Havemercy. Part 8

On the sixth day, there were beetles.

It was maddening to catch these glimpsesa"cruel and detrimental to me as they werea"because in some ways they were picture-perfect examples of what Iad so desperately sought after: an indication that these men could work together as a seamless team to accomplish a common goal. Of course, the common goal of beetles in my hair was considerably less exemplary than, say, saving the city from the invading Ke-Han, but in some things it was just as important to examine the abstracts as it was to accustom oneself to the specifics.

I showered twice and shook out all my clothes and both suitcases, discovering another wealth of beetles in the second trunk. I sent them tumbling in a s.h.i.+ny black rain out the window, some of them too dazed even to take flight.

I was completely and utterly miserable, but when I thought about all I was learning, all Iad been privy to, and all the mystery that surrounded the Dragon Corpsa"when I thought of what a thunderclap my dissertation would be to the academic world, to say nothing of thaEsaras fiata"I concluded I had to stay. Often this conclusion was accompanied by the impulse to retch, whereupon I would casually make my way to the nearest bathroom in case of disaster. Often I ended up staying longer than was strictly necessary, knees drawn up to my chest and staring with dull fixation at the tiled walls, as though they could somehow offer a solution to my problems.

On the eighth day I made the mistake Balfour warned me against, bringing my wet hand to my face in confusion, and spent the rest of the day with a blue handprint stamped across my nose and cheek.

aI am sorry,a Balfour told me privately. aI thought I warned youa"a aI think itas das.h.i.+ng,a said Luvander, as he strode by.

aI am sorry,a Balfour repeated.

I believed him, and I was sorry for him, but I was even sorrier for myself, and spent the rest of the evening hiding by one of the toilets trying to remember a time Iad been unhappier than this. Try though I might, I couldnat think of a single one.

ROYSTON.

A week had pa.s.sed since the incident of the dining-room table, and by that point Iad discovered two things about myself. The first was thata"despite all evidence to the contrarya"I was in fact the epitome of self-restraint and there should have been a portraiture of me in the encyclopedia entry on the subject.

The second, which was rather more troubling, was that I was only a man and not a G.o.d, that I was completely besotted, and that eventually I was going to crack and do something very, very unadvisable.

Wead been spending a great deal of time together in the past week, Hal and I, whether out of loneliness and a mutual need or some deeper connection, I couldnat tell. I taught him about the Basquiat, about the Esaras bastion, about the Well itself, and I learned soon enough what Iad been too blind to notice straightaway: that the way to Halas heart was through my veritable archive of stories. Soon enough I found myself surrept.i.tiously sending letters to my friends in Thremedon requesting the latest romansa"those they would in their infinite wisdom recommend for a relatively young but voracious readera"and I antic.i.p.ated their arrival with a keen and almost laughable excitement.

Beyond that, my daily walks with Hal grew longer and longer each time through my own careful machinations. I must have appeared to have discovered a new lease on my life, as well as a new hunger for exercise, when in reality I was keen and all too eager to increase our time together. He was companionable; our silences were comfortable. Now and then we were caught in a brief afternoon shower, on the tail of the heavier rains, and we took shelter beneath hanging willows, during which time I tried my best not to parade all my war successes in front of him the way William would display his favorite toys to impress one of his local friends.

In all, I felt something like a child again. Now and then I was struck by the sight of Hal, his kind mouth, his warm eyes, the uneven splash of freckles over his nose and the gentle, vulnerable line of his jaw and throat. His hair was still too long; it was always getting into his eyes. Walking beside him, I had more than one occasion to see him drift into some cloudless daydream, or chew the nail on his thumb, or gaze off at the tree-cluttered horizon as if it held the secrets to some unanswered question. I didnat dare break into such reveries and treated them with my own private reverence, until he noticed head fallen silent and flushed to the tips of his ears, cheeks pink and eyes shy.

I thought I could be content simply to walk beside him, to listen to his thoughts on what books he had read, to know he sought my opinion and my approval on the theories head formed. We agreed on poetrya"which was an unexpected detail, considering my obstinate spirit and his dreamier onea"and I spent much of my time before finally catching up with sleep lecturing myself on how little this meant.

He was young. He was good-natured. He was kind to spend such time with me, starved for the attention I gave him, more like my student and friend than anything else. It was circ.u.mstance alone that brought us together, and kept us side by side on the twisting paths alongside Locque Nevers. It was luck, not fate, and there was a resounding difference between the two.

Iad cause no more trouble in my brotheras house.

However, I hadnat counted on the tenacity of the rainy season. And I hadnat counted on the storm that trapped us beneath a willow tree, soaking wet and s.h.i.+vering, but nevertheless laughing together happily, out of breath from running so fast for some kind of shelter.

aDo you get caught in the rain this often?a I asked him, over the pounding of the rain, the howling of the wind, and the occasional booming clap of thunder.

aNot really,a he replied. aI thinka"I think it might be you, actually.a aAccept my most sincere of apologies,a I told him, near giddy, feeling my teeth chatter. aYour lips are quite blue. How long do you think this will last?a aItas difficult to say,a Hal admitted. He wrapped his arms around his chest, chafed them with the palms of his hands, and stamped his feet to keep warm, though the weather was turning to winter, and we were both soaked through to the bone. aIt could be ten minutes or it could be an hour.a aWeall have to get back to the house,a I cautioned, aelse youall catch another cold.a aOh,a Hal said, worrying his lower lipa"a habit he had, and a very distracting one. aWell, weare rather far from the castle.a aAnd you feel it would be rather impractical to take our chances and return now?a aI do,a he said, and the sound of his voice, blue-tinged as his lips were with the wet and the cold, made me s.h.i.+ver, too, though for a different reason.

aIs there anything youad suggest, then?a I asked.

He paused for a moment, still chewing at his lower lip; and then all at once his eyes lit up, and I found my breath catching on something rough and untoward in my throat. aWell,a he said, some of that light fading, ait isnat used very much now, but it would be warmer than standing here under this tree and waiting for the rain to pa.s.s. That is, the boathouse. If I remember it right, itas not too far from here.a aNot so far that we could make a dash for it?a I asked.

Such a situation as this onea"the two of us wet and wild from the rush and new heat that surged in our veinsa"had never swept me up before. I was like a child no older than William again; anyone who knew me from my old life would never have let me hear the end of it.

Luckily there was no one here but Hal and me.

He reached forward, across the s.p.a.ce between us, and grasped my hand in one of his own. aYes,a he said. aLetas make a dash for it.a I caught his fingers and held them tight; and then we were running together, slipping in the mud, along the banks of the engorged river, laughing and shrieking into the howling wind and rain, half-blind in the downpour. No doubt we nearly lost our footing on more than one occasion, and were both perilously close to being swallowed whole by the gurgling river. It didnat matter. Nothing mattered. Halas fingers were ice-cold in my own, and there was a form in the distance, just visible through the sheeting rain.

That, I understood, must be the boathouse.

We tumbled inside the door, gasping and choking and still laughing. The hinges were rusty and we nearly knocked the d.a.m.n thing in, and the wind was blowing so hard that we almost couldnat close it again, but eventually we managed, collapsing back against it with our legs shaking and our whole bodies trembling with the cold.

At last, when I could speak again, I said, aItas very dark in here, isnat it?a then we both collapsed into laughter again, Hal sliding down the wall sudden and hard. Soon after, my knees gave way and I followed him.

This wasnat going to do either of us any good. We needed to light a fire, get out of our wet clothes, and glean as much warmth as we could from one another until the rains had pa.s.sed and we could return to the house.

Realization hit me like a punch beneath the belt. We should have done thisa"but we couldnat.

Rather: I couldnat.

aIs everything all right?a Hal asked into the silence, as the wind slammed itself again and again against the thin wooden walls and the rain made the whole roof shake.

aYes,a I said. aQuite. I was simply trying to think of how we might best get warm.a aOh,a Hal said. aYes, of course; you must be cold.a His words were hard to understand, as his teeth were chattering, but I knew my own limits. I couldnat allow myself to reach over and warm him with my own body for a number of very real, very compelling reasons. Yet at the same time I couldnat let him fall ill due to my own shortcomings as a reserved and unselfish individual. aIam sorry,a Hal added, after a long moment. aThis is my fault really.a aIs it?a I asked, my tone of voice not betraying my darker thoughts. aI wasnat aware you controlled the skies. How marvelous!a aOh,a Hal said again, and I knew without having to see him that he was blus.h.i.+ng.

aYou might have said something earlier,a I went on speaking, in order to give my thoughts as little entertainment as possible. aItas a useful Talent, that.a aNo,a said Hal, warm and familiar. For better or worse, head come to recognize when I was joking, and he knew what was serious and what wasnat. aI didnat mean that.a aI am aware,a I a.s.sured him, and cast a glance around the long, low building for anything that we might see fit to burn. I did not wish to incur my brotheras enmity by destroying any more of his possessions than I already hada"though to be fair, I hadnat seen them use it mucha"so the squat little rowboat leaning up against one wall was out of the question. So too the oars, I a.s.sumed, though I knew myself that if it came to a choice between freezing to death and the familyas recreational pursuits, I would take the blame wholeheartedly.

As if to add to my conviction, Hal lifted his hands to rub at his arms, one enormous quaking s.h.i.+ver at my side. He must have noticed me looking at him, for he offered a sheepish smile. aItas not as warm in here as I thought it might be.a aDo you know if thereas anything that we might burn?a I asked.

The look in his eyes told me Iad phrased the question wrong, or perhaps the memory of the dining-room table was altogether too fresh in his mind. aI mean, for a fire. I am not always in the habit of exploding property. During times of peace, in any case, when Iam dining with my brotheras family or taking shelter in my brotheras boathouse.a aIt might,a Hal began, forcing the words out between his chattering teeth. aIf you can, I mean, that might be the only way weave got of starting a fire. I didnat think to bring matches.a He smiled at this, as though Iad been the one to teach him sarcasm.

aAh,a I said.

aWell, or, thereas an oil lamp in the back corner,a he said, using the wall to lever himself into a standing position once again. aOf course, that might burn the whole boathouse down, which would be warm, but . . .a aNot entirely the solution to the problem I was hoping for,a I agreed, following suit and standing as well. The wind drove itself into the boathouse walls with a force that set them trembling as surely as Hal was. Remaining in this state was most certainly not an option.

Further exploration of the boathouse yielded a small skiff with the bottom torn out. William, Hal explained, had thought it just the perfect size for a sled down the gravel mountain that was all that remained of an old quarry upriver, and the boat had been quite ruined by the time it reached the bottom. I thought that as a source of wood it would serve quite marvelously, and set about dragging it to the center of the boathouse, praising William all the while.

aHere,a said Hal, pale and tinged with blue. aWhat can I do?a He was dripping all over the floor, and my own feelings on the matter made themselves known as surely as though Iad been kicked in the chest.

aClear everything else out of the way,a I said, for fires were only ever a good idea when they were controlled, and with my wits and hands half-frozen, I wanted to take no chances.

Hal nodded and picked up the oars, taking them to the very back of the boathouse. I circled the wooden skeleton of the boat my nephew had destroyed, trying to judge whether it would indeed be safer to use oil from the lamp. I knew that it wasnat, and that even entertaining the thought was simply a means for me to ignore the fact that I was reluctant to use my Talent again so soon, and in front of Hal. I was too old for such flights of fanciful self-consciousness, but there it was. If I were being perfectly honest, I a.s.sumed that it was only that I did not want him to look at me in a different way, which was patently ridiculous.

If Iad wanted that, I might have taken a care not to send the dining-room table out of the house in splinters.

aAre you going to light the fire?a Hal held his arms tightly, as if by doing so he could keep himself from shaking. A thin rivulet of water trailed from the ends of his hair, down his nose and mouth. Something s.h.i.+fted within me, sharp and bright.

My Talent for combustiona"or exploding things, as seemed to be the laypersonas preferred definitiona"had proved particularly useful during the war. The Esar had never bothered to learn the specifics, once he knew what it was I could do, nor did it seem to matter much after that. All I really needed was the oxygen readily available in the air. The scientists had explained it all very concisely, chemical reactions resulting in a great deal of heat. Theoretically, my explosions began as all fires did, and all that dictated their intensity was my own level of concentration. It was for that reason, among others, that I had had to learn very quickly to control my temper. Mishaps like my brotheras dining-room table couldnat happen. They shouldnat happen.

aStand back,a I said quietly. Hal stepped back, though his eyes were on me, clear and pale as the rainwater.

I concentrated, drawing on my own store, the Well of my own power, from within, where it lay coiled like an enormous, fat serpent. It could strike as easily as allow itself to be charmed, and without the proper experience many magicians could quite easily end up destroyed by their own Talents, poisoned from within.

The boat lit with a soft whoos.h.i.+ng noise, a pale echo of the wind and rain that howled outside. The fire was large, though, and rose crackling and cheery toward the ceiling, so that the room was flooded with a shaky orange light.

I could see Hal still over the curling edges of the flames, face framed by fire like the burning portrait of a lover. aThat was . . .a he said at length. His voice was still s.h.i.+vering but it had grown quiet and restrained, as though he were trying to quell his s.h.i.+veringa"which of course wouldnat help in the slightest. aThat was very . . . Well.a aCome here,a I said. I had to ignore the fluttering within my own d.a.m.ned chest that so mirrored the flames. I held out a hand and smiled without regard for anything else in the world, the rain or the wind, or my own considerable discomfort in clothes both clammy and frigid.

Hal crossed to sit next to me at the fire, taking off his sodden jacket with an unself-conscious shrug of his thin shoulders. aIn . . . in the last roman I read, they went into a lot of detail about the best ways to . . . to get warm again when youare cold,a he explained, and I knew by the quality of his voice and the uncertain way in which he would not quite meet my eyes that his thoughts had been the same as mine.

Well, likely not exactly the same as mine.

I nodded, acquiescing to at least this bit of wisdom. My own jacket was a soaked weight over my shoulders, clinging and useless. I peeled it off, and pushed it a careful distance closer to the fire to let it dry.

aThis is a right sight better than the marsh,a Hal said, almost cheerful now that his teeth had stopped chattering so violently.

I laughed, as I often did at the unexpected glimpses of glib good humor Hal possessed. Then the sound died in my throat, swift and abrupt, as he lifted the hem of his s.h.i.+rt and tugged the wet garment over his head.

aHere,a I said, and my voice snagged on something low and dangerous, so that I had to clear the propriety back into my throat. aHere, let me.a Thoughtless of my actions, I reached over to help him, freeing his arms and, in a moment, the rest of him.

aOh,a said Hal, his dark hair mussed in places and stuck to his scalp. The freckles on his face stood out like ink dots, sharp against his pale skin. His lips were still tinged blue, and he had freckles on his shoulders as well as on his shoulder blades. aThank you.a If he smiled then, I knew quite well that I would be lost, and so I turned away quickly. aItas nothing,a I answered, quiet and gracious. Careful.

There must still have been a touch of what I was wrestling around in my voice, however, because he put his hand on my arm.

aIsa"Are you quite sure everythingas all right? You sound as though you may be getting a cold.a I laughed again, but it was at my own expense, and not a kind laugh. How I had ended up in this situation was immaterial, as it was most certainly my own fault and therefore my responsibility to keep my private feelings at bay. aIam quite sure, Hal. Thank you.a He brightened, as he always did when I used his name, and set about kicking off his boots with a thudding sound against the wooden floor of the boathouse. aYou should start getting your clothes off, tooa"that is, if you donat mind me saying so, of course,a he added quickly, as though I were staying clothed out of some insane obstinacy that wouldnat allow me to take the advice of a country ward.

aWell,a I began. This was not a proper beginning at all, and so I elaborated. aIam not all that cold, actually.a He tossed me a look full of a fondness that made my chest ache, and which also suggested that he thought me insanely obstinate. No doubt he was right. aOf course you are. You were caught in that rain same as me. There isnat any place for modesty; you could catch fever same as I, if you donat take better care of yourself.a His voice was uncertain, unused to taking charge and yet armed with the simple conviction that he was right, and this gave him courage. aIall close my eyes, if you like. And keep them closed until the rain stops, too.a aThat really wonat be necessary,a I said, smiling in spite of the trap that had sprung up around me. With the air of a man headed to the noose, I began to undo the b.u.t.tons of my s.h.i.+rt.

Hal looked away, and I had to a.s.sume it was out of a real sense of modesty rather than any promise head made me one way or the other.

I removed my s.h.i.+rt in precise, deliberate motions that meant nothing; I dropped it on the floor next to Halas by the fire. The boathouse gave a particularly violent shudder, followed by an ominous creak.

Hal whistled low. aIt could go on all night, by the sounds of that.a When he did look at me, he kept his eyes cast down, so I knew that, for all his sensible talk, in some ways this was as difficult for him as it was for me.

Only in some ways, of course.

aHal,a I said, loud enough to be heard over the storm that raged outsidea"but only just.

aItas a good thing weave got this fire going,a he went on as though he hadnat heard me, hands traveling to his belt. aGoing by the size of the boat, it could last all night if we needed it to, without having to burn the one whose bottom hasnat been torn out.a aHal,a I repeated. The light from the fire stained our white skin to a deep, flushed tan, as though it was the height of summer and the cold season was not upon us. It was warmer without clothes, and I was no fool. I knew perfectly well how to survive a winter in the mountains, or a wet night in a boathouse. This was simply a road I could not take, and the knowing of it overwhelmed all the sense in my head.

His belt hit the floor with a dull clunk. I caught his arm above the elbow, so that he turned to look at me in surprise. aMargrave?a Our mouths were too close. I could feel his breath against my lips, warm and hitching and uneven. I knew what Iad intended all this time. To think that Iad pretended to myself that Iad even considered resisting him! I was much more of a fool than I could ever have guessed.

I could have kissed him.

I almost did it, forthright and honest. And it was a very rare occasion on which I was perfectly honest about something, with someone.

I had been honest with Erik. I was honest with Hal.

I could have kissed him, and I almost did. He must have sensed it in me, for he made a small noise in the back of his throat and his lips parted as though he was expecting my mouth on his. It was an invitation, however clumsy and inexperienced, and with it his arm came up to lock thin and tight around my neck, pleading with me to waita"just a moment.

That was when I forced myself to draw away.

He was too much younger than I, too desperate for anyoneas affection. Even though it was not my place to decide for him whether what he thought he wanted was what he actually did want, I couldnat have that uncertainty drawn between us. I didnat want to have to doubt him for any reason; likewise, I didnat want to give him cause to doubt me. Above all, I was the elder, and it was my duty to protect him from at least the same blunders Iad once made myself when I was his age. It wasnat so very long ago as all that, and because I cared for him, I refused to kiss him.

It took all my strength not to do so, to turn my face from his and toward the firelight. I was still holding tight to his arm, and we were close enough yet that I could feel as well as hear the sound he made, as if Iad doused him quite suddenly with ice-cold water.

There must have been something I could have done to rea.s.sure him, yet for the life of me I couldnat think of a single thing.

We were silent for a long time. Hal didnat remove his hand from the back of my neck, nor did I entirely release him. To do so now would be to scorn him completely, and that would have taken advantage of his position just as surely as kissing him would have done.

He made that sound a second time, softer than the first. I felt him stir against me; his hair tickled my neck, so that I knew head bowed his head.

Above all else, I told myself with sudden remonstration, I couldnat allow him to think this a defeat of any sort.

aHal,a I said.

There was an unfamiliar quality in my voicea"it said too clearly all that I was feeling torn, ragged, on the edge of some deeper needa"and his fingers tightened against the back of my neck. I didnat know whoad moved first to make it so, but quite suddenly he was tucked in close against my chest, warm and impossibly soft. Everything important about Hal was softness, I decided, his hair and his mouth, the sweet curve of his jaw, and the way it fit neatly into my palm. I ran my thumb along the line of his cheek, marking its shape the way Iad only ever had occasion to with my eyes.

And there we were. I held him against me, his skin clammy and cold and still damp against mine, and his lips parted, his half quirk of a sorry smile. I could feel his heart pounding inside his chest, against my forearm, which was trapped between us and would soon start cramping.

Now should have been the time when I used this leverage and maneuvered us apart from each other. Now should have been the time when I put my wealth of experience in these matters to good use, to the task of keeping him as far away from me as was possible in the small boathouse.

But now wasnat the night for it. And at least Iad mustered strength enough not to kiss him.

Then, his fingers clutched at the base of my neck, tangling in my hair. He murmured something that sounded like my name, and I allowed myself to harbor the foolish notion that it was exactly that. He was young, I thought wildly; he was separated from his parents and desperate for affection in my brotheras cold, uncaring, selfish house. Wead grown very close. We were intimate friends, and Hal had obviously longed for such companions.h.i.+p. He didnat know what it was he asked for, the fingers of his free hand seeking purchase against my shoulder.

Yet, the treacherous shadow-half of me whispered, these lies would be to demean him. Hal was no idiot country boy, and inexperience was quite another thing from stupidity. I longed to rationalize his actions within the context of what I presumed him to be thinkinga"yet for all the time wead spent together, I realized I had no way to judge or measure his thoughts at all.

aHal,a I said again.

At last we pulled away from each other, and Hal let his hand fall to his side, fingers curling against his palm. In my terror and self-aborted desire, Iad made certain my hand moved no farther than where it remained, still cupping his face against the palm.

I could see his eyes, blue flecked with gray, and they were s.h.i.+ning for me.

aI didnat,a he said, and licked his lips. aIa"a aItas warmer now,a I said lightly, not betraying even so much as a shred of my feelings. aIsnat it?a Hal began to blush, and quickly after that he looked away, ducking his head to hide it against my shoulder. I was sure that, considering how close we were, he was bound to hear the pulse at my throat beating wild and desperate for him.

The sound of the fire crackling, eating away at the poor ruined skiff, must have obscured the sound. I allowed myself to move my hand, to rest it against his pale back ghosted with freckles. His fingers tightened against my shoulder.

We should have spoken about it. We should have said something. We should have done anything other than curl against each other in silence, frozen in time, doing neither one thing nor the other.

I held my small triumph close about me like the mantle of a warrior, and said instead, aThat was an adventure, wasnat it?a aIt was,a Hal said. There was sadness in his voice, deep and dark.

I rested my nose against his temple and stared beyond him at the fire. We were holding each other because it was practical; I loosened my embrace though I didnat let go entirely.

Soon enough I could hear the even keel of Halas breathing as it slowed. The storm had ended, and Hal was sleeping. When I tried to move he protested, mumbling in his sleep, and buried his face against my throat as if I were both his pillow and his bed.

I didnat fall prey, as Iad thought I would, to unhappy thoughts. Instead I followed Halas example and slept comfortable and deep.

CHAPTER SIX.

ROOK.

So the morning after the professor spent the whole day trying to school us in appreciating other peopleas feelings, with his whole face looking extra special on account of the big blue handprint, Adamo rounded us up and sat us down in a circle in the common room, where the professora"no longer blue, all the more the pitya"was waiting for us.