The Complete Works of Josh Billings Part 41

The hum buggs don't generally live a grate while at once, but have the fackulty ov dieing in one place, and being suddenly born in another.

They are ov awl genders, including the maskuline, feminine and nutral, and kan liv and grow phatt whare an honest bugg would starve to death begging.

The hum bugg will eat enny thing that they kan bite, and rather than loose a good meal will swaller a thing whole.

Every one sez they dispize the hum bugg and yet every boddy iz anxious tew make their acquaintance.

They hav the ontra to all cirkles ov sosiety without knocking from the highest tew the lowest, and tho often kicked out, are welc.u.med again and flattered more than ever.

The hum bugg haz more friends than he knows what to do with, but he manages tew giv general satisfakshun by cheating the whole of them.

The Bible sez "the gra.s.shopper iz a burden"--and i believe it--but i think the hum bugg iz the heavyest bug ov the two.

But the world kant well spare the hum bugg; take them all out ov the world, and it would bother even an honest man tew git a living, for thare doesn't seem, jist now, to be honesty enuff on hand to do our immense dry good bizzness with.

Honesty iz undoubtedly the best policy for a long run, but for a short race, hum bugg haz made sum excellent time.

I hav been bit bad bi this bugg miself several times, but not twice in the same spot--i follow the Skriptures when i am whare the hum bugg is plenty, if one bites me on one cheek, i turn him the other cheek also, but i don't let him bite the other cheek also.

Thare ain't enny boddy, i suppose, who acktually pines tew be bit by this selebrated bugg, they only luv tew see how near they can c.u.m tew it without missing.

Human natur iz chuck full ov curiosity, curiosity iz jist what hum bugg makes menny a warm meal oph ov.

Sum ov theze bugg are not so sharp bitten and pizen az others, but this iz not so mutch owing tew their disposishun az it iz tew their natur; they all ov them bite the full length ov their teeth.

If thare iz enny boddy who hain't never been bit bi a hum bugg yet, he must be sumboddy who has always staid at home with his uncle, and, lived on bread and milk, or was born numb all the way through, and couldn't feel any kind ov a bite.

If i should hear a man brag that one ov these bugs _couldn't_ bite him, I should set him down at once for a man who wan't a good judge ov the truth. The bite of a hum bugg iz wuss than a hornet's, and always different from a dog's, for the dog growls, and then bites, but the hum bugg bites, and lets you do the growling.

THE BUGG BEAR.

Natral History has its myths and its ghosts, az well az enny boddy else, and foremost among these iz--the bugg bear.

The bugg bear iz born from an imaginary egg, and iz hatched by an imaginary process.

They are like a shadow in the afternoon, always a good deal bigger than the thing that casts it.

They are compozed ov two entirely different animals, the _bugg_ and the _bear_, but generally turn out to be pretty much all bug.

They are like the a.s.setts on a bankrupt broker, the more you examine them, the smaller they grow.

I have known them tew c.u.m out ov a hole like a mice, and grow in tew minnits az big az an elephant, and then run back agin into the same hole they c.u.m out ov.

They are like a young wild pigeon in their habits, the biggest when they are first born.

They are common to all countrys and all peoples, the philosophers hav seen them az often az the children hav, and ben as badly skared by them.

They are az innocent az a rag doll, but are az full ov deviltry az a jack lantern.

Bugg bears are az plenty in this world az pins on the side walks, but n.o.boddy ever sees them but those folks who are alwus hunting for them.

THE GAME CHICKEN.

Lo, and behold the game rooster!

He weighs about 3 pounds and a quarter, more or less, and iz reddy tew fite for a kingdom. He stands up on hiz feet like a piece ov ginger-root, with each feacher fastened in its place.

[Ill.u.s.tration: THE GAME CHICKEN.]

Hiz eye gleams in its socket like a soltaire on the queen's finger.

Hiz head iz like the snaiks head, and his beak s.h.i.+nes like the point ov a dagger.

When he steps, he steps like a bunch ov kat gurt, and hiz crow iz like the yung injuns fust whoop on the warpath. Hiz plumage gives back the sun s.h.i.+ne like the ruby and amethist, and hiz legs are all golden.

Hiz gaffs are ov burnt steel, and hiz tail and wing feathers are clipped for the battle.

Bring on the other rooster.

THE DUK.

The Duk iz a kind ov short legged hen.

When cooked they are very good means ov nourishment, in fakt, it will do to call roste duk and apple sa.s.s eazy tew contend with.

The duk haz a big foot for the size ov their boddy, but their foot iz not the right kind ov a foot for digging in the garden.

Their foot iz like a small spider's web, only more substanshul bilt.

They are amphipicuss, and kan sale on the water az natral and eazy az a grease spot.

They kan div in the water az handy az a hull frog, and never git water soaked.

Water won't stay quiet on a duk's back no longer than quicksilver will whare it iz down hill.

Duks hav a broad bill which enables them tew eat their food without enny spoon.