The Complete Plays of Gilbert and Sullivan Part 55

And it's oh, I vow, This deathly bow Was a touching sight to see; Though trunkless, yet It couldn't forget The deference due to me!

CHORUS.

This haughty youth, He speaks the truth Whenever he finds it pays: And in this case It all took place Exactly as he says!

[Exeunt Chorus.

MIK. All this is very interesting, and I should like to have seen it. But we came about a totally different matter. A year ago my son, the heir to the throne of j.a.pan, bolted from our Imperial Court.

KO. Indeed! Had he any reason to be dissatisfied with his position?

KAT. None whatever. On the contrary, I was going to marry him--yet he fled!

POOH. I am surprised that he should have fled from one so lovely!

KAT. That's not true.

POOH. No!

KAT. You hold that I am not beautiful because my face is plain. But you know nothing; you are still unenlightened.

Learn, then, that it is not in the face alone that beauty is to be sought. My face is unattractive!

POOH. It is.

KAT. But I have a left shoulder-blade that is a miracle of loveliness. People come miles to see it. My right elbow has a fascination that few can resist.

POOH. Allow me!

KAT. It is on view Tuesdays and Fridays, on presentation of visiting card. As for my circulation, it is the largest in the world.

KO. And yet he fled!

MIK. And is now masquerading in this town, disguised as a Second Trombone.

KO., POOH., and PITTI. A Second Trombone!

MIK. Yes; would it be troubling you too much if I asked you to produce him? He goes by the name of---- KAT. Nanki-Poo.

MIK. Nanki-Poo.

KO. It's quite easy. That is, it's rather difficult. In point of fact, he's gone abroad!

MIK. Gone abroad! His address.

KO. Knightsbridge!

KAT. (who is reading certificate of death). Ha!

MIK. What's the matter?

KAT. See here--his name--Nanki-Poo--beheaded this morning.

Oh, where shall I find another? Where shall I find another?

[Ko-Ko, Pooh-Bah, and Pitti-Sing fall on their knees.

MIK. (looking at paper). Dear, dear, dear! this is very tiresome. (To Ko-Ko.) My poor fellow, in your anxiety to carry out my wishes you have beheaded the heir to the throne of j.a.pan!

KO. I beg to offer an unqualified apology.

POOH. I desire to a.s.sociate myself with that expression of regret.

PITTI. We really hadn't the least notion-- MIK. Of course you hadn't. How could you? Come, come, my good fellow, don't distress yourself--it was no fault of yours.

If a man of exalted rank chooses to disguise himself as a Second Trombone, he must take the consequences. It really distresses me to see you take on so. I've no doubt he thoroughly deserved all he got. (They rise.) KO. We are infinitely obliged to your Majesty---- PITTI. Much obliged, your Majesty.

POOH. Very much obliged, your Majesty.

MIK. Obliged? not a bit. Don't mention it. How could you tell?

POOH. No, of course we couldn't tell who the gentleman really was.

PITTI. It wasn't written on his forehead, you know.

KO. It might have been on his pocket-handkerchief, but j.a.panese don't use pocket-handkerchiefs! Ha! ha! ha!

MIK. Ha! ha! ha! (To Katisha.) I forget the punishment for compa.s.sing the death of the Heir Apparent.

KO., POOH, and PITTI. Punishment. (They drop down on their knees again.) MIK. Yes. Something lingering, with boiling oil in it, I fancy. Something of that sort. I think boiling oil occurs in it, but I'm not sure. I know it's something humorous, but lingering, with either boiling oil or melted lead. Come, come, don't fret--I'm not a bit angry.

KO. (in abject terror). If your Majesty will accept our a.s.surance, we had no idea---- MIK. Of course---- PITTI. I knew nothing about it.

POOH. I wasn't there.

MIK. That's the pathetic part of it. Unfortunately, the fool of an Act says "compa.s.sing the death of the Heir Apparent."

There's not a word about a mistake---- KO., PITTI., and POOH. No!

MIK. Or not knowing---- KO. No!

MIK. Or having no notion---- PITTI. No!

MIK. Or not being there---- POOH. No!

MIK. There should be, of course--- KO., PITTI., and POOH. Yes!

MIK. But there isn't.

KO., PITTI., and POOH. Oh!

MIK. That's the slovenly way in which these Acts are always drawn. However, cheer up, it'll be all right. I'll have it altered next session. Now, let's see about your execution--will after luncheon suit you? Can you wait till then?

KO., PITTI., and POOH. Oh, yes--we can wait till then!

MIK. Then we'll make it after luncheon.

POOH. I don't want any lunch.

MIK. I'm really very sorry for you all, but it's an unjust world, and virtue is triumphant only in theatrical performances.

GLEE.

PITTI-SING, KATISHA, KO-KO, POOH-BAH, and MIKADO,

MIK. See how the Fates their gifts allot, For A is happy--B is not.

Yet B is worthy, I dare say, Of more prosperity than A!

KO., POOH., and PITTI. Is B more worthy?

KAT. I should say He's worth a great deal more than A.

ENSEMBLE: Yet A is happy!

Oh, so happy!

Laughing, Ha! ha!

Chaffing, Ha! ha!

Nectar quaffing, Ha! ha! ha!

Ever joyous, ever gay, Happy, undeserving A!

KO., POOH., and PITTI. If I were Fortune--which I'm not-- B should enjoy A's happy lot, And A should die in miserie-- That is, a.s.suming I am B.

MIK. and KAT. But should A perish?

KO., POOH., and PITTI. That should be (Of course, a.s.suming I am B).

B should be happy!

Oh, so happy!

Laughing, Ha! ha!

Chaffing, Ha! ha!

Nectar quaffing, Ha! ha! ha!

But condemned to die is he, Wretched meritorious B!

[Exeunt Mikado and Katisha.

KO. Well, a nice mess you've got us into, with your nodding head and the deference due to a man of pedigree!

POOH. Merely corroborative detail, intended to give artistic verisimilitude to an otherwise bald and unconvincing narrative.

PITTI. Corroborative detail indeed! Corroborative fiddlestick!

KO. And you're just as bad as he is with your c.o.c.k-- and-a-bull stories about catching his eye and his whistling an air. But that's so like you! You must put in your oar!

POOH. But how about your big right arm?

PITTI. Yes, and your snickersnee!

KO. Well, well, never mind that now. There's only one thing to be done. Nanki-Poo hasn't started yet--he must come to life again at once. (Enter Nanki-Poo and Yum-Yum prepared for journey.) Here he comes. Here, Nanki-Poo, I've good news for you--you're reprieved.

NANK. Oh, but it's too late. I'm a dead man, and I'm off for my honeymoon.

KO. Nonsense! A terrible thing has just happened. It seems you're the son of the Mikado.

NANK. Yes, but that happened some time ago.

KO. Is this a time for airy persiflage? Your father is here, and with Katisha!

NANK. My father! And with Katisha!