The Complete Plays of Gilbert and Sullivan Part 151

ALL Oh, the happy days of doing!

Oh, the sighing and the suing!

When a wooer goes a-wooing, Oh the sweets that never cloy!

PHOEBE [weeping] When a brother leaves his sister For another, sister weeps, Tears that trickle, Tears that blister-- 'Tis but mickle Sister reaps!

ALL Oh, the doing and undoing, Oh, the sighing and the suing, When a brother goes a-wooing, And a sobbing sister weeps!

POINT When a jester Is outwitted, Feelings fester, Heart is lead!

Food for fishes Only fitted, Jester wishes He was dead!

Food for fishes Only fitted, Jester wishes He was dead!

ALL Oh, the doing and undoing, Oh, the sighing and the suing, When a jester goes a-wooing, And he wishes he was dead!

Oh, the doing and undoing, Oh, the sighing and the suing, When a jester goes a-wooing, And he wishes he was dead, And he wishes he was dead!

[Exeunt all but PHOEBE, who remains weeping.

PHOEBE And I helped that man to escape, and I've kept his secret, and pretended that I was his dearly loving sister, and done everything I could think of to make folk believe I was his loving sister, and this is his grat.i.tude! Before I pretend to be sister to anybody again, I'll turn nun, and be sister to everybody-- one as much as another!

[Enter WILFRED

WILFRED In tears, eh? What a plague art thou grizzling for now?

PHOEBE Why am I grizzling? Thou hast often wept for jealousy-- well, 'tis for jealousy I weep now. Aye, yellow, bilious, jaundiced jealousy. So make the most of that, Master Wilfred.

WILFRED But I have never given thee cause for jealousy. The Lieutenant's cook-maid and I are but the merest gossips!

PHOEBE Jealous of thee! Bah! I'm jealous of no craven c.o.c.k- on-a-hill, who crows about what he'd do an he dared!

I am jealous of another and a better man than thou-- set that down, Master Wilfred. And he is to marry Elsie Maynard, the pale little fool-- set that down Master Wilfred-- and my heart is wellnigh broken!

There, thou hast it all! Make the most of it!

WILFRED The man thou lovest is to marry Elsie Maynard? Why, that is no other than thy brother, Leonard Meryll!

PHOEBE [aside] Oh, mercy! what have I said?

WILFRED Why, what matter of brother is this, thou lying little jade? Speak! Who is this man whom thou hast called brother, and fondled, and coddled, and kissed!-- with my connivance, too! Oh Lord! with my connivance! Ha!

should it be this Fairfax! [PHOEBE starts] It is! It is this accursed Fairfax! It's Fairfax! Fairfax, who--

PHOEBE Whom thou hast just shot through the head, and who lies at the bottom of the river!

WILFRED A-- I-- I may have been mistaken. We are but fallible mortals, the best of us. But I'll make sure-- I'll make sure. [Going]

PHOEBE Stay-- one word. I think it cannot be Fairfax-- mind, I say I think-- because thou hast just slain Fairfax. But whether he be Fairfax or no Fairfax, he is to marry Elsie-- and-- and-- as thou hast shot him through the head, and he is dead, be content with that, and I will be thy wife!

WILFRED Is that sure?

PHOEBE Aye, sure enough, for there's no help for it! Thou art a very brute-- but even brutes must marry, I suppose.

WILFRED My beloved. [Embraces her]

PHOEBE [aside] Ugh!

[Enter LEONARD MERYLL, hastily

LEONARD Phoebe, rejoice, for I bring glad tidings. Colonel Fairfax's reprieve was signed two days since, but it was foully and maliciously kept back by Secretary Poltwhistle, who designed that it should arrive after the Colonel's death. It hath just come to hand, and it is now in the Lieutenant's possession!

PHOEBE Then the Colonel is free? Oh, kiss me, kiss me, my dear! Kiss me, again, and again!

WILFRED [dancing with fury] Ods bobs, death o' my life! Art thou mad? Am I mad? Are we all mad?

PHOEBE Oh, my dear-- my dear, I'm well nigh crazed with joy!

[Kissing LEONARD]

WILFRED Come away from him, thou hussy-- thou jade-- thou kissing, clinging c.o.c.katrice! And as for thee, sir, devil take thee, I'll rip thee like a herring for this! I'll skin thee for it! I'll cleave thee to the chine! I'll-- oh! Phoebe! Phoebe! Who is this man?

PHOEBE Peace, fool. He is my brother!

WILFRED Another brother! Are there any more of them? Produce them all at once, and let me know the worst!

PHOEBE This is the real Leonard, dolt; the other was but his subst.i.tute. The real Leonard, I say-- my father's own son.

WILFRED How do I know this? Has he "brother" writ large on his brow? I mistrust thy brothers! Thou art but a false jade!

[Exit LEONARD.

PHOEBE Now, Wilfred, be just. Truly I did deceive thee before-- but it was to save a precious life-- and to save it, not for me, but for another. They are to be wed this very day. Is not this enough for thee? Come-- I am thy Phoebe-- thy very own-- and we will be wed in a year-- or two-- or three, at the most. Is not that enough for thee?

[Enter SERGEANT MERYLL, excitedly, followed by DAME CARRUTHERS, who listens, un.o.bserved.

MERYLL Phoebe, hast thou heard the brave news?

PHOEBE [still in WILFRED's arms] Aye, father.

MERYLL I'm nigh mad with joy! [Seeing WILFRED] Why, what's all this?

PHOEBE Oh, father, he discovered our secret thorough my folly, and the price of his silence is--

WILFRED Phoebe's heart.

PHOEBE Oh, dear, no-- Phoebe's hand.

WILFRED It's the same thing!

PHOEBE Is it?

[Exeunt WILFRED and PHOEBE.

MERYLL [looking after them] "Tis pity, but the Colonel had to be saved at any cost, and as thy folly revealed our secret, thy folly must e'en suffer for it!