to make sure of his Jill!

PHOEBE Then a glance may be timid or free; It will vary in mighty degree, From an impudent stare To a look of despair That no maid without pity can see!

And a glance of despair is no guide-- It may have its ridiculous side; It may draw you a tear Or a box on the ear; You can never be sure till you've tried!

Never be sure till you've tried!

ALL It is purely a matter of skill, Which all may attain if they will: But every Jack, He must study the knack If he wants to make sure of his Jill, If he wants to make sure of his Jill!

But every Jack, He must study the knack, But every Jack, Must study the knack If he wants to make sure of his Jill!

Yes, every Jack, Must study the knack If he wants to make sure of his Jill!

FAIRFAX [aside to POINT] Now, listen to me-- 'tis done thus-- [aloud] Mistress Elsie, there is one here who, as thou knowest, loves thee right well!

POINT [aside] That he does-- right well!

FAIRFAX He is but a man of poor estate, but he hath a loving, honest heart. He will be a true and trusty husband to thee, and if thou wilt be his wife, thou shalt lie curled up in his heart, like a little squirrel in its nest!

POINT [aside] 'Tis a pretty figure. A maggot in a nut lies closer, but a squirrel will do.

FAIRFAX He knoweth that thou wast a wife-- an unloved and unloving wife, and his poor heart was near to breaking. But now that thine unloving husband is dead, and thou art free, he would fain pray that thou wouldst hearken unto him, and give him hope that thou wouldst one day be his!

PHOEBE [alarmed] He presses her hands-- and whispers in her ear! Ods bodikins, what does it mean?

FAIRFAX Now, sweetheart, tell me-- wilt thou be this poor goodfellow's wife?

ELSIE If the good, brave man-- is he a brave man?

FAIRFAX So men say.

POINT [aside] That's not true, but let it pa.s.s.

ELSIE If the brave man will be content with a poor, penniless, untaught maid--

POINT [aside] Widow-- but let that pa.s.s.

ELSIE I will be his true and loving wife, and that with my heart of hearts!

FAIRFAX My own dear love! [Embracing her]

PHOEBE [in great agitation] Why, what's all this? Brother-- brother-- it is not seemly!

POINT [also alarmed, aside] Oh, I can't let that pa.s.s!

[Aloud] Hold, enough, Master Leonard! An advocate should have his fee, but methinks thou art over-paying thyself!

FAIRFAX Nay, that is for Elsie to say. I promised thee I would show thee how to woo, and herein lies the proof of the virtue of my teaching. Go thou, and apply it elsewhere! [PHOEBE bursts into tears]

No. 20. When a wooer goes a-wooing (QUARTET) Elsie, Phoebe, Fairfax, and Point

ELSIE When a wooer Goes a-wooing, Naught is truer Than his joy.

FAIRFAX Maiden hus.h.i.+ng All his suing-- Boldly blus.h.i.+ng, bravely coy!

Bravely coy! Boldly blus.h.i.+ng--

ELSIE Boldly blus.h.i.+ng, bravely coy!