The Complete Plays of Gilbert and Sullivan Part 48

CHORUS. Defer, defer, To the Lord High Executioner, etc.

KO. Gentlemen, I'm much touched by this reception. I can only trust that by strict attention to duty I shall ensure a continuance of those favours which it will ever be my study to deserve. If I should ever be called upon to act professionally, I am happy to think that there will be no difficulty in finding plenty of people whose loss will be a distinct gain to society at large.

SONG--KO-KO with CHORUS OF MEN.

As some day it may happen that a victim must be found, I've got a little list--I've got a little list Of society offenders who might well be underground, And who never would be missed--who never would be missed!

There's the pestilential nuisances who write for autographs-- All people who have flabby hands and irritating laughs-- All children who are up in dates, and floor you with 'em flat-- All persons who in shaking hands, shake hands with you like that-- And all third persons who on spoiling tte--ttes insist-- They'd none of 'em be missed--they'd none of 'em be missed!

CHORUS. He's got 'em on the list--he's got 'em on the list; And they'll none of 'em be missed--they'll none of 'em be missed.

There's the banjo serenader, and the others of his race, And the piano-organist--I've got him on the list!

And the people who eat peppermint and puff it in your face, They never would be missed--they never would be missed!

Then the idiot who praises, with enthusiastic tone, All centuries but this, and every country but his own; And the lady from the provinces, who dresses like a guy, And who "doesn't think she waltzes, but would rather like to try"; And that singular anomaly, the lady novelist-- I don't think she'd be missed--I'm sure she'd not he missed!

CHORUS. He's got her on the list--he's got her on the list; And I don't think she'll be missed--I'm sure she'll not be missed!

And that Nisi Prius nuisance, who just now is rather rife, The Judicial humorist--I've got him on the list!

All funny fellows, comic men, and clowns of private life-- They'd none of 'em be missed--they'd none of 'em be missed.

And apologetic statesmen of a compromising kind, Such as--What d'ye call him--Thing'em-bob, and likewise--Never-mind, And 'St--'st--'st--and What's-his-name, and also You-know-who-- The task of filling up the blanks I'd rather leave to you.

But it really doesn't matter whom you put upon the list, For they'd none of 'em be missed--they'd none of 'em be missed!

CHORUS. You may put 'em on the list--you may put 'em on the list; And they'll none of 'em be missed--they'll none of 'em be missed!

Enter Pooh-Bah.

KO. Pooh-Bah, it seems that the festivities in connection with my approaching marriage must last a week. I should like to do it handsomely, and I want to consult you as to the amount I ought to spend upon them.

POOH. Certainly. In which of my capacities? As First Lord of the Treasury, Lord Chamberlain, Attorney General, Chancellor of the Exchequer, Privy Purse, or Private Secretary?

KO. Suppose we say as Private Secretary.

POOH. Speaking as your Private Secretary, I should say that, as the city will have to pay for it, don't stint yourself, do it well.

KO. Exactly--as the city will have to pay for it. That is your advice.

POOH. As Private Secretary. Of course you will understand that, as Chancellor of the Exchequer, I am bound to see that due economy is observed.

KO. Oh! But you said just now "Don't stint yourself, do it well".

POOH. As Private Secretary.

KO. And now you say that due economy must be observed.

POOH. As Chancellor of the Exchequer.

KO. I see. Come over here, where the Chancellor can't hear us. (They cross the stage.) Now, as my Solicitor, how do you advise me to deal with this difficulty?

POOH. Oh, as your Solicitor, I should have no hesitation in saying "Chance it----"

KO. Thank you. (Shaking his hand.) I will.

POOH. If it were not that, as Lord Chief Justice, I am bound to see that the law isn't violated.

KO. I see. Come over here where the Chief Justice can't hear us. (They cross the stage.) Now, then, as First Lord of the Treasury?

POOH. Of course, as First Lord of the Treasury, I could propose a special vote that would cover all expenses, if it were not that, as Leader of the Opposition, it would be my duty to resist it, tooth and nail. Or, as Paymaster General, I could so cook the accounts that, as Lord High Auditor, I should never discover the fraud. But then, as Archbishop of t.i.tipu, it would be my duty to denounce my dishonesty and give myself into my own custody as first Commissioner of Police.

KO. That's extremely awkward.

POOH. I don't say that all these distinguished people couldn't be squared; but it is right to tell you that they wouldn't be sufficiently degraded in their own estimation unless they were insulted with a very considerable bribe.

KO. The matter shall have my careful consideration. But my bride and her sisters approach, and any little compliment on your part, such as an abject grovel in a characteristic j.a.panese att.i.tude, would be esteemed a favour.

POOH. No money, no grovel!

[Exeunt together.

Enter procession of Yum-Yum's schoolfellows, heralding Yum-Yum, Peep-Bo, and Pitti-Sing.

CHORUS OF GIRLS.

Comes a train of little ladies From scholastic trammels free, Each a little bit afraid is, Wondering what the world can be!

Is it but a world of trouble-- Sadness set to song?

Is its beauty but a bubble Bound to break ere long?

Are its palaces and pleasures Fantasies that fade?

And the glory of its treasures Shadow of a shade?

Schoolgirls we, eighteen and under, From scholastic trammels free, And we wonder--how we wonder!-- What on earth the world can be!

TRIO.

YUM-YUM, PEEP-BO, and PITTI-SING, with CHORUS OF GIRLS.

THE THREE. Three little maids from school are we, Pert as a school-girl well can be, Filled to the brim with girlish glee, Three little maids from school!

YUM-YUM. Everything is a source of fun. (Chuckle.) PEEP-BO. n.o.body's safe, for we care for none! (Chuckle.) PITTI-SING. Life is a joke that's just begun! (Chuckle.) THE THREE. Three little maids from school!

ALL (dancing). Three little maids who, all unwary, Come from a ladies' seminary, Freed from its genius tutelary-- THE THREE (suddenly demure). Three little maids from school!

YUM-YUM. One little maid is a bride, Yum-Yum-- PEEP-BO. Two little maids in attendance come-- PITTI-SING. Three little maids is the total sum.

THE THREE. Three little maids from school!

YUM-YUM. From three little maids take one away.

PEEP-BO. Two little maids remain, and they-- PITTI-SING. Won't have to wait very long, they say-- THE THREE. Three little maids from school!

ALL (dancing). Three little maids who, all unwary, Come from a ladies' seminary, Freed from its genius tutelary-- THE THREE (suddenly demure). Three little maids from school!

Enter Ko-Ko and Pooh-Bah.

KO. At last, my bride that is to be! (About to embrace her.) YUM. You're not going to kiss me before all these people?

KO. Well, that was the idea.

YUM (aside to Peep-Bo). It seems odd, doesn't it?

PEEP. It's rather peculiar.

PITTI. Oh, I expect it's all right. Must have a beginning, you know.

YUM. Well, of course I know nothing about these things; but I've no objection if it's usual.

KO. Oh, it's quite usual, I think. Eh, Lord Chamberlain?

(Appealing to Pooh-Bah.) POOH. I have known it done. (Ko-Ko embraces her.) YUM. Thank goodness that's over! (Sees Nanki-Poo, and rushes to him.) Why, that's never you? (The three Girls rush to him and shake his hands, all speaking at once.) YUM. Oh, I'm so glad! I haven't seen you for ever so long, and I'm right at the top of the school, and I've got three prizes, and I've come home for good, and I'm not going back any more!

PEEP. And have you got an engagement?--Yum-Yum's got one, but she doesn't like it, and she'd ever so much rather it was you! I've come home for good, and I'm not going back any more!

PITTI. Now tell us all the news, because you go about everywhere, and we've been at school, but, thank goodness, that's all over now, and we've come home for good, and we're not going back any more!

(These three speeches are spoken together in one breath.)

KO. I beg your pardon. Will you present me?

YUM. Oh, this is the musician who used-- PEEP. Oh, this is the gentleman-who used-- PITTI. Oh, it is only Nanki-Poo who used-- KO. One at a time, if you please.

YUM. Oh, if you please he's the gentleman who used to play so beautifully on the--on the-- PITTI. On the Marine Parade.

YUM. Yes, I think that was the name of the instrument.

NANK. Sir, I have the misfortune to love your ward, Yum-Yum--oh, I know I deserve your anger!

KO. Anger! not a bit, my boy. Why, I love her myself.

Charming little girl, isn't she? Pretty eyes, nice hair. Taking little thing, altogether. Very glad to hear my opinion backed by a competent authority. Thank you very much. Good-bye. (To Pish-Tush.) Take him away. (Pish-Tush removes him.) PITTI (who has been examining Pooh-Bah). I beg your pardon, but what is this? Customer come to try on?

KO. That is a Tremendous Swell.

PITTI. Oh, it's alive. (She starts back in alarm.) POOH. Go away, little girls. Can't talk to little girls like you. Go away, there's dears.