Pet Peeve Part 5

Rusty frowned, and the cur Mudgeon growled. "Listen, goblin-"

"It's the bird," Hannah repeated firmly.

"Don't you believe it, corrosion creature," the peeve said.

Hannah put her hand on her sword.

Rusty considered her, seeing her armor and weapon, and decided to let it be. He and the dog moved on.

"We've got to stifle that bird," Hannah said.

"You and who else, doxie?"

"Do you want your scrawny neck wrung, fowl face?"

"You wouldn't dare, beef b.u.t.t."

Hannah took a step toward the bird. The parody lurched off Goody's arm and flew up to land on a branch. "And where were you while this sickening s.l.u.t threatened me, milquetoast?" it demanded. This time its voice sounded like the abrasion of branches rubbing together.

"Remember, it's just a dumb animal," Goody reminded her.

She nodded. "I almost forgot. I'll tune it out again."

The peeve flew back to Goody's arm. "That's what you think, harness halter."

She made a twisting motion with her hands. "I said almost almost, barf bird."

The bird decided to let the issue be. For the moment.

They moved on. Soon they encountered another person. This was a thin, stiff woman, who moved in a rather jerky manner. Yet she was quite pretty. Her face was set in a cla.s.sic mode, and she had lovely hair.

"This bird speaks with my voice," Goody said quickly. "Ignore it."

"Hel-lo," the woman said jerkily. "I am Mary An-nette. I am a life-size pup-pet."

"String her up!" the parody said.

Mary's head rotated to orient on the bird. "I need no strings."

"So you say, blockhead."

"Ignore the bird," Hannah said. "Unless you'd like to adopt it. Then it would insult everyone but you."

"I can bring o-ther pup-pets to life," Mary said, "But I have no use for a nas-ty bird."

"Well, I have a use for you you," the parody said. "Your face looks like the bottom of a birdcage."

"I think what you need is a life-size boy puppet to bring to life," Hannah said.

Mary smiled, somewhat woodenly. "Yes, that is what I need. Thank you." She walked jerkily on.

"Good riddance, you jerky piece of as.h.!.+"

It was getting late, and Goody was tired for more than physical reason. "Why don't we find a place to camp for the night?"

"I'm ready," Hannah agreed.

They came to a glade with a pool in the shape of a mundane car. "A nice car pool," Hannah said. "That should do." She set about chopping branches with her sword, and soon fas.h.i.+oned a comfortable lean-to shelter beside the pool.

Meanwhile Goody checked around the area, and found a nice fresh pie tree. They would not have to eat their backpack supplies this night.

Hannah gathered dry moss and kindling, then struck sparks from a stone with her sword to set it on fire, and built it up nicely. They had hot pies for supper. Even the parody seemed satisfied as it perched on a root and pecked at a pepper pie, because it made no derogatory remarks.

"You're pretty handy with that sword," Goody said. "I mean, using it to make a fire, though you handled that tangle tree effectively too."

Hannah hesitated, looking pained. She had removed her helmet so that her hair fell down around her face, framing it rather attractively.

"Did I say something offensive?" Goody asked. "I didn't mean to."

"Your whole existence is offensive," the peeve said with its ground-root voice.

"It's not that," Hannah answered, ignoring the bird. "It's just that I never traveled with anyone before, especially not a goblin, especially not a male. I don't know how to handle a compliment."

"Don't worry about it, fatal femme. You'll never get another."

Goody smiled. "I learned how from my wife. No matter what it is, you smile and say thank you. Then you find something nice to say in return."

"What a load of fresh cow flops!"

"Oh-like a return strike when your opponent tries to cut off your head."

"Too bad he didn't succeed, you dizzy dame."

"Similar," Goody agreed. "I suppose the rules for positive exchanges do resemble those for negative ones. But it is important not to get them confused."

"That lets both of you out. You're always confused."

She smiled. "I'll try to keep them straight. Is it too late to respond to your compliment?"

"It is never too late for that."

"It's way too late!" the bird said petulantly.

She put on a smile. "Thank you."

"You're welcome."

"No you aren't, you foolish floozy."

They finished their meal as dusk came. "I got hog sweaty fighting that tangler," Hannah said. "I'd better dunk my hide." She stood and undid her metallic halter.

"Wow!" the peeve said. "A strip tease!"

"Wait!" Goody said. "You can't strip in front of a man."

She paused. "Why not? You're not much of a man."

"You said it, sister!"

Goody might have preferred more circ.u.mspect phrasing, but didn't care to make an issue of it. "It-it is not considered socially polite to disrobe in company. You're a fine looking woman, and-"

"You're an overstuffed squaw!"

She smiled carefully. "Thank you."

"I mean, normally women value their privacy."

"What do you have to be private about, hussy?"

"Oh, do they? They didn't cover that in barbarian school."

"So men won't get ideas."

"As if you could ever get an idea, goblin noggin."

"But you're in grief and have no ideas," she said. "I checked. That gray rose." She resumed undressing.

"Still, as a general social rule-"

"Take it off! Take it off, strumpet!"

"I'm not good at social rules. I just like to get the job done, whatever it is." Now her top was bare. It was spectacular. She started on the bottom.

"I've seen better cones by roadside construction."

"I should at least turn my back," Goody said uncomfortably.

"So I can scrub it? All right. Get it bare."

"Yes, bare your b.u.mbling bones, goblin gook."

He realized that she was right. There was no reason for squeamishness. She was unconscious of any awkwardness, and he should be too. They were after all of two different species. "I suppose we're like family," he said. "I need to wash too."

"For once you're making sense. You both stink like constipated pigs."

Hannah's hand shot out and caught the bird by the feet. "You're coming too, crow bait."

"I'll fly away, you feminist garbage," it threatened with her voice.

She took a long tress of her hair and knotted it about one of the peeve's legs. "I think knot," she said, smiling. She set the bird on her head.

"I'll p.o.o.p on your hair!"

"If you do, I'll dive wa-ay down deep to wash it off."

The parody looked thoughtful and kept its beak (or whatever) shut. The knot on its leg was quite tight.

They both stripped and waded into the water, which was pleasantly cool. Hannah had to go out twice as far as he, being twice as tall. "Yee-haa!" she cried, leaping up and coming down with a great splash. She was indeed barbarian.

"Watch it, harridan!" the peeve exclaimed. "You're wetting me."

"Oh, like this?" She scooped a handful of water and fired it at her own head. It smacked into the bird, thoroughly soaking it.

The peeve got the message. It ceased protesting. Goody rather admired the way she was handling it. Barbarians evidently had a knack with animals.

Then she waded halfway back, dripping from several rounded points, heading right for him. Goody hoped he had no reason to be alarmed. She dropped beside him and sat on the sand beneath so as to be his height. "I'll do your back now."

Oh. "Thank you." He turned away.

"You're blus.h.i.+ng, goblin twerp," the bird said from her head.

Goody hoped that was not the case. His skin was of course goblin dark, but it was possible for a goblin to blush, and his surface was making the effort.

Her hands were strong yet gentle as she stroked, then kneaded his back and shoulders. "Oh, that feels good!" he said.

"Well, it doesn't look look good! If you were any scrawnier it would take two men and a bird just to see you." good! If you were any scrawnier it would take two men and a bird just to see you."

"Barbarian ma.s.sage. It relaxes the muscles after a hard day's battle. You can do me next."

"Front or back?" the bird demanded.

He did her next, emulating her motions as his hands went over her tightly muscled back and shoulders. He felt the knots relaxing, and knew he was getting the job done. She was big and strong, but there were ways in which she reminded him of Go-Go. Probably it was just that she was female.

"You have the touch," she said. "Maybe it's your talent."

"Goblins don't have talents." But then he remembered what Magician Murphy had said. "But maybe I will develop one some day."

"There's love in your hands. I never felt that before."

"Why would you want want to, cutie pie?" the bird demanded with overwhelming sarcasm. to, cutie pie?" the bird demanded with overwhelming sarcasm.

Oh. "I was thinking of my wife. That always melts me."

"That's what I'm feeling, then."

"You got it backwards, babe. He's He's feeling up feeling up you you."

They finished and waded out of the water. They had no towels, but that was no problem for Hannah. She simply shook herself in place, doglike, making the water fling out in every direction.