Swell Foop Part 14

"Precisely. But I would settle for her, were she inclined. She is a nice person."

"Perhaps I can help. I shall speak to Ida, with your permission."

"I have no objection."

Justin projected his voice to Ida's ear. "This is Justin," he whispered. "Ca.s.saunova would like to have a serious relations.h.i.+p with Ca.s.saundra, but she does not take him seriously, because of his reputation. If she would like such a relations.h.i.+p, she should perhaps take the initiative. It would be helpful if you discussed this prospect with her."

Princess Ida glanced across at him and nodded.

"I spoke to Ida," Justin said to Ca.s.saunova. "She will converse with Ca.s.saundra, suggesting that she take the initiative. I can't promise that anything will come of this."

The centaur shrugged. "If Ca.s.saundra approaches me, she shall find me receptive."

After a reasonable interval the centaurs slowed. "We are nearing the border of our region," Ca.s.saunova said. "We must pa.s.s through a comic strip to enter the little machine region, which in turn borders the one we seek."

"Little machines?"

"A young woman makes them from inanimate objects. They are peculiar as machines go, and other machines do not approve of their origin, so they are isolated from the main machines."

"But first we must cross the comic strip," Ca.s.saundra said with a delicate shudder.

"Indeed," Ca.s.saunova agreed. "It may be best to plunge through it rapidly."

"What can be so bad about a comic strip?" Justin inquired.

He saw the two centaurs exchange a glance, to which the female added half a smile. It lit half her face, making it prettier. "On reconsideration, let's walk through this one," she suggested. "So they can experience it more fully."

Ca.s.saunova nodded and led the way. He stepped across a faintly s.h.i.+mmering line on the ground.

A strange man appeared "Get your cures here," he said loudly. "Very reasonable prices. Offer will not be repeated."

"Why, I could use a cure," Ca.s.saundra said.

"Sorry, no females need apply," the man said. "My cures are only for men. I'm a man-i-cure."

"Oof," Justin said involuntarily. "What a pun!"

Then he received a rough poke in the side. He jumped, and saw that he had brushed up against a big k.n.o.bby plant. No-it was reaching out to poke him and the centaur.

"Poke weed," Ca.s.saunova said. "Can't be avoided in this nefarious strip."

Another obnoxious pun. "Let's move on," Justin said somewhat shortly.

A bird flew up before them with a great racket of wings. It was green, and seemed to be made of strung-together green beads. One of the beads flung loose and landed in Justin's lap. Suddenly he felt the urge to urinate. He quickly brushed it off, and the urge abated. "What was that?"

"A peac.o.c.k," the centaur explained. "A bird made entirely of peas."

"Oof!" Justin repeated. There was more to that pun than met the eye.

They came to a path running down the center of the comic strip. It was wide and smooth. "This seems nice to travel," Ida said.

Ca.s.saundra shook her head. "We must cross it quickly."

Before anyone could ask why, several weird things came zooming along the path. They seemed to be human beings on wheeled devices that they impelled by the use of pedals. But instead of proceeding in single file, they were constantly cras.h.i.+ng into each other. Some were sitting facing back, while others were resting on their heads, with their feet in the air and using their hands to pedal. All of them had crazy looks on their faces. "Get out of my way!" one yelled at another as he veered into the other, making them both crash.

"No, you get out of my way!" the other retorted, getting back on his machine and deliberately colliding again.

There was a growl from below. The path, evidently annoyed, heaved up and hurled both cyclists forward. But as soon as they got their wheels under them again, the two resumed their reckless behavior.

"What on earth is going on?" Justin asked, appalled.

"This is a cyclepath," Ca.s.saunova explained. "All the cyclers on it are crazed. They are positively cyclepathic."

"Oof!" This time it was Unpun. "I can't stand it!"

"Fortunately you are sitting," Catarrh said with a rotten smirk.

"The path seems none too pleased, either," Ida remarked.

"Oh, that's just road rage," Ca.s.saundra said.

All three visitors groaned.

"Do you think they have seen enough?" Ca.s.saunova asked her innocently.

"Yes, more than enough!" Justin said.

"Then let's leap out of here." The three centaurs meant that literally; they leaped across the cyclepath and again to the far side of the comic strip.

The terrain beyond was pleasant enough, especially as it was punfree. But scattered across it were a.s.sorted small objects that turned out to be machines. Some looked like stones, but they put down stony legs to move out of the way. Others looked like sticks, until they clicked open wooden eyes. Still others were more complicated, doing all manner of obscure tasks. A number were building a little house.

The centaurs drew up before that house. "Three greetings, Lyn!" Ca.s.saunova called.

A little machine cranked open the door and a young woman stepped out. "Why, h.e.l.lo, Ca.s.s," she said. "Are you still romancing all the girls?"

"Well-"

"No, he isn't," Ca.s.saundra said.

Both Ca.s.saunova and Justin paused for a moment. Was that an initiative?

"Then to what do I owe this rare visit?" Lyn inquired.

"We are merely crossing your region," Ca.s.saundra said. "We thought we should stop by, in case you have objection."

"Are you planning to do any damage?"

"No, of course not." Then the centaur filly reconsidered. "Unless you consider the abolition of some puns to be damage."

"By no means! Puns are overflowing the pun-kin patch and polluting the land. Something needs to be done before we all perish of groaning."

"This backward fellow is Unpun," Catarrh said. "We hope to help restore him to life and humor, so that he can resume the destruction of puns. That is his talent, in life."

"Oh, Unpun, I could kiss you!" Lyn said. Then she reconsidered. "After you are no longer a zombie, of course." She smiled, hinting that this was not completely serious.

"Of course," Unpun agreed sourly, finding no humor in the situation.

"We must be on our way," Ca.s.saunova said. "I trust you will wish us success."

"Oh, I do, I do!" Lyn agreed. "I hate it when puns gum up the works of my machines. I had a nice harvest reaper, until a pun made it a weeper and it cried until it rusted."

"A very sad event," Ca.s.saundra agreed, though a trace of a smile hovered near her mouth.

"Completely unfunny," Unpun agreed.

They resumed travel, and soon enough came to another comic strip. "Now we shall have to enter this and search for the pun-kin patch," Ca.s.saunova said. "The experience will not be pleasant, but must be endured."

"I have no intention of enduring it," Unpun said. "You enter the strip; I'll wait here."

"Of course," Ca.s.saunova said, nodding at Catarrh.

Then, together, the three centaurs jumped into the comic strip. Unpun's scream resounded throughout the welkin, shaking the very sky.

A figure loomed before them. It wore a robe covered with planetary symbols. "Ah, I see you are in the proper mood for your horror-scope," it said. "Your fate is bound to be horrible. Let me cast your fates-"

They walked on by, but there was another figure there. She looked very sweet. "My name's Candi. Have something for your sweet tooth." She held out a box of candy.

"That does look nice," Ida said.

"Don't touch it!" Ca.s.saundra said. "It will turn your teeth into candy. That's what a sweet tooth is, in the comic strip."

"Oh," Ida said, taken aback.

They went on by the sweet girl, and encountered an elder man. "Here are your berries," he said, showing an a.s.sortment of yellow, red, green, brown, black, and blue berries. "They will make you wise."

"They will also make you old," Ca.s.saunova said. "Those are elderberries."

"What an awful idea!" Justin exclaimed.

"Well, this is the world of the idea," Ida reminded him. "And the section of it to make them foolish."

"We still have to locate the pun-kin patch," Ca.s.saundra said. "These are mere distractions."

"I think we have no choice but to keep looking."

They looked. "There's something," Justin said. It appeared to be a giant flower.

They went toward it, but the closer they got, the smaller it became. By the time they reached it, it was tiny. "What happened?" Ida asked.

"Now I recognize it," Ca.s.saundra said, disgusted. "It's a shrinking violet."

Unpun groaned again.

Something came running toward them. It was a giant eyeball with long skinny legs. It stopped and gazed intently at them. "What is this?" Justin asked.

"I'm not sure," Ca.s.saunova said. "I haven't seen this particular pun before."

"It is the eye of the beholder," Unpun said. "I find no humor whatsoever."

"That is your irony," Ca.s.saundra said.

"You should not have said that," Ca.s.saunova said warily.

She put a hand to her mouth. "I forgot where I was! Maybe they didn't hear."

"They heard."

A group of small metal forms floated toward them. "We had better get out of here!" Ca.s.saundra said, alarmed.

The centaurs leaped-but turned back toward the center of the comic strip. "Too late," Ca.s.saunova said despairingly.

"Why didn't you leave?" Justin asked.

"We can't. Those are iron E's-they reverse whatever we try to do."

"Ironies!" Justin exclaimed. "Lovely."

"But won't they interfere with our mission?" Ida asked. "We can't accomplish it while being constantly reversed."

"Not so," Justin said. "They will enable us to readily accomplish it."

The others looked at him, evidently uncertain of his sanity. "You are aware of something we are not?" Ca.s.saunova inquired.

"Merely common sense. We must strive our utmost to avoid the punkin patch."

"To avoid it?" Ida asked.

"Yes. We must get far away from it immediately. Now run; flee it."

"As you wish," the centaur said dubiously.

They tried to run out of the comic strip-and there before them was a big pumpkin patch. Or rather, the pun-kin patch. They had found it.

"Irony!" Ida exclaimed. "The opposite of the stated intent! I forgot."

"Irony brought us here," Ca.s.saundra agreed, surprised. "We all missed it."

"Merely common sense, as I said," Justin said, a trifle smugly. "There is generally a way to accomplish one's goal, if one takes the correct approach."