On The Record Part 23

"Look, Hayden," she said, burying her head in her hands, "I think we need to talk."

She heard his sharp intake of breath on the other line.

"I'm at Hannity's place. I can come see you if that works for you."

He was still in Chapel Hill. Of course he would still be in Chapel Hill. That only made sense. He probably hadn't wanted to leave until he got to see her again.

"Sure. Come on over."

"I'll be there in ten minutes," he said. "Liz?"

"Mmm?"

He sighed heavily. "Please don't do anything drastic."

"Hayden, can we talk when you get here?" she whispered.

"Yeah. Yeah, I'll see you soon."

Hayden arrived no more than ten minutes later. Exactly prompt. Just as he had said he would be. She hadn't expected anything less, but after last night everything was all out of whack. Normally Hayden was perfectly put together. Meticulous was the best word to describe him, but he wasn't anything like that today.

He looked like a wreck. He looked as if he hadn't slept all night. Or as if any sleep he had gotten had been restless. He wore the same clothes from yesterday, but rumpled, as if he had slept in them. His eyes were slightly bloodshot and he had stubble brus.h.i.+ng across his cheeks and chin. She had never seen him anything but clean-shaven.

At the sight of him, her heart softened a bit. He was clearly f.u.c.ked up over what had happened and realized how much of a mistake he had made. And she had made a mistake. A big f.u.c.king mistake. He wasn't the only one to blame in this situation, but he didn't know that, and he looked sheepish when he walked in.

"Hey," he said, closing the door behind him.

"Hi." She crossed her arms over her chest uncomfortably. This was going to be painful.

He glanced over at Victoria's closed bedroom door and then back at Liz. "Can we go talk in your room?"

Liz nodded. "Sure."

They retreated back to the bedroom and Liz took a seat on her bed. She crossed her feet pretzel style and stared down at her hands. She knew that she should start, but she didn't even know where to begin.

"Look, Liz," Hayden said, combing through his hair with his fingers. "I know you said that we need to talk, but I'd really like to go first, if that's all right."

"Um . . . sure."

"I'm really sorry about what I said. It was uncalled for, and irresponsible of me to accuse you of hurting the paper based on a few unread emails. I know you have a lot on your plate, and I just took my frustration with my new job out on you. And it was irresponsible of me as your boyfriend," he said, looking up into her eyes, "to dismiss your feelings so easily."

"Hayden," she murmured.

"No, Liz, please. I don't know what was wrong with me last night. I shouldn't have said the things I said. And I d.a.m.n well shouldn't have let you walk out of the door angry. That's not the kind of person I am. I should have run after you. I should have stopped you."

"Yeah, you should have," she said softly. Guilt tugged at her even as the words fell from her mouth.

He nodded slowly. "I was stupid to not follow you. I was stupid about a lot of things. But in the year that we've been dating, we've never had an argument like this before. Discussions about our differences, but nothing like this. I think that really says something about us. I can't promise you it will always be perfect, Liz, because it won't. And I can't promise I'll always be the perfect guy for you."

Liz tried to breathe easy . . . normal. All of these things he couldn't promise sounded so familiar . . .

Hayden continued, "I can't promise you that we won't argue or fight or disagree like we did last night. I can't promise you any of these things, but I can promise you, on the record," he said, with that beautiful Hayden smile, "that I'll always be here and I'll never let go. I am not a perfect man, but I'll always be yours, imperfections and all, if you'll have me."

Oh the sincerity. Liz put her hand on her head and tried to process it. She had thought he would apologize, but all of this. It was so much.

He was right: they had never had an argument before this. This was a doozy of an argument. Not to mention the bulls.h.i.+t with him smoking. She didn't even know what to make of it, but how could she ask him if she didn't tell him that she had been spying on him and that she hadn't left right away? How was she supposed to explain that away logically?

She knew how to do it. She needed to tell him about Brady, but when she opened her mouth to speak, the words stuck in her throat. She had been holding on to it so long that she couldn't even form the words.

"Do you know what it feels like for someone to take everything they have ever worked for and have someone else tear it all down? You of all people know how much work I put in to become editor, to get this interns.h.i.+p, to be on the Morehead scholars.h.i.+p. You know the work I've put into this relations.h.i.+p. And then you took all of that, Hayden, and stomped on it," she whispered, looking up into his hazel eyes, almost brown in the darkness.

"I know I did. It was wrong of me to do that to you. Wrong and selfish. I'm not sure what happened, but something snapped inside of me. I worked so hard in college to get where I was, and then somehow I was stuck in an average reporting position in Charlotte. I was overwhelmed and did the worst thing I could," he said, walking toward her, pleading. He sat heavily on the bed and stared into her eyes. She let him take one of her hands and he stroked her palm with his thumb. "I never should have taken this out on you."

She nodded, but didn't pull back. She was angry with Hayden, but angrier with herself. She had called Brady in her desperation instead of working through her problems with Hayden. Hayden was the one who deserved a second chance . . . not her.

"I love you, Liz. I was an idiot. I'll say it a million times over to prove to you I was wrong," he whispered, staring straight into her eyes. "Just don't leave me. I need you. You're my world."

Liz bit her lip. She knew she should give him an answer. She knew that she should tell him everything she was feeling. But exhaustion nipped at her from all sides. She had made up her mind already anyway.

"Okay," she murmured.

"Yeah?" he asked, his eyes lighting up.

"But, Hayden, if you ever make me feel like that again, it's over," she told him point-blank.

Chapter 19.

THE BOUTIQUE.

Hayden left for Charlotte that evening. Liz tried to act normal throughout the remainder of his visit, but she was emotionally exhausted.

She knew that Brady was out of her life. She had known it every day since she had walked out on him, but still in the back of her mind she had always secretly hoped that it would work out. Now that hope was gone.

Before that night, she hadn't realized how hard she had clung to that feeling. It hadn't even been a realistic or rational expectation. She had known that, but it was Brady Maxwell. She would have clung to his memory forever. She was sure of it. But he had erased that too. She was supposed to act as if he had never existed.

The guilt of her actions ate at her, though. When she saw Hayden the weight pressed down on her shoulders and tried to crush her. They spent their one-year anniversary over a fancy dinner. Hayden gave her small diamond earrings. She had stared at them in shock. She knew he had a real job now and that he could buy her things, but she hadn't been expecting it. Part of it was him trying to make up for their argument and part of it was just how much he adored her. The itch to tell him about Brady grew a bit each day.

When they talked on the phone, all she wanted to do was blurt out what had happened. Somehow she held her tongue. Even when she was away from him over Thanksgiving and Christmas, all Liz could think about was that one word, the one word that threatened to undo her.

Cheating.

She had cheated on Hayden. One kiss. A drive with Brady. The feel of his hands sliding across the waistline of her pants. Emotional attachment that had lasted far too long.

She had taken Hayden back. She had made him feel terrible for how he had treated her. And what kind of person was she? Harboring feelings for another man, hiding secrets from him for over a year, kissing someone else and never telling him. She was a coward. But she had lost Brady, and she hadn't been willing to lose Hayden too.

They spent their second New Year's together at a bar in D.C. with Jamie and James. Besides the nagging guilt that settled into the pit of her stomach, their relations.h.i.+p was smoother than ever. And she wanted to keep it that way, so she did the only thing she knew how: she buried the guilt and kept her secrets.

She spent the week before school at the New York Times and wasn't able to see Hayden once school got back in because she was so busy. Two weeks into the semester, she and Victoria received invitations to a banquet for their Morehead scholars.h.i.+ps. It was an annual thing for seniors to thank them for dedicating so much time to the school and the enhancement of their education. It was supposed to be pretty dull, but they were told it had free alcohol so it was always full.

Victoria used anything as an excuse to go shopping, which was how Liz ended up in a dress boutique in downtown Durham looking for the perfect thing to wear to the banquet.

"Okay, b.i.t.c.h, I have fifty dresses and you only have one. How is that even possible?" Victoria asked, holding a pile of dresses in her arms.

"I already have something to wear," Liz said with a shrug.

"You are not wearing that champagne dress in the back of your closet!" Victoria snapped. "I know that's what you're thinking."

Liz bit her lip. No way was she wearing the champagne dress she had gotten for Brady's gala event. That would be torture. "I wasn't planning to."

"Good. Now find a couple more options to try on so I'm not in there alone." With that she turned and walked into the first dressing room.

Liz rolled her eyes. She grabbed two more dresses that she had been eyeing earlier and took the room next to Victoria. It all really was pointless. She had plenty of dresses that she could wear to an event like this that no one had ever seen her in. Well, Hayden had probably seen her in most of them, and he was her date, but that didn't matter. Hayden didn't count.

The first dress was a knee-length black dress with a high neck and slight s.h.i.+mmer to it. She liked it, but it was a little tight through the hips, and she didn't love it by any means. Victoria vetoed it immediately. The second dress, a baby-pink lace ensemble, also received an instant no.

Victoria would be trying on her dresses forever, so Liz took her time with the last one, the one that she had liked the most originally. She carefully pulled the zipper down to the bottom and stepped into the silky material. Finding the edge of the zipper, she pulled it back into place.

She stared at herself in the mirror and a sad smile crossed her face. The black dress was exquisitely cut and molded to her body in a way that made it seem it had been made for her. It was cap-sleeved with an extensively beaded bodice that hugged her torso. A soft silk material covered her athletic hips down to just a few inches above her knees. The back created a U shape to the middle of her back.

It was beautiful. Unbelievably beautiful. Probably too beautiful to waste on a scholars.h.i.+p banquet.

Suddenly her vision blurred as tears marred her eyes. Liz saw herself then as a mirage. A woman floating and indistinguishable amongst her surroundings.

It was ridiculous for her to be near tears just from looking at a boutique dress. She hadn't cried since the night of the argument with Hayden. Why was she crying now? She willed her tears away, but they refused, and she got a sick feeling in the pit of her stomach.

She loved Hayden. She adored Hayden. He was everything she ever wanted. Well, almost. Her stomach tightened painfully.

He was everything she ever needed. Taking a deep breath, she accepted that. Listing his qualities would take too long, and she knew what a great man he was. She didn't need to convince herself. Yet as her eyes lifted back to the mirror, a tear trailed slowly down her pale cheek.

The guilt of what she had done was weighing on her heavier than ever. All she wanted to do was tell someone, anyone. But the one person she could talk to about it never wanted to see her again, and the one person she needed to talk to about it would never forgive her. He loved her, but how could he accept what she had done?

"Hey, b.i.t.c.h, check out this one," Victoria said, banging on her dressing room door.

Liz wiped at her face and tried to compose herself before opening the door.

"You look great!" Victoria said, checking out the dress. When she looked back up at Liz, though, she tilted her head and furrowed her brow. "What's this about? You okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine," she croaked. She wasn't hiding anything from her best friend.

"I mean, it's just a dress, Liz. I think it looks great." The look on Victoria's face made it all too clear to Liz that Victoria knew it wasn't the dress. "Now, what's really wrong?" Victoria demanded, planting her hands on her hips.

Liz shook her head. "Nothing, Vic, I'm fine. No worries. Just a beautiful dress, huh?" she said, lying through her teeth.

"What the f.u.c.k is going on?"

"Nothing! Can't I appreciate a good-looking dress?" She turned away from Victoria and looked at herself in the boutique's trifold mirror.

"If it makes you cry that much, then don't get it," Victoria said flatly.

A tear rolled down Liz's face when she stared at her reflection again. She very clearly looked as if she had been crying. G.o.d, she needed to get it together.

"Okay. I can't make light of this anymore. What the f.u.c.k happened? Just f.u.c.king spit it out."

"I kissed someone else!" Liz said, covering her mouth as soon as the words left it. She crouched in the middle of the dressing room and covered her face. Even as her tears continued falling, she brushed them away and looked back up at her friend.

Victoria's mouth was hanging open and she was staring at Liz as if she had never seen her before. Liz shrank in on herself even more at the expression. Yeah, she was a terrible person.

"Oh my G.o.d! Was it recently?" Victoria asked, her eyes as large as saucers.

"No."

"Was it that night when you and Hayden got into an argument last October?"

Liz stood up and pushed her hair off her face. She felt clammy and slightly nauseated, but it felt good to get it out for the first time ever.

"Yeah. It was."

"I knew it!" Victoria shrieked.

"Yeah, you guessed it. I'm a terrible girlfriend who cheated on her perfect f.u.c.king boyfriend. Yay! So glad you were right," Liz said in frustration. She felt like s.h.i.+t.

"Oh, please, your boyfriend is not perfect! He pushed you into someone else's arms. I would have f.u.c.ked someone else that night. You were totally in the right."

"I was not!" Liz cried. "Are you insane? I kissed someone else while I'm dating Hayden."

"Well, don't tell the whole world," Victoria said, nodding her head into the boutique.

Liz shook her head. She hadn't been paying any attention to what was going on around her. "I'm going to change. I just want to go home."

"Yeah, but you should get that dress."

"I don't want it."

"But it's like your meltdown dress. You need it."

"Whatever," Liz said, walking into the dressing room.

"So, who is the guy?" Victoria prodded after a couple silent seconds.

"It doesn't matter."