Misalliance Part 17

PERCIVAL. I think it's S, z, c, z-- _[Lina gives him her visiting-card]._ Thank you. _[He throws it on Bentley's blotter]._

BENTLEY. Thanks awfully. _[He writes the name]._

TARLETON. _[to Percival]_ Now it's your turn.

PERCIVAL. _[dictating]_ I further confess that I was guilty of uttering an abominable calumny concerning Miss Hypatia Tarleton, for which there was not a shred of foundation.

_Impressive silence whilst Bentley writes._

BENTLEY. "foundation"?

PERCIVAL. I apologize most humbly to the lady and her family for my conduct-- _[he waits for Bentley to write]._

BENTLEY. "conduct"?

PERCIVAL. --and I promise Mr Tarleton not to repeat it, and to amend my life--

BENTLEY. "amend my life"?

PERCIVAL. --and to do what in me lies to prove worthy of his kindness in giving me another chance--

BENTLEY. "another chance"?

PERCIVAL. --and refraining from delivering me up to the punishment I so richly deserve.

BENTLEY. "richly deserve."

PERCIVAL. _[to Hypatia]_ Does that satisfy you, Miss Tarleton?

HYPATIA. Yes: that will teach him to tell lies next time.

BENTLEY. _[rising to make place for Gunner and handing him the pen]_ You mean it will teach him to tell the truth next time.

TARLETON. Ahem! Do you, Patsy?

PERCIVAL. Be good enough to sign. _[Gunner sits down helplessly and dips the pen in the ink]._ I hope what you are signing is no mere form of words to you, and that you not only say you are sorry, but that you are sorry.

_Lord Summerhays and Johnny come in through the pavilion door._

MRS TARLETON. Stop. Mr Percival: I think, on Hypatia's account, Lord Summerhays ought to be told about this.

_Lord Summerhays, wondering what the matter is, comes forward between Percival and Lina. Johnny stops beside Hypatia._

PERCIVAL. Certainly.

TARLETON. _[uneasily]_ Take my advice, and cut it short. Get rid of him.

MRS TARLETON. Hypatia ought to have her character cleared.

TARLETON. You let well alone, Chickabiddy. Most of our characters will bear a little careful dusting; but they wont bear scouring.

Patsy is jolly well out of it. What does it matter, anyhow?

PERCIVAL. Mr Tarleton: we have already said either too much or not enough. Lord Summerhays: will you be kind enough to witness the declaration this man has just signed?

GUNNER. I havnt yet. Am I to sign now?

PERCIVAL. Of course. _[Gunner, who is now incapable of doing anything on his own initiative, signs]._ Now stand up and read your declaration to this gentleman. _[Gunner makes a vague movement and looks stupidly round. Percival adds peremptorily]_ Now, please.

GUNNER _[rising apprehensively and reading in a hardly audible voice, like a very sick man]_ I, John Brown, of 4 Chesterfield Parade, Kentish Town, do hereby voluntarily confess that on the 31st May 1909 I trespa.s.sed on the land of John Tarleton at Hindhead, and effected an unlawful entry into his house, where I secreted myself in a portable Turkish bath, with a pistol, with which I threatened to take the life of the said John Tarleton, and was prevented from doing so only by the timely arrival of the celebrated Miss Lena Sh-Sh-sheepanossika. I further confess that I was guilty of uttering an abominable calumny concerning Miss Hypatia Tarleton, for which there was not a shred of foundation. I apologize most humbly to the lady and her family for my conduct; and I promise Mr Tarleton not to repeat it, and to amend my life, and to do what in me lies to prove worthy of his kindness in giving me another chance and refraining from delivering me up to the punishment I so richly deserve.

_A short and painful silence follows. Then Percival speaks._

PERCIVAL. Do you consider that sufficient, Lord Summerhays?

LORD SUMMERHAYS. Oh quite, quite.

PERCIVAL. _[to Hypatia]_ Lord Summerhays would probably like to hear you say that you are satisfied, Miss Tarleton.

HYPATIA. _[coming out of the swing, and advancing between Percival and Lord Summerhays]_ I must say that you have behaved like a perfect gentleman, Mr. Percival.

PERCIVAL. _[first bowing to Hypatia, and then turning with cold contempt to Gunner, who is standing helpless]_ We need not trouble you any further. _[Gunner turns vaguely towards the pavilion]._

JOHNNY _[with less refined offensiveness, pointing to the pavilion]_ Thats your way. The gardener will shew you the shortest way into the road. Go the shortest way.

GUNNER. _[oppressed and disconcerted, hardly knows how to get out of the room]_ Yes, sir. I-- _[He turns again, appealing to Tarleton]_ Maynt I have my mother's photographs back again? _[Mrs Tarleton p.r.i.c.ks up her ears]._

TARLETON. Eh? What? Oh, the photographs! Yes, yes, yes: take them. _[Gunner takes them from the table, and is creeping away, when Mrs Tarleton puts out her hand and stops him]._

MRS TARLETON. Whats this, John? What were you doing with his mother's photographs?

TARLETON. Nothing, nothing. Never mind, Chickabiddy: it's all right.

MRS TARLETON. _[s.n.a.t.c.hing the photographs from Gunner's irresolute fingers, and recognizing them at a glance]_ Lucy t.i.tmus! Oh John, John!

TARLETON. _[grimly, to Gunner]_ Young man: youre a fool; but youve just put the lid on this job in a masterly manner. I knew you would.

I told you all to let well alone. You wouldnt; and now you must take the consequences--or rather _I_ must take them.

MRS TARLETON. _[to Gunner]_ Are you Lucy's son?

GUNNER. Yes.

MRS TARLETON. And why didnt you come to me? I didnt turn my back on your mother when she came to me in her trouble. Didnt you know that?

GUNNER. No. She never talked to me about anything.

TARLETON. How could she talk to her own son? Shy, Summerhays, shy.

Parent and child. Shy. _[He sits down at the end of the writing table nearest the sideboard like a man resigned to anything that fate may have in store for him]._