The Complete Plays of Gilbert and Sullivan Part 8

VIT. It's imprudent, we know, But without your society Existence was slow, And we wanted variety--

BOTH. Existence was slow, and we wanted variety.

ALL. So here we are, at the risk of our lives, From ever so far, and we've brought your wives-- And to that end we've crossed the main, And don't intend to return again!

(Enter Gianetta and Tessa. They rush to the arms of Marco and Giuseppe.)

GIU. Tessa!

TESS. Giuseppe! {All embrace.} GIA. Marco!

MAR. Gianetta!

TESSA and GIANETTA.

TESS. After sailing to this island-- GIA. Tossing in a manner frightful, TESS. We are all once more on dry land-- GIA. And we find the change delightful, TESS. As at home we've been remaining-- We've not seen you both for ages, GIA. Tell me, are you fond of reigning?-- How's the food, and what's the wages?

TESS. Does your new employment please ye?-- GIA. How does Royalizing strike you?

TESS. Is it difficult or easy?-- GIA. Do you think your subjects like you?

TESS. I am anxious to elicit, Is it plain and easy steering?

GIA. Take it altogether, is it Better fun than gondoliering?

BOTH. We shall both go on requesting Till you tell us, never doubt it; Everything is interesting, Tell us, tell us all about it!

CHORUS. They will both go on requesting, etc.

TESS. Is the populace exacting?

GIA. Do they keep you at a distance?

TESS. All unaided are you acting, GIA. Or do they provide a.s.sistance?

TESS. When you're busy, have you got to Get up early in the morning?

GIA. If you do what you ought not to, Do they give the usual warning?

TESS. With a horse do they equip you?

GIA. Lots of trumpeting and drumming?

TESS. Do the Royal tradesmen tip you?

GIA. Ain't the livery becoming!

TESS. Does your human being inner Feed on everything that nice is?

GIA. Do they give you wine for dinner; Peaches, sugar-plums, and ices?

BOTH. We shall both go on requesting Till you tell us, never doubt it; Everything is interesting, Tell us, tell us all about it!

CHORUS. They will both go on requesting, etc.

MAR. This is indeed a most delightful surprise!

TESS. Yes, we thought you'd like it. You see, it was like this. After you left we felt very dull and mopey, and the days crawled by, and you never wrote; so at last I said to Gianetta, "I can't stand this any longer; those two poor Monarchs haven't got any one to mend their stockings or sew on their b.u.t.tons or patch their clothes--at least, I hope they haven't--let us all pack up a change and go and see how they're getting on." And she said, "Done," and they all said, "Done"; and we asked old Giacopo to lend us his boat, and he said, "Done"; and we've crossed the sea, and, thank goodness, that's done; and here we are, and--and--I've done!

GIA. And now--which of you is King?

TESS. And which of us is Queen?

GIU. That we shan't know until Nurse turns up. But never mind that--the question is, how shall we celebrate the commencement of our honeymoon? Gentlemen, will you allow us to offer you a magnificent banquet?

ALL. We will!

GIU. Thanks very much; and, ladies, what do you say to a dance?

TESS. A banquet and a dance! O, it's too much happiness!

CHORUS and DANCE.

Dance a cachucha, fandango, bolero, Xeres we'll drink--Manzanilla, Montero-- Wine, when it runs in abundance, enhances The reckless delight of that wildest of dances!

To the pretty pitter-pitter-patter, And the c.l.i.tter-c.l.i.tter-c.l.i.tter-clatter-- c.l.i.tter--c.l.i.tter--clatter, Pitter--pitter--patter, Patter, patter, patter, patter, we'll dance.

Old Xeres we'll drink--Manzanilla, Montero; For wine, when it runs in abundance, enhances The reckless delight of that wildest of dances!

(Cachucha.)

(The dance is interrupted by the unexpected appearance of Don Alhambra, who looks on with astonishment. Marco and Giuseppe appear embarra.s.sed. The others run off, except Drummer Boy, who is driven off by Don Alhambra.)

DON AL. Good evening. Fancy ball?

GIU. No, not exactly. A little friendly dance. That's all. Sorry you're late.

DON AL. But I saw a groom dancing, and a footman!

MAR. Yes. That's the Lord High Footman.

DON AL. And, dear me, a common little drummer boy!

GIU. Oh no! That's the Lord High Drummer Boy.

DON AL. But surely, surely the servants'-hall is the place for these gentry?

GIU. Oh dear no! We have appropriated the servants'-hall.

It's the Royal Apartment, and accessible only by tickets obtainable at the Lord Chamberlain's office.

MAR. We really must have some place that we can call our own.

DON AL. (puzzled). I'm afraid I'm not quite equal to the intellectual pressure of the conversation.

GIU. You see, the Monarchy has been re-modelled on Republican principles.

DON AL. What!

GIU. All departments rank equally, and everybody is at the head of his department.

DON AL. I see.

MAR. I'm afraid you're annoyed.

DON AL. No. I won't say that. It's not quite what I expected.

GIU. I'm awfully sorry.

MAR. So am I.

GIU. By the by, can I offer you anything after your voyage?

A plate of macaroni and a rusk?

DON AL. (preoccupied). No, no--nothing--nothing.

GIU. Obliged to be careful?

DON AL. Yes--gout. You see, in every Court there are distinctions that must be observed.

GIU. (puzzled). There are, are there?

DON AL. Why, of course. For instance, you wouldn't have a Lord High Chancellor play leapfrog with his own cook.

MAR. Why not?

DON AL. Why not! Because a Lord High Chancellor is a personage of great dignity, who should never, under any circ.u.mstances, place himself in the position of being told to tuck in his tuppenny, except by n.o.blemen of his own rank. A Lord High Archbishop, for instance, might tell a Lord High Chancellor to tuck in his tuppenny, but certainly not a cook, gentlemen, certainly not a cook.

GIU. Not even a Lord High Cook?

DON AL. My good friend, that is a rank that is not recognized at the Lord Chamberlain's office. No, no, it won't do. I'll give you an instance in which the experiment was tried.

SONG--DON ALHAMBRA, with MARCO and GIUSEPPE.

DON AL. There lived a King, as I've been told, In the wonder-working days of old, When hearts were twice as good as gold, And twenty times as mellow.

Good-temper triumphed in his face, And in his heart he found a place For all the erring human race And every wretched fellow.

When he had Rhenish wine to drink It made him very sad to think That some, at junket or at jink, Must be content with toddy.

MAR. and GIU. With toddy, must be content with toddy.

DON AL. He wished all men as rich as he (And he was rich as rich could be), So to the top of every tree Promoted everybody.

MAR. and GIU. Now, that's the kind of King for me.

He wished all men as rich as he, So to the top of every tree Promoted everybody!