The Complete Works of Josh Billings Part 39

THE FEATHERED ONES.

DUK.

The duk is a foul. Thare aint no doubt about this--naturalists say so, and kommon sense teaches it.

[Ill.u.s.tration: THE FEATHERED ONES.]

They are bilt sumthing like a hen, and are an up-and-down, flat-footed job. They don't kackle like the hen, nor kro like the rooster, nor holler like the peakok, nor scream like the goose, nor turk like the turkey; but they quack like a root dokter, and their bill resembles a vetenary surgeon's.

They have a woven fut, and kan float on the water az natral az a sope bubble.

They are pretty mutch all feathers, and when the feathers are all removed, and their innards out, thare iz just about az mutch meat on them az thare iz on a krook-necked squash that haz gone tew seed.

Wild duks are very good shooting, and are very good to miss also, unless yu understand the bizness.

You should aim about three foot ahead ov them, and let them fly up tew the shot.

I hav shot at them all day, and got nothing but a tail-feather now and then; but this satisfied me, for i am crazy for all kind ov sport, yu know.

Thare are sum kind ov duks that are very hard tew kill, even if yu do hit them. I shot, one whole afternoon, three years ago, at sum dekoy duks, and never got one ov them. I hav never told ov this before, and hope no one will repeat it--this iz strikly confidenshall.

TURKEY.

Roast turkey iz good, but turkey with kranberry sa.s.s iz better.

The turkey iz a sedate person, and seldum forgits herself by gitting onto a frolik.

They are ov various colors, and lay from 12 to 18 eggs, and they generally lay them whare n.o.boddy iz looking for them but themselfs.

Turkeys travel about nine miles a day, during pleasant weather, in search ov their daily bred, and are smart on a gra.s.shopper, and red hot on a kriket.

Wet weather iz bad on a turkey--a good smart shower will drown a yung one, and make an old one look and akt az tho they had just been pulled out ov a swill barrel with a pair of tongs.

The maskuline turkey or gobler, as they are familiary called, hav seazons ov strutting which are immense.

I hav seen them blow themselfs up with sentiments of pride or anger, and travel around a red flannel petticoat hung onto a clothes line just az tho they waz mad at the petticoat for sumthing it had, did, or sed tew them.

The hen turkey alwus haz a lonesum look tew me az tho she had been abuzed bi sumboddy.

Turkeys kan endure az mutch kold weather az the vane on a church steeple, i hav known them tew roost all night on the top limb ov an oak tree, with the thermometer 20 degrees belo zero, and in the morning fly down and wade through the sno in a barn-yard to cool oph.

P. S.--If you kant hav kranberry with roast turkey, apple sa.s.s will do.

THE HOSSTRITCH.

The hosstritch iz a citizen ov the dessart, and lay an egg about the size ov a man's hed the next day after he haz been on a b.u.mming excursion.

They resemble in size, and figger about 15 shanghi roosters at once, and are chiefly important for the feathers which inhabit their tails.

The hosstritch are hunted on hossbak, and they kan trot a mile kluss to 3 minnitts.

They lay their eggs in the sand, and i think the heat ov the sand hatches them out.

They ain't bilt right for hatchin out eggs, enny more than a large-sized figger 4 iz.

I don't kno whether their eggs are good tew eat or not, but i guess not for i never have seen ham and hosstritch eggs advertised on enny ov our fas.h.i.+onable bills ov fare.

Biled hosstritch may be nouris.h.i.+ng and may be not; I think this would depend a good deal upon who waz called upon tew eat it.

I shan't never enquire for biled hosstritch az long az i remain in mi right mind.

If the hosstritch iz a blessing tew the dessert country I hope they will stay thare, for so long as we hav the turkey buzzard, and the Sandy Hill Crane, I feel az tho we could git along, and endure life.

I am writing this essa on the hosstritch a good deal by guess, for i hav never seen them in their natiff land, nor never mean to, for jist so long az i kan git 3 meals a day, and liv whare gra.s.s groze, and water runs, i don't mean tew hanker for hot sand.

THE PARROT.

The parrot iz a bird ov menny colours, and inklined tew talk.

They take holt ov things with their foot, and hang on like a pair ov pinchers.

They are the only bird i kno ov who kan konverse in the inglish language, but like meny other nu beginners, they kan learn tew swear the eazyest.

They are kept az pets, and like all other pets, are useless.

In a wild state ov nature, they may be ov sum use, but they looze about 90 per cent ov their value by civilizashun.

They resemble the border injun in this respekt.

When yu c.u.m tew take 90 per cent oph from most enny thing, except the striped snaik, it seems tew injure the proffits.

I owned a parrot once, for about a year, and then gave him away, i haven't seen the man I giv him to since, but i presume he looks upon me az a mean kuss.

If i owned all the parrotts thare iz in the United States, I would banish them immejiately tew their native land, with the provizo that they should stay thare.

I don't make theze remarks tew injure the feelings ov thoze who hav sot their pheelings on parrotts, or pets ov enny kind, for i kant help but think that a person who gives up their time and tallents tew pets, even a sore eyed lap dorg, displays grate n.o.bility ov karakter. (This last remark wants tew be took different from what it reads.)

THE BOBALINK.

The bobalink iz a blak bird with white spots on him.