The Complete Plays of Gilbert and Sullivan Part 49

KO. Allow me to present you, Pooh-Bah. These are my three wards. The one in the middle is my bride elect.

POOH. What do you want me to do to them? Mind, I will not kiss them.

KO. No, no, you shan't kiss them; a little bow--a mere nothing--you needn't mean it, you know.

POOH. It goes against the grain. They are not young ladies, they are young persons.

KO. Come, come, make an effort, there's a good n.o.bleman.

POOH. (aside to Ko-Ko). Well, I shan't mean it. (with a great effort.) How de do, little girls, how de do? (Aside.) Oh, my protoplasmal ancestor!

KO. That's very good. (Girls indulge in suppressed laughter.) POOH. I see nothing to laugh at. It is very painful to me to have to say "How de do, little girls, how de do?" to young persons. I'm not in the habit of saying "How de do, little girls, how de do?" to anybody under the rank of a Stockbroker.

KO. (aside to girls). Don't laugh at him, he can't help it--he's under treatment for it. (Aside to Pooh-Bah.) Never mind them, they don't understand the delicacy of your position.

POOH. We know how delicate it is, don't we?

KO. I should think we did! How a n.o.bleman of your importance can do it at all is a thing I never can, never shall understand.

[Ko-Ko retires and goes off.

QUARTET AND CHORUS OF GIRLS.

YUM-YUM, PEEP-BO, PITTI-SING, and POOH-BAH.

YUM, PEEP. So please you, Sir, we much regret and PITTI. If we have failed in etiquette Towards a man of rank so high-- We shall know better by and by.

YUM. But youth, of course, must have its fling, So pardon us, So pardon us, PITTI. And don't, in girlhood's happy spring, Be hard on us, Be hard on us, If we're inclined to dance and sing.

Tra la la, etc. (Dancing.) CHORUS OF GIRLS. But youth, of course, etc.

POOH. I think you ought to recollect You cannot show too much respect Towards the highly t.i.tled few; But n.o.body does, and why should you?

That youth at us should have its fling, Is hard on us, Is hard on us; To our prerogative we cling-- So pardon us, So pardon us, If we decline to dance and sing.

Tra la la, etc. (Dancing.) CHORUS OF GIRLS.. But youth, of course, must have its fling, etc.

[Exeunt all but Yum-Yum.

Enter Nanki-Poo.

NANK. Yum-Yum, at last we are alone! I have sought you night and day for three weeks, in the belief that your guardian was beheaded, and I find that you are about to be married to him this afternoon!

YUM. Alas, yes!

NANK. But you do not love him?

YUM. Alas, no!

NANK. Modified rapture! But why do you not refuse him?

YUM. What good would that do? He's my guardian, and he wouldn't let me marry you!

NANK. But I would wait until you were of age!

YUM. You forget that in j.a.pan girls do not arrive at years of discretion until they are fifty.

NANK. True; from seventeen to forty-nine are considered years of indiscretion.

YUM. Besides--a wandering minstrel, who plays a wind instrument outside tea-houses, is hardly a fitting husband for the ward of a Lord High Executioner.

NANK. But---- (Aside.) Shall I tell her? Yes! She will not betray me! (Aloud.) What if it should prove that, after all, I am no musician?

YUM. There! I was certain of it, directly I heard you play!

NANK. What if it should prove that I am no other than the son of his Majesty the Mikado?

YUM. The son of the Mikado! But why is your Highness disguised? And what has your Highness done? And will your Highness promise never to do it again?

NANK. Some years ago I had the misfortune to captivate Katisha, an elderly lady of my father's Court. She misconstrued my customary affability into expressions of affection, and claimed me in marriage, under my father's law. My father, the Lucius Junius Brutus of his race, ordered me to marry her within a week, or perish ignominiously on the scaffold. That night I fled his Court, and, a.s.suming the disguise of a Second Trombone, I joined the band in which you found me when I had the happiness of seeing you! (Approaching her.) YUM. (retreating). If you please, I think your Highness had better not come too near. The laws against flirting are excessively severe.

NANK. But we are quite alone, and n.o.body can see us.

YUM. Still, that don't make it right. To flirt is capital.

NANK. It is capital!

YUM. And we must obey the law.

NANK. Deuce take the law!

YUM. I wish it would, but it won't!

NANK. If it were not for that, how happy we might be!

YUM. Happy indeed!

NANK. If it were not for the law, we should now be sitting side by side, like that. (Sits by her.) YUM. Instead of being obliged to sit half a mile off, like that. (Crosses and sits at other side of stage.) NANK. We should be gazing into each other's eyes, like that. (Gazing at her sentimentally.) YUM. Breathing sighs of unutterable love--like that.

(Sighing and gazing lovingly at him.) NANK. With our arms round each other's waists, like that.

(Embracing her.) YUM. Yes, if it wasn't for the law.

NANK. If it wasn't for the law.

YUM. As it is, of course we couldn't do anything of the kind.

NANK. Not for worlds!

YUM. Being engaged to Ko-Ko, you know!

NANK. Being engaged to Ko-Ko!

DUET--YUM-YUM and NANKI-POO.

NANK. Were you not to Ko-Ko plighted, I would say in tender tone, "Loved one, let us be united-- Let us be each other's own!"

I would merge all rank and station, Worldly sneers are nought to us, And, to mark my admiration, I would kiss you fondly thus-- (Kisses her.) BOTH. I/He would kiss you/me fondly thus-- (Kiss.) YUM. But as I'm engaged to Ko-Ko, To embrace you thus, con fuoco, Would distinctly be no giuoco, And for yam I should get toko--

BOTH. Toko, toko, toko, toko!

NANK. So, In spite of all temptation, Such a theme I'll not discuss, And on no consideration Will I kiss you fondly thus-- (Kissing her.) Let me make it clear to you, This is what I'll never do!

This, oh, this, oh, this, oh, this,--(Kissing her.)

TOGETHER. This, oh, this, etc.

[Exeunt in opposite directions.

Enter Ko-Ko.

KO. (looking after Yum-Yum). There she goes! To think how entirely my future happiness is wrapped up in that little parcel!

Really, it hardly seems worth while! Oh, matrimony!-- (Enter Pooh-Bah and Pish-Tush.) Now then, what is it? Can't you see I'm soliloquizing? You have interrupted an apostrophe, sir!

PISH. I am the bearer of a letter from his Majesty the Mikado.

KO. (taking it from him reverentially). A letter from the Mikado! What in the world can he have to say to me? (Reads letter.) Ah, here it is at last! I thought it would come sooner or later! The Mikado is struck by the fact that no executions have taken place in t.i.tipu for a year, and decrees that unless somebody is beheaded within one month the post of Lord High Executioner shall be abolished, and the city reduced to the rank of a village!

PISH. But that will involve us all in irretrievable ruin!

KO. Yes. There is no help for it, I shall have to execute somebody at once. The only question is, who shall it be?

POOH. Well, it seems unkind to say so, but as you're already under sentence of death for flirting, everything seems to point to you.

KO. To me? What are you talking about? I can't execute myself.

POOH. Why not?

KO. Why not? Because, in the first place, self decapitation is an extremely difficult, not to say dangerous, thing to attempt; and, in the second, it's suicide, and suicide is a capital offence.

POOH. That is so, no doubt.

PISH. We might reserve that point.

POOH. True, it could be argued six months hence, before the full Court.

KO. Besides, I don't see how a man can cut off his own head.

POOH. A man might try.

PISH. Even if you only succeeded in cutting it half off, that would be something.

POOH. It would be taken as an earnest of your desire to comply with the Imperial will.

KO. No. Pardon me, but there I am adamant. As official Headsman, my reputation is at stake, and I can't consent to embark on a professional operation unless I see my way to a successful result.

POOH. This professional conscientiousness is highly creditable to you, but it places us in a very awkward position.

KO. My good sir, the awkwardness of your position is grace itself compared with that of a man engaged in the act of cutting off his own head.

PISH. I am afraid that, unless you can obtain a subst.i.tute ---- KO. A subst.i.tute? Oh, certainly--nothing easier. (To Pooh-Bah.) Pooh-Bah, I appoint you Lord High Subst.i.tute.

POOH. I should be delighted. Such an appointment would realize my fondest dreams. But no, at any sacrifice, I must set bounds to my insatiable ambition!

TRIO