The Complete Plays of Gilbert and Sullivan Part 168

[to SAPHIR] Oh, Saphir, are they not quite too all -- but?

SAPHIR They are indeed jolly utter!

MAJOR [in agony] I wonder what the Inner Brotherhood usually recommend for cramp?

COLONEL Ladies, we will not deceive you. We are doing this at some personal inconvenience with a view of expressing the extremity of our devotion to you. We trust that it is not without its effect.

ANGELA We will not deny that we are much moved by this proof of your attachment.

SAPHIR Yes, your conversion to the principles of Aesthetic Art in its highest development has touched us deeply.

ANGELA And if Mr. Bunthorne should remain obdurate--

SAPHIR Which we have every reason to believe he will--

MAJOR [aside, in agony] I wish they'd make haste! [The others hush him.]

ANGELA We are not prepared to say that our yearning hearts will not go out to you.

COLONEL [as giving a word of command] By sections of threes -- Rapture! [All strike a fresh att.i.tude, expressive of aesthetic rapture.]

SAPHIR Oh, it's extremely good -- for beginners it's admirable.

MAJOR The only question is, who will take who?

COLONEL Oh, the Duke chooses first, as a matter of course.

DUKE Oh, I couldn't thank of it -- you are really too good!

COLONEL Nothing of the kind. You are a great matrimonial fish, and it's only fair that each of these ladies should have a chance of hooking you. It's perfectly simple. Observe, suppose you choose Angela, I take Saphir, Major takes n.o.body. [with increasing speed] Suppose you choose Saphir, Major tales Angela, I take n.o.body. Suppose you choose neither, I take Angela, Major takes Saphir. Clear as day!

[The officers, with obvious relief, abandon their aesthetic att.i.tudes, and, with the Ladies, dance into position. L. to R. 1st verse: Colonel with Angela; Duke with Saphir; Major alone. 2nd verse: Colonel alone; Angela with Duke; Saphir with Major. 3rd verse: Colonel with Saphir; Duke alone; Angela with Major.]

No. 17. If Saphir I choose to marry Quintet Duke, Colonel, Major, Angela, and Saphir

DUKE If Saphir I choose to marry, I shall be fixed up for life; Then the Colonel need not tarry, Angela can be his wife.

MAJOR In that case unprecedented, Single I shall live and die-- I shall have to be contented With their heartfelt sympathy!

ALL He will have to be contented With our/their heartfelt sympathy!

In that case unprecedented, Single he/I will/shall live and die-- He/I will/shall have to be contented With our/their heartfelt sympathy!

He/I will/shall have to be contented With our/their heartfelt sympathy!

He/I will/shall have to be contented With our/their heartfelt sympathy!

DUKE If on Angy I determine, At my wedding she'll appear, Decked in diamond and ermine.

Major then can take Saphir!

COLONEL In that case unprecedented, Single I shall live and die-- I shall have to be contented With their heartfelt sympathy!

ALL He/I will/shall have to be contented With our/their heartfelt sympathy!

In that case unprecedented, Single he/I will/shall live and die-- He/I will/shall have to be contented With our/their heartfelt sympathy!

He/I will/shall have to be contented With our/their heartfelt sympathy!

He/I will/shall have to be contented With our/their heartfelt sympathy!

[Positions at beginning of Verse 3: L. to R., COLONEL, ANGELA, DUKE, SAPHIR, MAJOR]

DUKE After some debate internal, If on neither I decide, Saphir then can take the Colonel,

[Hands her to the COLONEL.]

Angy be the Major's bride!

[Hands her to the MAJOR.]

In that case unprecedented, Single I shall live and die-- I shall have to be contented With their heartfelt sympathy!

ALL He will have to be contented With our/their heartfelt sympathy!

In that case unprecedented, Single he/I will/shall live and die-- He/I will/shall have to be contented With our/their heartfelt sympathy!

He/I will/shall have to be contented With our/their heartfelt sympathy!

He/I will/shall have to be contented With our/their heartfelt sympathy!

[They dance off, arm-in-arm, up-stage and off, L.U.E., the COLONEL leading with SAPHIR.]

[Enter GROSVENOR, R.U.E.]

GROS. It is very pleasant to be alone. It is pleasant to be able to gaze at leisure upon those features which all others may gaze upon at their good will! [Looking at his reflection in hand-mirror.] Ah, I am a very Narcissus!

[Enter BUNTHORNE, L. moodily.]

BUN. It's no use; I can't live without admiration. Since Grosvenor came here, insipidity has been at a premium. Ah, he is there!

GROS. Ah, Bunthorne! Come here -- look! Very graceful, isn't it!

BUN. [taking hand-mirror] Allow me; I haven't seen it. Yes, it is graceful.

GROS. [taking back the mirror) Oh, good gracious! not that -- this--

BUN. You don't mean that! Bah! I am in no mood for trifling.

GROS. And what is amiss?

BUN. Ever since you came here, you have entirely monopolized the attentions of the young ladies. I don't like it, sir!

GROS. My dear sir, how can I help it? They are the plague of my life. My dear Mr. Bunthorne, with your personal disadvantages, you can have no idea of the inconvenience of being madly loved, at first sight, by every woman you meet.

BUN. Sir, until you came here I was adored!

GROS. Exactly -- until I came here. That's my grievance. I cut everybody out! I a.s.sure you, if you could only suggest some means whereby, consistently with my duty to society, I could escape these inconvenient attentions, you would earn my everlasting grat.i.tude.