The Complete Plays of Gilbert and Sullivan Part 53

YUM. Come, come, bear up. After all, it's only for a month.

KO. No. It's no use deluding oneself with false hopes.

NANK. and YUM. What do you mean?

KO. (to Yum-Yum). My child--my poor child! (Aside.) How shall I break it to her? (Aloud.) My little bride that was to have been?

YUM. (delighted). Was to have been?

KO. Yes, you never can be mine!

NANK. and YUM. (simultaneously, in ecstacy) What!/I'm so glad!

KO. I've just ascertained that, by the Mikado's law, when a married man is beheaded his wife is buried alive.

NANK. and YUM. Buried alive!

KO. Buried alive. It's a most unpleasant death.

NANK. But whom did you get that from?

KO. Oh, from Pooh-Bah. He's my Solicitor.

YUM. But he may be mistaken!

KO. So I thought; so I consulted the Attorney General, the Lord Chief Justice, the Master of the Rolls, the Judge Ordinary, and the Lord Chancellor. They're all of the same opinion. Never knew such unanimity on a point of law in my life!

NANK. But stop a bit! This law has never been put in force.

KO. Not yet. You see, flirting is the only crime punishable with decapitation, and married men never flirt.

NANK. Of course, they don't. I quite forgot that! Well, I suppose I may take it that my dream of happiness is at an end!

YUM. Darling--I don't want to appear selfish, and I love you with all my heart--I don't suppose I shall ever love anybody else half as much--but when I agreed to marry you--my own--I had no idea--pet--that I should have to be buried alive in a month!

NANK. Nor I! It's the very first I've heard of it!

YUM. It--it makes a difference, doesn't it?

NANK. It does make a difference, of course.

YUM. You see--burial alive--it's such a stuffy death!

NANK. I call it a beast of a death.

YUM. You see my difficulty, don't you?

NANK. Yes, and I see my own. If I insist on your carrying out your promise, I doom you to a hideous death; if I release you, you marry Ko-Ko at once!

TRIO.--YUM-YUM, NANKI-POO, and KO-KO.

YUM. Here's a how-de-do!

If I marry you, When your time has come to perish, Then the maiden whom you cherish Must be slaughtered, too!

Here's a how-de-do!

NANK. Here's a pretty mess!

In a month, or less, I must die without a wedding!

Let the bitter tears I'm shedding Witness my distress, Here's a pretty mess!

KO. Here's a state of things To her life she clings!

Matrimonial devotion Doesn't seem to suit her notion-- Burial it brings!

Here's a state of things!

ENSEMBLE

YUM-YUM and NANKI-POO. KO-KO.

With a pa.s.sion that's intense With a pa.s.sion that's intense I wors.h.i.+p and adore, You wors.h.i.+p and adore, But the laws of common sense But the laws of common sense We oughtn't to ignore. You oughtn't to ignore.

If what he says is true, If what I say is true, 'Tis death to marry you! 'Tis death to marry you!

Here's a pretty state of things! Here's a pretty state of things!

Here's a pretty how-de-do! Here's a pretty how-de-do!

[Exit Yum-Yum.

KO. (going up to Nanki-Poo). My poor boy, I'm really very sorry for you.

NANK. Thanks, old fellow. I'm sure you are.

KO. You see I'm quite helpless.

NANK. I quite see that.

KO. I can't conceive anything more distressing than to have one's marriage broken off at the last moment. But you shan't be disappointed of a wedding--you shall come to mine.

NANK. It's awfully kind of you, but that's impossible.

KO. Why so?

NANK. To-day I die.

KO. What do you mean?

NANK. I can't live without Yum-Yum. This afternoon I perform the Happy Despatch.

KO. No, no--pardon me--I can't allow that.

NANK. Why not?

KO. Why, hang it all, you're under contract to die by the hand of the Public Executioner in a month's time! If you kill yourself, what's to become of me? Why, I shall have to be executed in your place!

NANK. It would certainly seem so!

Enter Pooh-Bah.

KO. Now then, Lord Mayor, what is it?

POOH. The Mikado and his suite are approaching the city, and will be here in ten minutes.

KO. The Mikado! He's coming to see whether his orders have been carried out! (To Nanki-Poo.) Now look here, you know--this is getting serious--a bargain's a bargain, and you really mustn't frustrate the ends of justice by committing suicide. As a man of honour and a gentleman, you are bound to die ignominiously by the hands of the Public Executioner.

NANK. Very well, then--behead me.

KO. What, now?

NANK. Certainly; at once.

POOH. Chop it off! Chop it off!

KO. My good sir, I don't go about prepared to execute gentlemen at a moment's notice. Why, I never even killed a blue-bottle!

POOH. Still, as Lord High Executioner---- KO. My good sir, as Lord High Executioner, I've got to behead him in a month. I'm not ready yet. I don't know how it's done. I'm going to take lessons. I mean to begin with a guinea pig, and work my way through the animal kingdom till I come to a Second Trombone. Why, you don't suppose that, as a humane man, I'd have accepted the post of Lord High Executioner if I hadn't thought the duties were purely nominal? I can't kill you--I can't kill anything! I can't kill anybody! (Weeps.) NANK. Come, my poor fellow, we all have unpleasant duties to discharge at times; after all, what is it? If I don't mind, why should you? Remember, sooner or later it must be done.

KO. (springing up suddenly). Must it? I'm not so sure about that!

NANK. What do you mean?

KO. Why should I kill you when making an affidavit that you've been executed will do just as well? Here are plenty of witnesses--the Lord Chief Justice, Lord High Admiral, Commander-in-Chief, Secretary of State for the Home Department, First Lord of the Treasury, and Chief Commissioner of Police.

NANK. But where are they?

KO. There they are. They'll all swear to it--won't you?

(To Pooh-Bah.) POOH. Am I to understand that all of us high Officers of State are required to perjure ourselves to ensure your safety?

KO. Why not! You'll be grossly insulted, as usual.

POOH. Will the insult be cash down, or at a date?

KO. It will be a ready-money transaction.

POOH. (Aside.) Well, it will be a useful discipline.

(Aloud.) Very good. Choose your fiction, and I'll endorse it!

(Aside.) Ha! ha! Family Pride, how do you like that, my buck?

NANK. But I tell you that life without Yum-Yum---- KO. Oh, Yum-Yum, Yum-Yum! Bother Yum-Yum! Here, Commissionaire (to Pooh-Bah), go and fetch Yum-Yum. (Exit Pooh-Bah.) Take Yum-Yum and marry Yum-Yum, only go away and never come back again. (Enter Pooh-Bah with Yum-Yum.) Here she is.

Yum-Yum, are you particularly busy?

YUM. Not particularly.

KO. You've five minutes to spare?

YUM. Yes.

KO. Then go along with his Grace the Archbishop of t.i.tipu; he'll marry you at once.

YUM. But if I'm to be buried alive?

KO. Now, don't ask any questions, but do as I tell you, and Nanki-Poo will explain all.

NANK. But one moment---- KO. Not for worlds. Here comes the Mikado, no doubt to ascertain whether I've obeyed his decree, and if he finds you alive I shall have the greatest difficulty in persuading him that I've beheaded you. (Exeunt Nanki-Poo and Yum-Yum, followed by Pooh-Bah.) Close thing that, for here he comes!

[Exit Ko-Ko.