The Shades Of Time And Memory Part 3

Caeru leaned on the back of the chair. Cal's neck was still twisted. He must be in agony by now. 'It's not anything like vengeance,' Caeru said. 'The truth is that I want to know why I've suffered all these years. I want to find out for myself. And you are curious too, because I am the har with whom Pell conceived a child. You never did that together, and you know how powerful aruna has to be to achieve such a thing, because you've been a hostling yourself. You want me too, Cal. Admit it.'

'Yes, I want you. Who wouldn't? You know your a.s.sets, I'm sure. We should talk about this, and then I should talk with Pell.'

Caeru laughed. 'You must still be insane after all, Calanthe. Pellaz can't stand the sight of me. I was supposed to be nothing more than a one-night stand. He abused me. He made me trust him enough to let him do that unspeakable thing to me. Then he left me. When are you going to wake up? Pellaz is not the fantasy you have in your head. He is brutal and vicious and he is Tigron. He can do what he wants to you, as he thought he could with me. Perhaps we need each other more than you think. Pellaz died. He never came back. Can't you understand that? The har who lives now is something other than the human boy you stole away from home. You can never have him back.'

It was clear that Cal had now heard more than enough. He uttered a growl, leapt to his feet and wheeled round, so swiftly and aggressively that Caeru instinctively took a few steps back. 'I could justify wringing your scrawny neck, if I thought about it long enough,' Cal said in a chilling tone. 'You know I'm capable.'

'Get out,' Caeru said. His voice was calm, but inside he was terrified. He knew exactly how capable of murder Cal was. He could almost see himself lying dead and broken on the carpet.

'Why?' Cal laughed. 'This is wonderful. Can't you take what you dish out? You want truth? You came here with your son an eminently suitable excuse - because you craved some of what Pell had got. And oh, how much of that you've greedily taken. Did you really expect him to welcome you with open arms? Would he have left you in Ferelithia if he hadn't bitterly regretted what he'd done in ignorance? You are no innocent, Rue. Inside, you are still a singer in a two-bit band with a l.u.s.t for power and possessions. You always will be, whatever jewels you drape on your body and however well you play act at being royalty. What a performer! Your son must be proud.'

'I said get out,' Caeru said.

'Why? We've only just started. We haven't even reached the interesting stage yet. Let's share breath again. Let's really show each other the truth inside.'

'Do I have to call somehar to throw you out?'

'Can't cope with what you invoked?' Cal enquired. 'How disappointing.'

'Go,' Caeru said. 'This is finished.'

'No, it hasn't. Don't you understand? You've won. But maybe it doesn't feel like victory now.'

'Victory?'

'Here I am,' Cal said coldly, opening his arms. 'Come, drink, taste. Sate yourself. We are the rulers of all Wraeththu: flawed, magnificent and vain. We deserve each other.'

Cal was only a few steps away, yet it seemed like a vast distance. He was in pain. Caeru could see that so clearly. He mustered all of his courage and crossed the distance between them. He took Cal's face in his hands. 'The hatred has to stop,' he said. 'It has to.'

Cal's breath tasted of brandy and incense and burning candles. His hands were hot on Caeru's skin, sizzling with energy. He was hungry for contact, drawing the breath from Caeru's chest, from his the depths of his belly. Aruna with Pellaz must be terrifying for him. He needed this. He needed grounding.

They sank to their knees on the carpet, struggling with clothes, clawing flesh. There was a sound like the ocean in Caeru's head and it was the seethe of hot blood. This savage union was a vortex of chaos, of insatiable need, a desire to end all pain. Frustration, bitterness, fear, and resentment: they were all there site guardians of Phaonica. Caeru fell back and hit his head sharply against the floor. Cal was on top of him. Caeru could feel Cal's heart banging against his ribs. Then, in the midst of madness, Cal became still. It was if time itself had stopped. Caeru became aware of a gentle but insistent pressure between his legs, where it felt as if his soume-lam was gasping for breath. Aruna with Cal was going to happen. It really was. They had both just realised what they were doing.

'This was what Pell felt, the first time ever,' Caeru murmured. 'He felt you, like this.'

'And this is what he saw,' Cal said, 'that night in Ferelithia. He saw what I'm seeing now.'

'In this way, we are one.'

Cal uttered a cry that was almost grief, and Caeru's body arched in pain. It was like fighting with history.

Chapter Three.

Velaxis came calling very early next morning, almost as if his psychic sight had picked up on the events of the previous night. Caeru was still in bed, lying face down in a nest of pillows and covered partially by a sheet. Velaxis stalked into the room and threw wide the curtains. Sunlight streamed in harshly.

'Oh dear,' Velaxis said, examining Caeru's body. He pulled at the sheet. 'You appear to be stuck.'

'What?' Caeru rolled over, blinking.

'With blood. How barbaric.'

'Stop pulling that. It hurts.'

Velaxis sat down on the bed and folded his arms. 'I demand a mission report.'

'Mission accomplished,' Caeru said, yawning. 'At least I think so.'

'Well done. What state is our beloved Tigron in?'

'The marks will still be there by the time Pellaz gets home.'

'Hmm, perhaps not the best plan.'

Caeru dragged himself from the bed, wrapped in the sheet. His back was very sore. It wasn't that Cal had scratched him. They'd taken the brandy to bed with them and somehow the bottle had got broken. At some point during the proceedings, they had rolled on the pieces. At the time, they had both been too high on aruna to deal with the wounds. Caeru had barely felt it. Now, he realised he felt nauseous. 'It should have been different,' he said. 'I didn't handle it very well.' He went to the door and called for his dresser. His back needed attention.

'Details,' Velaxis said. 'It's your duty to tell me.'

'Cal's not happy. He hardly knows where he is. The dream of Immanion has become something of a nightmare.'

'And destined to get worse once Pellaz returns,' Velaxis said. 'You shouldn't have left marks, Rue. That was cruel.'

'I didn't mean to. We broke some gla.s.s by accident. Cal will tell Pell what happened, anyway. I know he will.'

'Was this a one-off roonfest?'

'I don't think so. He comes to me nearly every day. He'll be back.'

'I wonder how Pellaz will react.'

'He probably won't care. You know what he's like. He's never jealous of me. He wouldn't let himself be.'

Caeru's dresser came into the room and uttered a shocked cry when he noticed the wounds.

Velaxis laughed in delight. 'Over breakfast, you must tell me every detail. I'm not squeamish. Tell me everything. Then I shall wait in nervous antic.i.p.ation for the next instalment, which I presume will be tomorrow.'

Caeru could barely get through the day. Now, he wanted to talk to Cal. They had to establish some kind of order. Last night had been vicious. It mustn't happen again. Caeru planned everything he intended to say. He would show Cal his tender side and build up his trust. The time for snarling was over. Pellaz was due to return to Immanion in a couple of days.

But Cal did not turn up at the usual time. Caeru couldn't eat anything. He sat on the terrace, wrapped in bewildered numbness, considering that Cal was going to treat him in exactly the same way Pellaz had. The only positive aspect was that this time there had been no conception.

At nine o'clock, Caeru sent one of his staff to Cal's apartments, but the Tigron was not in residence. Caeru drank himself into a stupor because it was the only way he could sleep and he could no longer stand to be awake. His back hurt so much the pain invaded all his dreams, most of which were hideous.

The following morning, Velaxis appeared, br.i.m.m.i.n.g with disgusting eagerness to hear more lurid stories. Caeru told him what had happened, or rather what hadn't happened.

'Go to his apartment today,' Velaxis said. 'Go yourself.'

'I can't do that. It's too humiliating.'

'I think you should. Cal's confused. He's probably frightened.'

'I don't think he's ever that.'

'Clean yourself up and go. Pride is pointless now and only an impediment to progress.'

Caeru sighed. 'All right. But I'll never forgive you if he throws me out.'

'The Hegemony is due to meet this afternoon. You should both be there. Sort this out before that.'

It took ten minutes to reach Cal's apartment: to Caeru it felt like over an hour and yet mere seconds. He had no idea what reception he'd get. A member of the Tigron's staff let him in and, without any apparent hesitation or disapproval, conducted him into Cal's presence. Caeru was disappointed to find that Cal was not in any kind of emotional agony, but was poring over immense piles of paper in his office. After Caeru had been announced, he said, 'I was going to come and see you later.'

'You didn't come last night,' Caeru said, staring meaningfully at the attendant until he went away.

'No, I went to see Ashmael.'

'Right. And what did he have to say?'

'You don't want to hear. We were stupid, Rue. Really stupid.'

'I know. I'll be lucky if I'm not scarred for life.'

Cal laughed uncertainly. 'There are particular images that will stay with me for the rest of mine.'

'So, what's your decision?'

'What do you mean?'

'You know. Well? Did Ashmael help you make it?'

Cal sighed. 'Sit down. We have to talk.'

'No. I just want an answer. Are you going to repeat history and turn your back on me?'

Cal put his hands on Caeru's arms. 'No. It's just... Oh h.e.l.l, I don't know what it is.'

Caeru pulled away from him. 'I think I do. You want permission first. Isn't that it?'

'I want to talk to Pell, yes.'

Sometimes, Caeru considered, the female side of being har manifested itself at the most inappropriate times. A small part of him, that seemed to be hovering somewhere near the light fitting, looked on in horror as he sank down on a chair and began to weep. He couldn't stop himself. It was decades of disappointment and heartbreak spilling out in one long stream. Even as he abandoned himself to misery, he realised that Cal must be thinking this was a deliberate ploy to get attention and sympathy. That only made it worse. Get out! A rational part of his mind advised. Get out now before you make more of a fool of yourself.

Blindly, he got to his feet and made in what he hoped was the direction of the door. All of Cal's staff would see him like this. It was vile.

Cal grabbed hold of him before he could leave the room. 'Rue,' Cal said lamely. 'Don't.'

Caeru pulled away. 'You don't get it, do you?' he yelled and thumped his own chest. 'It's in here. All of it. It's called love. It's like a magic spell or a curse.'

Cal frowned in what appeared to be genuine perplexity. 'You love me?'

'No! Not you, you idiot!' Caeru yanked open the door and ran down the corridor outside. He was dimly aware of curious hara observing him from various doorways.

Cal came after him, of course, and dragged him into another room. He slammed the door and leaned upon it, so that Caeru couldn't get out. 'Calm down,' he said. 'It's not that bad.'

'f.u.c.k you!'

'I won't have this. You understand? I'm sick and tired of being this chaotic force that f.u.c.ks up everyhar's life. Don't do this to me. Let me be.'

Caeru laughed bitterly through his tears. 'Now we're ourselves, aren't we?'

'I've taken you on. You asked me to and I have. If I can heal the rift between you and Pell, I will, but us being together before I've talked to him won't help. He'll read it all wrong.'

'He won't. You don't know him. He expends universal energy into maintaining the belief I don't exist. Everyhar knows it. It'll go down in history.'

'Not in my version of events it won't.'

'Rewrite history, then. It'll do nothing to help me.' Caeru rubbed his face. The tears had stopped. 'How I wish I hadn't come here.'

'It's a bit late for that, isn't it?'

'I meant today,' Caeru snapped.

Cal laughed, so infectiously that Caeru found himself smiling, even though he didn't want to. 'I promise you: I'll make Pell see sense.'

Caeru reached out and touched Cal's face. 'You're sweet, really, aren't you? Your optimism is just so sweet.' He withdrew his hand. 'But totally improbable. Come to me tonight, Cal, or never come at all. For once, I want things to be on my terms.'

He pushed Cal aside and left the room, considering that was probably the best parting shot he'd ever delivered.

Chapter Four.

Many times, Pellaz broke his journey through the otherlanes to ride upon the back of the world, to feel the road beneath his sedu's hooves, to watch the season flow past. Over the years since he'd become Tigron in Immanion, he had been prey to depression at regular intervals but what he felt now was deeper and more profound. He needed to escape the otherlanes to a.s.sure himself the world was real and that he wasn't just dreaming it. He realised he was afraid: the fabric of reality might break apart at any moment and he would be sucked into the place where his spirit had fled a long time ago. This might all be a dream. He might still be dying, somewhere.

Usually, Pellaz could find solace at the House of Parasiel in Galhea, where several of his closest friends lived. But the news he'd had to take them - or rather the truth after the variety of wild rumours and speculations they'd heard had not been entirely welcome. Seel thought he'd gone mad even to entertain the idea of having Cal back in his life and was incandescent with fury over what had happened to Thiede; Cobweb had been mightily offended because Cal had refused to accompany Pell there; Swift had been outraged they hadn't been informed of the details sooner, as he regarded Cal as family, and Tyson well, it was difficult to read Tyson's reaction because he was Cal's son, and so like his hostling. His sullenness could hide excitement at the prospect of reunion with his parent or given his blood murderous impulses.

But perhaps more unsettling than any of the Parasilians' reactions to news of Thiede's fall and Cal's instatement, were the private words Cobweb had had with Pellaz the previous night. They had walked in the gardens of We Dwell in Forever, a house now as famous as the family who lived within it. Cobweb was a creature of magic and mystery, more feminine than any har had a right to be, and he possessed the second sight.

As they pa.s.sed beneath the weeping willows that cast their sorrowful locks upon the surface of the quiet, moon-kissed lake, Cobweb said, 'Cal is always somehar else's sword.' He reached up to bend a pliable twig around his fingers, twisting and twisting it, although it did not break.

'Tell me what you mean,' Pellaz said. 'Whose sword is he now?'