The Complete Works of Josh Billings Part 38

They swallo the frog whole, and stik out with a frog in them like a yung purp who haz allowed a quart ov b.u.t.termilk tew find its way into him.

THE BLAK SNAIK.

The blak snaix iz the only one i kno ov who kan klimb a tree without boosting, and take the yung birds out ov their nests oph from the topmost limb.

They are az handy in a tree top az a yung munkey, but are not pizon tew bight.

They hav a festive way ov choking things tew death by making a cravat ov themselfs around the thruts ov their victims.

I hav herd ov wicked children being killed in this way, but never knu a boy who tended Sunday skool regular, and who want sa.s.sy tew hiz grandfather, and who didn't eat enny green apples, and hav the stummuk ake in consequents, to get choked bi a blak snaix.

Wicked little boys, who pla marbles on Sunday, and who say "_Go up, old bald hed_," and who put kittens into tar barrels will make a note ov this.

The blak snaix iz about 5 feet in length, and sumtimes haz a white ring around hiz nek.

There iz very little poetry in snaix ov enny kind, untill they git their heds smashed, and here iz just whare the poetry comes in.

There ain't much poetry in me, but if I waz called upon tew write an obituary notiss for the whole race ov snaix, who lay dead in one pile, i would take oph mi coat, rool up mi sleeves, and saliva mi hands, and rite sum verses that i wouldn't be ashamed ov enny how, for i should expekt the solemnity ov the ockashun would help me out ov the skrape.

THE MILK SNAIK.

The milk snaix hangs around pasture lots, and iz said tew fasten onto the udders ov the cows, and git hiz milk puntch in this underhand way.

I don't beleave this, but in writing the biography ov snaix no man iz obliged tew tell the whole truth about them enny how.

Fish and snaix are two things that authors are apt tew consider the fackts ov when they write onto them.

I never knu a man yet, not even of fust rate judgment, if he should ketch a fish that weighed 4 pounds but would guess he weighed 6, and if he should kill a snaix that was 5 feet, and three inches long, would want tew sware he waz 14 foot long, without taking the krooks out ov him.

This iz human natur, and human natur is heavy on a marvel.

The Bible sez, "_marvel not_," and altho i look upon all things in the Bible with the utmost venerashun, I hav wondered if Joner's ketching the whale just az he did, wasn't some kind ov authority for the fish storys ov the present daze.

If a man in theze times should ketch a whale az Joner did, he would write an ackount ov it, and travel around the kuntry and lektur onto it, and when he deskribed the size ov that whale, if a man wan't smart in figgures, he would git a poor idea of the animile's dimenshuns.

I never have saw a milk snaix yet, and if i phool mi _life_ away, and don't never see one, I don't intend tew mourn inkonsolably about it.

I hav alreddy seen all the snaix I want to, and wouldn't go a haff a mile from here to see all the snaix on the buzzum ov the earth unless thare waz a bonfire ov them.

Snaix ov all kinds hav got but one destiny tew fill, and Divine Providence haz fixt that; it is tew git their heds squeezed by a suitable sized pebble.

THE RACc.o.o.n, AND THE PETTYFOGGER.

The Racc.o.o.n iz a resident of the United States ov America; he emigrated tew this country, soon after its diskovery by Columbus, without a cent, and nothing but hiz claws tew git a living with.

He iz one ov them kind ov persons whoze hide iz worth more than all the rest ov him.

He resides among the heavy timber, and cultivates the cornfields and nabring garden sa.s.s for sustenance, and understands hiz bizzness.

Hiz family consists ov a wife and three children, who liv with him on the inside ov a tree.

He can alwus be found at home during the day, reddy tew receive calls, but his nights are devoted tew looking after hiz own affairs.

He dresses in soft fur, and hiz tail, which iz round, haz rings on it.

Theze rings are ov the same material that the tail iz, and are worn upon all occasions.

During the winter he ties himself up into a hard not and lays down by hiz fireside.

When spring opens, he opens, and goes out tew see how the chickens hav wintered.

Hiz life iz as free from labor az a new penny, and if it wasn't for the dogs and the rest ov mankind, the rackc.o.o.n would find what everyboddy else haz lost--a heaven upon earth.

But the dogs tree him and the men skin him, and what there iz left ov him ain't worth a cuss.

He iz not a natral vagabond like the hedgehog and the alligator, but luvs to be civilized and liv amung folks; but he haz one vice that the smartest missionary on earth kan't redeem, and that iz the art ov stealing.

He iz seckond only tew the crow in pett.i.t larceny, and will steal what he kant eat, nor hide.

He will tip over a barrell ov apple sa.s.s just for the fun ov mauling the sa.s.s with his feet, and will pull out the plug out ov the molla.s.sis, not be kause he luvs sugar enny better than he duz yung duck, but jist tew see if the molla.s.sis haz got a good daub tew it.

I hav studdied animal deviltry for 18 years, bekause the more deviltry in an animal, the more human he iz.

I can't find, by sarching the pa.s.senger list, that Noah had a c.o.o.n on board, but i am willing tew bet 10 pound ov mutton sa.s.sage, that mister c.o.o.n, and hiz wife were commuted, by stealing a ride.

I never knu a rackc.o.o.n tew want ennything long, that he could steal quick.

Ennyboddy who haz ever looked a c.o.o.n, right square in the face, will bet yu a dollar, that he iz a dead beat, or under five hundred dollar bonds, not tew go into the bizzness, for the next ninety days.

I hav had tame c.o.o.ns by the dozzen, they are az eazy tew tame az a child, if yu take them young enuff, but i kan't advise ennybody to cultivate c.o.o.ns, they want az mutch looking after, az a blind mule on a tow path, and thare aint enny more profit in them, than thar iz in a stock dividend, on the Erie Rail Road.

I never waz out ov a pet animal since I kan remember, till now, but i hav gone out ov the trade forever; lately, i diskovered, that it waz a good deal like making a whissell out ov a kats tale, ruining a comfortable tale, and reaping a kursid mean whissel.

Rackc.o.o.ns liv tew be 65 years old, if they miss the sosiety ov men, and dogs enuff, but thare aint but few ov them die ov old age; the north western fur company, are the grate undertakers of the c.o.o.n family.

I feel sorry for c.o.o.ns; for with a trifle more brains, they would make respectable pettifoggers before a justiss ov the peace; but even this would not save them from final perdishun.

Natur don't make any mistakes, after all; she hits the bull right in the eye every time: when she wants a rackc.o.o.n with rings on hiz tale, she makes him; and when she wants a pettyfogger, she knows how tew make him, without spileing a good c.o.o.n.

Pettyfoggers, no doubt, hav a destiny to fill, and they may enable a justiss ov the peace, in a cloudy day, tew know a good deal less ov the law than he otherwize would; still, for all this, if I war obliged tew pray for one or the other, I think now I should say, Giv us a leetle more c.o.o.n, and a good deal less pettyfogger.

If the Racc.o.o.n would only giv his whole attenshun tew politicks, thar ain't but few could beat him; he is at home on the stump, and menny on us, _old c.o.o.ns_, kan reckolekt how, in 1840, with nothing but a hard cider diet, he swept the country, from the north to the south pole, like a cargo ov epsom salts.