The Complete Works of Josh Billings Part 40

They make their appearanse in the northern states about the 10th ov June, and commence bobalinking at once.

They inhabit the open land, and luv a meadow that iz a leetle damp.

The female bird don't sing, for the male makes noize enuff for the whole family.

They have but one song, but they understand that perfektly well.

When they sing their mouths git az phull ov musik az a man's duz ov bones who eats fried herring for brekfast.

Bobolinks are kept in cages, and three or four ov them in one room make just about as mutch noize az an infant cla.s.s repeating the multiplikashun table all at once.

THE EAGLE.

Thare iz a grate deal ov poetry in eagles; they kan look at the sun without winking; they kan split the clouds with their flas.h.i.+ng speed; they kan pierce the blu etherial away up ever so fur; they kan plunge into midnight's blak s.p.a.ce like a falling star; they kan set on a giddy krag four thousand miles hi, and looking down onto a green pasture kan tell whether a lamb iz phatt enough tew steal or not.

Jupiter, the Peterfunk, G.o.d ov the anshunts, had a grate taste for eagles, if we kan beleave what the poeks sing.

I hav seen the bald-headed eagle and shot them in all their native majesty, and look upon them with the same kind ov venerashun that i do upon all sheep stealers.

NATRAL HISTORY.

It is not the moste deliteful task, tew write the natral history ov the _Louse_, thare iz enny quant.i.ty of thorobred folks, who would konsidder it a kontaminashun, az black az pattent leather, to _say_ louse, or even _think_ louse, but a louse is a fackt, and aul fackts are never more at home, nor more unwilling to move, than when they git into the head. The _louse_ is one ov the gems ov antiquity. They are worn in the hair, and are more ornamental than useful.

Not having enny encyclopedia from which tew sponge mi informashun, and then pa.s.s it oph for mi own creashun, i shall be forced, while talking about the louse, "tew fight it out on the line" ov observashun, and when mi knowledge, and experience gives out, i shall tap mi imaginashun, ov which i hav a crude supply.

Book edukashun iz a phatting thing, it makes a man stick out with other folks opinyuns, and iz a good thing tu make the vulgar rool up the white ov their eyes, and wonder how enny man could ever kno so mutch wisdum.

Schooling, when I waz a colt, didn't lie around so loose az it duz now, and learning waz picked up oftner by running yure head aginst a stun wall, than by enny other kind ov mineralogy.

I have studied botany all day, in a flat meadow, pulling cowslops for greens, and then cla.s.sified them, by picking them over and gitting them reddy for the pot.

All the astronomy i ever got i larnt in spearing suckers bi moonlite, and mi geoligy culminated at the further end of a woodchucks hole, espes.h.i.+ly if i got the woodchuck.

Az for moral philosophy and rhetorick, if it iz the science ov hooking green apples and water-mellons 30 years ago, and being auful sorry for it now, i am up head in that cla.s.s.

But all this iz remote from the louse.

The louse iz a familiar animal, very sedentary in hiz habits, not apt tew git lost. They kan be cultivated without the aid ov a guide book, and with half a chance will multiply and thicken az much az pimples on the goose.

Thare iz no ground so fruitful for the full development ov this little domestick collateral, az a districkt school hous, and while the yung idea iz breaking its sh.e.l.l, and playing hide and go seek on the inside ov the dear urchins skull, the louse iz playing tag on the outside, and quite often gets on to the school mom.

I hav alwus had a hi venerashun for the louse, not bekause i consider them az enny evidence of genius, or even neatness, but becauze they remind me ov my boyhood innocence, the days away back in the alpahabet ov memory, when i sot on the flatt side ov a slab bench, and spelt out old Webster with one hand, and stirred the top ov my head with the other.

Philosophikally handled, the louse are gregarious, and were a complete suckcess at one time in Egypt, bible historians don't hesitate tew say, that they were aul the rage at that time, the whole crust ov the earth simmered and biled with them, like a pot ov steaming flax seed, they were a drug in the market.

But this waz more louse than waz necessary, or pleasant, and waz a punishment for sum sin, and ain't spoke ov, az a matter tew brag on.

The louse are all well enuff in their place, and for the sake ov variety, perhaps a few ov them are just az good az more would be.

They were desighned for sum wize purpose, and for that very reason, are respektabel.

When, (in the lapse of time,) it c.u.ms tew be revealed to us, that a single louse, chewing away on the summit ov Daniel Webster's head, when he waz a little schoolboy, waz the telegraphick tutch tew the wire that bust the fust idee in hiz brain, we shall see wisdom in the louse, and shant stick up our noze, untill we turn a back summersett, at these venerable soldjers, in the grand army ov progression.

After we hav reached years ov discretion, and have got our edukashun, and our karakters have got done developing, and we begin tew hold offiss, and are elekted justiss ov the peace, for instance, and don't seem tew need enny more louse tew stir us up, it iz time enuff then tew be sa.s.sy to them.

Az for me, thare iz only one piece (thus far) ov vital creation, that i aktually _hate_, and that iz a bed-bugg. I simply _dispize_ snaiks, _fear_ musketoze, _avoid_ fleas, don't _a.s.sociate_ with the c.o.c.kroach, _go around_ toads, _back out_ square for a hornet.

Nevertheless, moreover, to wit, i must say, even at this day of refinement, and bell letters, i do aktually luv to stand on tip-toe, and see a romping, red-cheeked, blew-eyed boy, chased up stairs and then down stair, and then out in the garden, and finally caught and throwed, and held firmly between hiz mother's kneeze, and see an old, warped, fine-toothed horn comb go and come, half buried through a flood ov lawless hair, and drag each trip to the light, a fat and lively louse--and, in conclusion, to hear him pop as mother pins him with her thum nail fast tew the center ov the comb, fills me chuck up to the brim with something, i don't know what the feeling iz; perhaps sumboddy out ov a job can tell me.

KATS.

A kat iz sed to hav 9 lives, but i beleaf they dont hav but one square deth.

It iz allmost unpossible to tell when a kat iz ded without the aid ov a koroners jury.

I hav only one way miself to judge ov a ded kat.

[Ill.u.s.tration: KATS.]

If a kat iz killed in the fall ov the year, and thrown over the stun wall into yure nabors lot, and lays thare all winter under a s...o...b..nk, and dont thaw out in the spring, and keeps quiet during the summer months, and aint missing when winter sets in agin, I have alwus sed, that, '_that kat_,' waz ded, or waz playing the thing dredful fine.

Speaking ov kats, mi opinyun iz, and will continue to be, that the old-fas.h.i.+oned kaliko-coulered kats iz the best breed for a man ov moderate means, who haint got but little munny to put into kats.

They propugate the most intensely, and lay around the stove more regular than the Maltese, or the brindle kind.

The yeller kat iz a fair kat, but they ain't reliable; they are apt tew stay out late nights, and once in a while git on a bad bust.

Blak kats hav a way ov gitting on the top ov the wood-house when other folks hav gone tew bed, and singing dewets till their voices spile, and their tails swell till it seems az tho they must split.

THE HUM BUGG.

The most vain and impudent bug known to naturalists (or enny other private individual) iz the hum bugg.

They have no very partickular parents nor birth place, are born a good deal az tud stools are, wherever they kan find a good soft spot.

It haz been sed by commontaters that Satan himself iz the father ov hum buggs--if this iz a fakt he haz got more children than he kan watch, and sum very fast yung ones amungst them.