Pet Peeve Part 21

"Bite?"

"Whatever," she agreed crossly.

"What are you doing here, Metria?" Hannah asked.

"Trying to brighten this goblin's dull life. Go back to your floor, primitive wench."

Hannah hesitated. "She probably means you no harm, Goody. If you'd like to be alone with her-"

"No!"

"Oh, come on," the demoness urged. "I'll light your dead fire."

Almost, he was tempted. When Hannah had been in goblin form he had reacted despite knowing better. With Metria, what was the point in knowing better? She was strictly a throwaway female. He did need to get over his reserve, if he was ever going to rejoin normal interpersonal society.

"Go ahead, gallant goblin," the parody's voice came, radiating perverse humor. "Really get into it. Dip your stick."

That decided him. "No. Let me sleep in peace, demoness."

"You don't know what you're missing."

"Yes, I do. Go." That gave him a twinge, for it was the first half of Go-Go's name. That was indeed what he was missing: her loving embrace.

"Some other time," she said, fading. How she managed that in complete darkness he wasn't sure, but she was gone.

"I think you could have called it either way," Hannah said.

She was right, and it had been close. He was already half regretting his decision.

Next morning they cut south to locate where they had met the dragons and made the first robot. The site was there, but not the equipment. There was just a bare patch of ground.

"They moved," Hannah said. "They probably found a better source of iron, and set up there."

"Probably," he agreed. He was disappointed, but not wholly surprised.

"I could track a robot, using my barbarian skill, but I can see there were a number of them, and I wouldn't know which one to follow. I think we've lost them."

"Loser!"

"Bolt your beak, buzzard."

"Same time as you stop flas.h.i.+ng men on the enchanted path, drop-skirt."

"Time to go to Castle Roogna," Goody said heavily. "Maybe they'll know what to do."

They wended their way back to the path, then on toward Castle Roogna, which wasn't far.

"Bogey at twelve o'clock!"

It turned out to be a girl standing in the path, looking to the side. No, it was a gnomide, a female gnome, standing about a third Hannah's height, or somewhat shorter than Goody. Gnomes tended to be surly and brusque with strangers, but gnomides were nicer.

"h.e.l.lo," Goody said. "I am Goody Goblin, traveling with Hannah Barbarian and this obnoxious bird. Is there a problem?"

"Yes, but you should go right on past, please."

"But maybe we can help."

"But you shouldn't try."

"The gnifty gnomide's telling you to gnet lost, gn.o.blin."

"It's the bird talking," Goody said hastily. "It insults everyone. Pay it no attention."

"Oh, it's starting already," she said, looking frustrated.

"I don't understand."

"I am Kiya Gnomide. My talent is to complicate situations, though I don't want to. It started when I was delivered; I was supposed to be named Gniya, but it got complicated. I hoped you would pa.s.s me by before you got complicated too. But I fear it is already too late."

"Maybe we should heed her advice," Hannah murmured. "We have already had complications enough."

"What can be so complicated about helping a damsel in distress?" Goody asked. "Did you lose something, Kiya?"

"Yes, my mark-hers. I dropped them, and they rolled off the path. But I am concerned that it's not safe to step off it. Not for me, with my talent. So I was trying to decide whether to risk it."

Goody looked. There were three pencil-like objects. "Markers?"

"Mark-hers. They mark only women's clothing. We use them so our men don't steal our clothes."

"We appreciate that," Goody said. "We recently encountered something similar."

"No problem," Hannah said. She squatted and reached off the path toward the mark-hers. But she lost her balance, and fell against Goody, who fell against Kiya. They all wound up in an embarra.s.sing tangle.

"Apology," Hannah said, quickly righting herself. She fetched in the mark-hers and handed them to Kiya as she and Goody got back to their feet.

"Thank you," the gnomide said. "Now you should go before another complication starts."

Then Goody saw that his bag of spells had gotten pulled open in the collision. He quickly drew it closed again, hoping that no spells had escaped.

Too late. Four bears appeared, surrounding him, growling off the others. Four tunes played simultaneously, distractingly. Two new eyes sprouted on his face, providing him four sights. "Bleep bleep bleep bloop!" he swore quadruply.

"Now you're sounding like a real man," the parody said approvingly. "Worthy of your fourbears, jangles. You look better, too."

"Get away from me !" Kiya cried. "To protect you from worse. Please."

Things had indeed become complicated. Hannah picked Goody up and carried him a distance from the gnomide. The bears ran alongside, growling, but tolerated this.

"I'm so sorry!" Kiya called. "But thank you for the mark-hers."

"You're welcome," Hannah called back. "We understand."

They went on, accompanied by the bears and tunes. "Bleep!" Goody swore. "Bleep bloop bleep! I hope some spells remain for when we need them."

Fourtunately the evoked spells did not last long. The bears, finding nothing to fight, faded out. The foursights, seeing nothing special, reverted to two eyes.

"I think the fourtunes brought you good luck to cancel out much of the rest," Hannah said. "The music must be a side effect."

"That's good," Goody agreed. "Kiya wasn't fooling about complications! That's an awful curse."

"Almost as bad as being a polite male gob," the peeve agreed.

Castle Roogna came into sight. "Whom do we want to see this time?" Hannah asked.

"I think not Princess Ida."

"Maybe the three little princesses will have a suggestion."

But when they approached the castle, no princesses appeared to greet them. Instead there was an older girl, about fourteen, dark of hair and eye, quite pretty. "h.e.l.lo, Goody Goblin and Hannah Barbarian," she said softly. "I am Princess Eve. May I help you?"

"Hi, babe!"

"The bird talks," Hannah said quickly.

Now Goody saw the golden crown, almost hidden by her flowing hair. "Another princess?" he asked, somewhat dully.

"There are five of us younger ones," Eve said. "You encountered Grey and Ivy's triplets before, Melody, Harmony, and Rhythm. Dawn and I are Dolph and Electra's twins, five years older. The others are away today, so that leaves me in charge of the castle, as it were."

"Oh. Uh, we have a problem. There may be danger to Xanth."

"Then you'll need to see Grandfather Dor. He's the king."

"Um, maybe we do. If kings see goblins, that is."

"Or barbarians," Hannah said.

"He'll see you," Eve said confidently. "I'll show you in."

"Just like that?" Goody asked, bemused.

"How else did you have in mind?"

"She sure corked your spout!"

"I like your bird."

"Oh yeah, darkie? You wouldn't if you knew me better."

"I'll never know you well enough. That's my sister's talent."

That stifled the parody for the moment. Hannah picked up the dialogue. "Your sister would be a sorceress?"

"Of course. All of Bink's descendants are magician-caliber talents. Dawn knows all about any living thing she touches. I know all about any inanimate thing. So I can't touch the bird and learn its secrets."

"Praise the Demon for small favors, blackhead!"

Goody noted with private bemus.e.m.e.nt that this was the first time he had heard the bird repeat an insult. It had called Breanna or her daughter blackhead. Of course Eve's hair was jet black, so it fit.

Eve turned her head and smiled down at the parody. Its knees went rubbery (it had knees?) and it almost fell off Goody's shoulder. Goody knew exactly how that was, as he was at the periphery, not the focus of her expression, yet her dark beauty made his own knees lose cohesion. She was still a girl, but already possessed some of the womanly attributes that would make her dangerous quite apart from her magic or status as a princess.

As they crossed the drawbridge at the moat, a huge green head lifted from the water. "This is Souffle Serpent, our resident moat monster," Eve said.

Goody nodded. That would be Sesame Serpent's boyfriend. If princesses could switch out, so could monsters.

"Whatsa matter greensnoot-you swallow a barrel of emetic?" Goody's voice called.

"It's the bird," the princess said.

The monster considered, then sank back under the water as they entered the castle.

They came to the audience chamber. Goody saw a raised platform, a dais, with two thrones, occupied by an elder man and woman. The king and queen of Xanth.

Suddenly Goody's knees felt worse than rubbery. "I-I-what do I-how do I-"

"Just bow your head briefly when I introduce you," Eve said. She was evidently used to this kind of reaction on the part of visitors. "We don't stand much on ceremony here."

"Look what's skulking in," a gravelly voice said. "A wretched goblin and a disreputable barbarian moll."

"Oh-and the furniture talks, near Grandfather," Eve said. "His talent is to talk to the inanimate, and it talks back. Close to him, it talks even when he doesn't. Grandma Irene's is to grow plants. That's the floor, just now. Just ignore it."

"Oh yeah, evening shade?" the floor said. "How would you like me to blab to the world the color of your-"

The princess stamped the floor warningly with one slippered foot, and the sentence wasn't finished. Goody found that interesting too; the floor was of course in an ideal position to see up under a girl's skirt, but could be stomped into submission.

"And get a load of that ugly bird," the wall said. "If I had a beak like that, I'd have it sawn off."

"Listen, wall-banger," the parody retorted. "If I had a paint job like that, I'd pray for a sandstorm."

"Quiet, both of you," Eve snapped, evincing sudden royal authority. Both were silent.

They came to stand before the dais, facing the king and queen, who were in their early sixties and looked quite stately. "Your Majesties King Dor and Queen Irene, this is Goody Goblin," Eve said formally.

Goody bowed his head, glad that she had told him what to do.

"And Hannah Barbarian." Hannah bowed her head.

"And their pet peeve."

"Go soak your royal snoots in boot rear!"