Misalliance Part 16

MRS TARLETON. I do wonder at you, John, letting him talk like this before everybody. _[Turning rather tartly to Lina]_ Would you mind going away to the drawing-room just for a few minutes, Miss Chipenoska. This is a private family matter, if you dont mind.

LINA. I should have gone before, Mrs Tarleton, if there had been anyone to protect Mr Tarleton and the young gentleman.

TARLETON. Youre quite right, Miss Lina: you must stand by. I could have tackled him this morning; but since you put me through those exercises I'd rather die than even shake hands with a man, much less fight him.

GUNNER. It's all of a piece here. The men effeminate, the women uns.e.xed--

TARLETON. Dont begin again, old chap. Keep it for Trafalgar Square.

HYPATIA'S VOICE OUTSIDE. No, no. _[She breaks off in a stifled half laugh, half scream, and is seen darting across the garden with Percival in hot pursuit. Immediately afterwards she appears again, and runs into the pavilion. Finding it full of people, including a stranger, she stops; but Percival, flushed and reckless, rushes in and seizes her before he, too, realizes that they are not alone. He releases her in confusion]._

_Dead silence. They are all afraid to look at one another except Mrs Tarleton, who stares sternly at Hypatia. Hypatia is the first to recover her presence of mind._

HYPATIA. Excuse me rus.h.i.+ng in like this. Mr Percival has been chasing me down the hill.

GUNNER. Who chased him up it? Dont be ashamed. Be fearless. Be truthful.

TARLETON. Gunner: will you go to Paris for a fortnight? I'll pay your expenses.

HYPATIA. What do you mean?

GUNNER. There was a silent witness in the Turkish bath.

TARLETON. I found him hiding there. Whatever went on here, he saw and heard. Thats what he means.

PERCIVAL. _[sternly approaching Gunner, and speaking with deep but contained indignation]_ Am I to understand you as daring to put forward the monstrous and blackguardly lie that this lady behaved improperly in my presence?

GUNNER. _[turning white]_ You know what I saw and heard.

_Hypatia, with a gleam of triumph in her eyes, slips noiselessly into the swing chair, and watches Percival and Gunner, swinging slightly, but otherwise motionless._

PERCIVAL. I hope it is not necessary for me to a.s.sure you all that there is not one word of truth--not one grain of substance--in this rascally calumny, which no man with a spark of decent feeling would have uttered even if he had been ignorant enough to believe it. Miss Tarleton's conduct, since I have had the honor of knowing her, has been, I need hardly say, in every respect beyond reproach. _[To Gunner]_ As for you, sir, youll have the goodness to come out with me immediately. I have some business with you which cant be settled in Mrs Tarleton's presence or in her house.

GUNNER. _[painfully frightened]_ Why should I go out with you?

PERCIVAL. Because I intend that you shall.

GUNNER. I wont be bullied by you. _[Percival makes a threatening step towards him]._ Police! _[He tries to bolt; but Percival seizes him]._ Leave me go, will you? What right have you to lay hands on me?

TARLETON. Let him run for it, Mr Percival. Hes very poor company.

We shall be well rid of him. Let him go.

PERCIVAL. Not until he has taken back and made the fullest apology for the abominable lie he has told. He shall do that or he shall defend himself as best he can against the most thorough thras.h.i.+ng I'm capable of giving him. _[Releasing Gunner, but facing him ominously]_ Take your choice. Which is it to be?

GUNNER. Give me a fair chance. Go and stick at a desk from nine to six for a month, and let me have your grub and your sport and your lessons in boxing, and I'll fight you fast enough. You know I'm no good or you darent bully me like this.

PERCIVAL. You should have thought of that before you attacked a lady with a dastardly slander. I'm waiting for your decision. I'm rather in a hurry, please.

GUNNER. I never said anything against the lady.

MRS TARLETON. Oh, listen to that!

BENTLEY. What a liar!

HYPATIA. Oh!

TARLETON. Oh, come!

PERCIVAL. We'll have it in writing, if you dont mind. _[Pointing to the writing table]_ Sit down; and take that pen in your hand.

_[Gunner looks irresolutely a little way round; then obeys]._ Now write. "I," whatever your name is--

GUNNER _[after a vain attempt]_ I cant. My hand's shaking too much.

You see it's no use. I'm doing my best. I cant.

PERCIVAL. Mr Summerhays will write it: you can sign it.

BENTLEY. _[insolently to Gunner]_ Get up. _[Gunner obeys; and Bentley, shouldering him aside towards Percival, takes his place and prepares to write]._

PERCIVAL. Whats your name?

GUNNER. John Brown.

TARLETON. Oh come! Couldnt you make it Horace Smith? or Algernon Robinson?

GUNNER. _[agitatedly]_ But my name is John Brown. There are really John Browns. How can I help it if my name's a common one?

BENTLEY. Shew us a letter addressed to you.

GUNNER. How can I? I never get any letters: I'm only a clerk. I can shew you J. B. on my handkerchief. _[He takes out a not very clean one]._

BENTLEY. _[with disgust]_ Oh, put it up again. Let it go at John Brown.

PERCIVAL. Where do you live?

GUNNER. 4 Chesterfield Parade, Kentish Town, N.W.

PERCIVAL. _[dictating]_ I, John Brown, of 4 Chesterfield Parade, Kentish Town, do hereby voluntarily confess that on the 31st May 1909 I-- _[To Tarleton]_ What did he do exactly?

TARLETON. _[dictating]_ --I trespa.s.sed on the land of John Tarleton at Hindhead, and effected an unlawful entry into his house, where I secreted myself in a portable Turkish bath--

BENTLEY. Go slow, old man. Just a moment. "Turkish bath"--yes?

TARLETON. _[continuing]_ --with a pistol, with which I threatened to take the life of the said John Tarleton--

MRS TARLETON. Oh, John! You might have been killed.

TARLETON. --and was prevented from doing so only by the timely arrival of the celebrated Miss Lina Szczepanowska.

MRS TARLETON. Is she celebrated? _[Apologetically]_ I never dreamt--

BENTLEY. Look here: I'm awfully sorry; but I cant spell Szczepanowska.